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Drstrangelove I have not read through the majority of your threads, but I am no stranger to have been in limbo ( I stayed 5 years too long after False R then separated now divorcing) and it was torturous. Are you giving yourself a deadline for how long you are willing to tolerate your situation? My situation took a heavy toll on my mental health due to my fear of "breaking up the family." I do hope that you have a good IC that you lean on as well as the support of friends and family. Limbo is something I will never entertain again after having lived through it and paid the price.

Ultimately, I told her that she needs to stop demonstrating that she doesn't love me. We talked about it at length then and again last night (I was gone all day Friday and Saturday with friends). I need her to lead with love in *every* interaction she has with me, even when the love is unreciprocated by me.

Yes. Exactly. She needs to become a stabilizing force. This gets confused when you try and change or do things to help her feel better because it gives her a sense of being validated. Validating her is too dangerous right now because there haven’t been any changes first.

Also i want to be clear because I feel I led some of the "she didn’t love you, she isn’t capable of it" revolution.

Honestly, I am just no longer a person who believes in soul mates or that love is fond feelings. In a long term relationship, it’s choosing this person every day. Choosing to make them a priority as part of yourself. Fond and soft feelings should flow from that. In an unhealthy relationship, all the fond feelings come from what they do for you, and that is a big problem that your wife has.

Also even in a marriage without infidelity, there will always be periods that one person is putting forth more effort than the other. (Earlier this year my husband lost his mom for example) Our effort is where we feel love. It’s nice to receive, but it means nothing without our own efforts.

It becomes so imbalanced for someone who doesn’t love themselves that we do not see the other persons value. Their value becomes what they do for you to feel loved and without putting effort into appreciation of that they just take it for granted until you are invisible no matter how wonderful their spouse is.

That void or black hole of needs comes from people are only capable of giving what she give themselves. They give themselves criticism, they give it to you. They give themselves live and respect the fountain is flowing something different..

And honestly I don’t t think it’s unusual the bs may not love the ws during some of it. If we are talking feelings. But love is more than feelings. You are showing your love all the time, she can’t see that unless it’s something that would be in her radar as love.

I think your wife loves you in the capacity she has. In many ways this is a shock to her system because she is suddenly putting a lot of effort into the relationship and she feels that nothing is enough. She isn’t taking accountability that what she did is making it not enough. Has she read how to help your spouse heal from an affair?

Right now a lot of what is in her was she needs to work on her shame and get some self compassion because she won’t have the ability to give you compassion until she resolves some of that. You are living proof to her that she is a shitty person, that is where she is. It’s not logical and she likely can’t see that.

It’s a paradox, we can’t give anything to someone else we can’t give to ourselves. You are personalizing it because as Neko is pointing out this is triggering your own feelings of unworthiness. Your work has to become whole and worthy regardless of what she is doing. And that is her work as well. From that two whole people will not be codependent to get their feelings from the other.

You both orbit each other’s weather. If you are upset it sends her into a tailspin, if she is acting out, she is exacerbating the trauma she inflicted. Then she recedes into shame and you are left feeling desolate. It’s circular and actually predictable. The action item here is you have to focus entirely on the ways you contribute to that cycle. They aren’t mysterious, we point them out all the time, what is hard is figuring out your own conditioning, why you do it, and making healthier replacement behaviors. Your healing is as hard as what she has in front of her. And it’s what you have control over. It’s where you will find your empowerment and also your security.

I am glad you are making the hard line that abuse is not accepted. She needs to figure out what is causing her to want to punish you in that way. And work I. Her side of the circular motion. Telling her she must come from a living place even when you aren’t loving is exactly what she needs to do.

I don’t think I have been an emotionally abusive wife, until I cheated. That was abusive and my failure to get it quickly added to the abuse. But it’s never been a thing where I punish my him or put him down. It seems this has been a pattern your entire marriage, which is something that is above my level of experience.

Still, I know your work is to resolve in yourself what allowed that to be okay for you? And how you can change those aspects of yourself.

This is maybe your first statement that I am seeing a true boundary, you need to stick to this, and then find the finer ones.

I don’t know if she can do this or not but where you are at in making a hardline, you have to do that. If you lower this as a boundary you are only showing her she can keep doing it. You must work to have your own independent weather systems so to speak.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:45 PM, Monday, August 22nd]

I dont buy the don't love you part.

I think people love different. I believe WS actually love thier BS as best as they know how.

I also believe its ultimately easier for the WS to say I didn't love you because it makes what they did somehow less than. And once they fall back in love or now that they once again love you that will protect the marriage, I mean after all they only cheated because they didn't love you, right? Now they do, so all good. Nope, don't buy it.

Look at it this way, even if it were true there was still a commitment and responsibility. What allowed them to forgo those?.

[This message edited by Dkt3 at 9:23 PM, Monday, August 22nd]

I was thinking something along the same lines as Sisoon. At some point, perhaps because you believe you're not loved or not worthy of love, your needs stopped mattering as much as your partner's which is why you have a long history of accepting the unacceptable from your WW and taking it on as your own responsibility to do better as a way to stop or limit the emotional abuse. I suspect some of that is still at play if you think your WW has zero accountability in your sensitive and vulnerable state. Everyone is sensitive and vulnerable after infidelity. I'd argue the same is true after prolonged emotional abuse too. She does have the right to turn down oral but you also have the right to feel hurt about it at this stage. Doesn't mean she needs to do something she doesn't want to but she doesn't get to deny you those feelings or be angry at you for having them right now. Understanding that you have a right to your own feelings which may result in you being upset, moody, etc. because of her prior actions seems to be a disconnect with her.

I think that's all fair, but I'll admit, when I read posts framing things this way I do feel a bit guilty. It paints our marriage as though I was an abused spouse, perfect in every way, while she was this horrendous woman. She was clearly abusive in our sex life and that was clearly due to issues she brought into our marriage from her childhood. That's all on her.

Regarding the oral hypothetical, I used it because it's purely something that she is defensible in doing that *could* hurt me depending on my frame of mind. In the example, she wasn't being abusive and I was hurt. I'm ok with those situations and I need to develop the tools to navigate them. I'm not ok with malice.

What has her reaction been to being told she is abusive by the MC? Anything besides nervous and fearful about how this might impact her? I'll be honest, I'm not at all impressed by her thinking it's just about how she talks to you in the bedroom.

I didn't take her reaction to the MC as nervousness; I took it as a lot of hurt. I was traveling, so she had a lot of time alone to contemplate it and it clearly settled in and affected her. She was probably a bit frightened at the idea that the MC didn't think she could control her abusive behavior--she creates illusions of control in her life and that cut through the façade. She has work to do and she knows it.

And I wasn't impressed by her thinking it was purely about the bedroom either. She's not doing the digging to explore this stuff as well as I'd like--but she's never been a deep thinker and she's going at a fairly predictable pace.

I feel like my thoughts have evolved greatly over the last five months, so I don't regret riding out this limbo thus far. Things are ok again--I feel like we're almost back to where we were before the incident a couple of weeks ago. There's been no conflict challenging her though--the dynamic of me vs. her parents was a big one and the MC seized on that. The MC told my WW she's afraid of her father (disappointing him) and she thought the resulting events were foreseeable. The MC scolded my WW for not prioritizing the marriage. We'll have to see what happens during the next conflict and see how my WW goes to resolve it.

Can you explain how you felt loved by your wife,before the affair?

What did she specifically do,to make you feel like she LOVED you?

I'm not trying to be argumentative. I'm just genuinely interested, and a bit confused.

She has said she didn't love you,for quite awhile,before the affair started. Yet,you believed she loved you.

That tells me she is very good at going through me motions. Very good at putting on an act.

I'd say she did more to *show* her love for me than I did for her. She'd buy me things, write me little love notes, reach out to check on me if there was any kind of ongoing issue. As I've said all along, I've always found her to be very compassionate and sympathetic. She was family-first and prioritized me and the kids in her life. And there's no doubt she took on the bulk of the burden with the house and kids.

Post-DDay, the compassion for me was blocked by all the overwhelming shame and guilt and she couldn't be there for me the way she should have--because she is always the victim and the affair revealed her as the perpetrator. It's a dynamic that she's been slow to accept.

Edited to add: You were correct. I reread that post of mine,and I was obnoxious. Terribly so. I sincerely apologize.

Thank you; and as I noted, no hard feelings at all.

Dr. Most of the people here are smart enough to know we are only getting your perspective and that if your wife was posting hers would be different and paint you in at least a slightly different light.

I suspect that you are a bit more controlling then you come off in your posts. I dont for one second believe your wife dominated you. I believe you let things slide, but clearly you've kept score. I too was guilty of that.

Drstrangelove I have not read through the majority of your threads, but I am no stranger to have been in limbo ( I stayed 5 years too long after False R then separated now divorcing) and it was torturous. Are you giving yourself a deadline for how long you are willing to tolerate your situation? My situation took a heavy toll on my mental health due to my fear of "breaking up the family." I do hope that you have a good IC that you lean on as well as the support of friends and family. Limbo is something I will never entertain again after having lived through it and paid the price.

I had a deadline of six months, which would be Sept. 15, but honestly, she burned through that in five months. As far as I'm concerned, the deadline is over. I'm content with the idea that our relationship is likely over should she be malicious to me again.

I'm very sorry you went through a false R--that is not something I'm willing to do. I need her to find her way back to love for me for this relationship to work long-term. And for her to do that, she'll need to sort through her issues and love herself first.

And the "breaking up the family" aspect is the biggest part of this for me and I've written about it a lot. I have always judged those in my shoes--people who divorce and justify it because the home was too toxic. I think in many cases the home is toxic because the individual not willing to make it work (certainly not always). One has to leave one's pride at the door and focus entirely on the kids--and that's something I'm willing to do for now as long as the emotional abuse ends.

I'm not opposed to the idea of living a *pleasant* life for another 13 years and then separating if my WW doesn't find her way back to loving me. I know that sounds like a large sentence, but I bought into 18 years with each kid--that was my choice and I don't get to change my mind lightly. And it's easy to have that position pre-DDay, but it didn't mean much then because it wasn't tested (it's like saying you'd take a bullet for someone). For me to have the integrity to carry through with my convictions post-DDay would mean a lot to me.

I also understand it's a sensitive topic on these boards for obvious reasons--I'm not looking to debate it; it's just a strong feeling for me.

Yes. Exactly. She needs to become a stabilizing force. This gets confused when you try and change or do things to help her feel better because it gives her a sense of being validated. Validating her is too dangerous right now because there haven’t been any changes first.

What does it mean to validate her? She's going through a very rough patch at work right now and I'm supporting her; I still tell her when she looks nice; etc.

Also i want to be clear because I feel I led some of the "she didn’t love you, she isn’t capable of it" revolution.

Honestly, I am just no longer a person who believes in soul mates or that love is fond feelings. In a long term relationship, it’s choosing this person every day. Choosing to make them a priority as part of yourself. Fond and soft feelings should flow from that. In an unhealthy relationship, all the fond feelings come from what they do for you, and that is a big problem that your wife has.

Also even in a marriage without infidelity, there will always be periods that one person is putting forth more effort than the other. (Earlier this year my husband lost his mom for example) Our effort is where we feel love. It’s nice to receive, but it means nothing without our own efforts.

It becomes so imbalanced for someone who doesn’t love themselves that we do not see the other persons value. Their value becomes what they do for you to feel loved and without putting effort into appreciation of that they just take it for granted until you are invisible no matter how wonderful their spouse is.

That void or black hole of needs comes from people are only capable of giving what she give themselves. They give themselves criticism, they give it to you. They give themselves live and respect the fountain is flowing something different..

And honestly I don’t t think it’s unusual the bs may not love the ws during some of it. If we are talking feelings. But love is more than feelings. You are showing your love all the time, she can’t see that unless it’s something that would be in her radar as love.

I think your wife loves you in the capacity she has. In many ways this is a shock to her system because she is suddenly putting a lot of effort into the relationship and she feels that nothing is enough. She isn’t taking accountability that what she did is making it not enough.

I think that's all fair. Her capacity for love is not something I have clarity on. And I don't believe in soul mates either, but I always assumed those who do are children.

Has she read how to help your spouse heal from an affair?

We read it together the first week after DDay.

Right now a lot of what is in her was she needs to work on her shame and get some self compassion because she won’t have the ability to give you compassion until she resolves some of that. You are living proof to her that she is a shitty person, that is where she is. It’s not logical and she likely can’t see that.

Agreed entirely.

It’s a paradox, we can’t give anything to someone else we can’t give to ourselves. You are personalizing it because as Neko is pointing out this is triggering your own feelings of unworthiness. Your work has to become whole and worthy regardless of what she is doing. And that is her work as well. From that two whole people will not be codependent to get their feelings from the other.

You both orbit each other’s weather. If you are upset it sends her into a tailspin, if she is acting out, she is exacerbating the trauma she inflicted. Then she recedes into shame and you are left feeling desolate. It’s circular and actually predictable. The action item here is you have to focus entirely on the ways you contribute to that cycle. They aren’t mysterious, we point them out all the time, what is hard is figuring out your own conditioning, why you do it, and making healthier replacement behaviors. Your healing is as hard as what she has in front of her. And it’s what you have control over. It’s where you will find your empowerment and also your security.

I am glad you are making the hard line that abuse is not accepted. She needs to figure out what is causing her to want to punish you in that way. And work I. Her side of the circular motion. Telling her she must come from a living place even when you aren’t loving is exactly what she needs to do.

I don’t think I have been an emotionally abusive wife, until I cheated. That was abusive and my failure to get it quickly added to the abuse. But it’s never been a thing where I punish my him or put him down. It seems this has been a pattern your entire marriage, which is something that is above my level of experience.

Still, I know your work is to resolve in yourself what allowed that to be okay for you? And how you can change those aspects of yourself.

This is maybe your first statement that I am seeing a true boundary, you need to stick to this, and then find the finer ones.

I don’t know if she can do this or not but where you are at in making a hardline, you have to do that. If you lower this as a boundary you are only showing her she can keep doing it. You must work to have your own independent weather systems so to speak.

I don't think she *puts me down*. She gets angry with me and doesn't know what to do with it. But her anger isn't really for me; it's anger with herself over a variety of things that she channels toward me. She spent her entire life avoiding conflict, so she just lets that fester inside her. Taking it out on me in passive aggressive ways in the bedroom was her way of letting it out. Now she can't do that, but she also hasn't developed the tools to face her conflict head on.

I'm also a *very* difficult person to have conflict with (as you may or may not know). I enjoy conflict; embrace it even. It's something I'm constantly working on.

I dont buy the don't love you part.

I think people love different. I believe WS actually love thier BS as best as they know how.

I also believe its ultimately easier for the WS to say I didn't love you because it makes what they did somehow less than. And once they fall back in love or now that they once again love you that will protect the marriage, I mean after all they only cheated because they didn't love you, right? Now they do, so all good. Nope, don't buy it.

Look at it this way, even if it were true there was still a commitment and responsibility. What allowed them to forgo those?

A WS has no sense of commitment and responsibly because a WS has no integrity.

I have no idea if she loved me or when she stopped really, but I know she didn’t love me during the affair and that hurts—her admitting to it hurts more, even though it doesn’t make sense that it would.

Dr. Most of the people here are smart enough to know we are only getting your perspective and that if your wife was posting hers would be different and paint you in at least a slightly different light.

I suspect that you are a bit more controlling then you come off in your posts. I dont for one second believe your wife dominated you. I believe you let things slide, but clearly you've kept score. I too was guilty of that.

I don’t think I’m controlling. My WW certainly didn’t dominate me—I’m the dominant one in the relationship by a very wide margin.

I certainly let her emotional abuse slide, but I wasn’t keeping score, at least not consciously.

I’ve always just had other passions in my life. I love lifting, movies, NFL, video games (in waves). I never dwelled on any transgression from my wife—I let it just roll off—but looking back, I realize I had my head in the sand.

You are getting there in my opinion.

Now let's push a bit. Would you say your wife took advantage of your "let it roll off your back" attitude?

I'm confident your answer is yes.

So now the question is, why do you not believe she is using your love for her now to manipulate you?

I'm not saying she isn't trying, what I'm saying is she is taking advantage because its easier and its what she has done in the past. WS take advantage, that's what they do, that's how they get over because the BS allows it.

Secondly, I say controlling because that is what I'm seeing from you now. You're trying to control the narrative. Your trying to control the perspective and speaking an awful lot of absolutes. These are all traits of people who are controlling. I dont mean you try to control your wife in terms of being abusively controlling more of controlling what you allow yourself to see and believe, thus controlling the image and using that to convince yourself that your wife is something she isn't and likely never was.

I hope you get what I'm saying, sometimes I don't express my thoughts well through my writing.

[This message edited by Dkt3 at 11:06 PM, Monday, August 22nd]

So I thought I'd give a bit of an update.

If you recall, awhile back there was an issue where my WW wanted to do a couples dinner with her acquaintance from the PTA (the one she shared a committee with her and AP) and it blew up as I was uncomfortable with her going.

After that blew over, I told my WW I was ok with her continuing the friendship, but not ok with any couples dinners. Nothing happened with it until last week when my WW invited her to attend a hip hop dance class with her and other friend. They all had a great time and it was a bridge for their relationship to continue. I was good with it--as I've mentioned, I think the girl is a good person and probably a good influence on my WW.

On my WW's way home from work today, the friend called her. She told her while she was at the town pool over the weekend, she was part of a conversation with a few women discussing the affair. I always assumed the friend knew about it, but apparently she did not. Her call was to inform my WW, as a friend, that OBS was still talking about it with people in town.

My WW relayed the conversation to me--my reaction was the same as always with my wife: she didn't sound contrite, but that's her issue to deal with so I won't waste the words breaking down her missteps there.

But I will note is that I am a bit frustrated as I feel like I could have mitigated this by remaining friends with the OBS, who I haven't communicated with in more than two months. I let myself get bullied by my WW and the MC, who both wanted me to cut off the relationship--many of you in this thread wanted that as well. The reasoning was that because OBS wanted to have sex with me, it was unfair to continue the relationship.

I thought that was a stupid reason then and still do now, but I did it largely because I felt confident there was no contact between my WW and AP, so it wasn't a hill worth dying on. However, OBS wanting to have sex with me has zero influence on us having sex. And by cutting her out of my life, her anger for my WW likely only grew as her compassion for me dissipated. I regret not sticking with my gut on this one as it was backed by logic and opposed by frivolous and unfounded emotional strife; it's a lesson learned.

Would you say your wife took advantage of your "let it roll off your back" attitude?

I'm confident your answer is yes.

No, I disagree. If anything, I suspect it frustrated my WW. Her emotional abuse was a cry for attention and her way to address conflict. The conflict never was addressed though because she never exposed why she was actually angry, she just traded pain and hurt with me.

It was my fault for not making her abuse a clear boundary and allowing it to continue.

So now the question is, why do you not believe she is using your love for her now to manipulate you?

I'm not sure what you're referring to--did I write that? I'd have to go back and read my posts. I don't know that I believe that though. It's certainly possible.

Secondly, I say controlling because that is what I'm seeing from you now. You're trying to control the narrative. Your trying to control the perspective and speaking an awful lot of absolutes. These are all traits of people who are controlling. I dont mean you try to control your wife in terms of being abusively controlling more of controlling what you allow yourself to see and believe, thus controlling the image and using that to convince yourself that your wife is something she isn't and likely never was.

I often communicate in absolutes because I like achieving clarity. I like labels and clearly defined terms. I hate murk because it's what many use to obfuscate conflict resolution.

So in the example you're referring to (I assume), the label I used was that my WW definitively "did not love me." We can argue about it *only* if we disagree on the definition of love--and I find those arguments to be wastes of time (two people arguing on a topic when there are no shared definitions among key words). Once you commit to a definition of love that I agree with, it will be self-evident that it's impossible to cheat on someone you love.

I don't think I'm controlling a narrative; I'm seeking a shared narrative. I suppose, depending on who the conflict is with, I can bully my way to that shared narrative, but that's on the other person. If you think my assumption about my WW's love for me is wrong, it's on you to present a clear case for why that is.

And I think you're point is fair:

I believe WS actually love their BS as best as they know how.

But ultimately I'm not sure that point matters much or changes anything. It's the equivalent of a baseball coach telling a kid he needs to hit a homerun to make the team and the kid failing and replying: "Well, I hit the ball as hard as I could!" There's a baseline for love and a WS fails to clear the bar.

[This message edited by Drstrangelove at 12:21 AM, Tuesday, August 23rd]

What is your wife's reaction,to knowing people are talking about her in a very unfavorable manner?

I understand how you feel. But,when women are talking about an affair between a married woman,and a married man,typically they feel bad for the betrayed husband, and disgust for the other woman. I say this, because I know how you feel about your wife badmouthing you. I've heard a few of these kinds of conversations. I can almost promise you they were being a lot kinder to you,than your wife was,when she was talking about you.

What is your wife's reaction,to knowing people are talking about her in a very unfavorable manner?

I think at first, she felt awful--she knew this stuff was coming, but she's gotten off relatively easy on the gossip affecting her. This is a big gut punch. I think it then went briefly to anger for OBS for not letting the affair die, but she recognizes it's entirely her fault, not OBS, and that she'd be just as vindictive in OBS's shoes.

My WW has this attitude where she is just going to take the slings and arrows. She's not going to let negative chatter affect her life and she's going to just focus on being a better person. I tried to explain to her though that the other women in town view her as a virus in a healthy body--we live in this idyllic, affluent town and she's an aberration; she represents chaos to them. So in all her interactions on this topic, she needs to lead with contrition; how it's the worst mistake of her life and she's going to spend her life earning forgiveness from her husband. That's what people want to hear from her--they don't care how confident she is to walk into school at orientation--that just demonstrates her hubris.

I understand how you feel. But,when women are talking about an affair between a married woman,and a married man,typically they feel bad for the betrayed husband, and disgust for the other woman. I say this, because I know how you feel about your wife badmouthing you. I've heard a few of these kinds of conversations. I can almost promise you they were being a lot kinder to you,than your wife was,when she was talking about you.

I have no doubt that she got all the vengeance and I had all compassion. She's the home-wrecker and I'm the cute dad they see picking up my kids from school.

My anger for not doing more to control the situation is not about my feelings (though I know the dads in town will only feel pity when they look at me), it's about having less variables in the path I'm on should we try to R. I also want to protect my children from negative chatter about their mother.

[This message edited by Drstrangelove at 12:34 AM, Tuesday, August 23rd]

Validating her: when you change anything right now to appease her. Doesn’t matter how small. It’s almost like any thing you do to work on your preA marriage is an admission to her that some
Of her behavior was caused by you. The fact you feel you need to ear her respect. Little things you say. She won’t see it this way later but I can guarantee she will now.

Also, I think she should read how to heal your spouse again. Because I read it too early and needed to see it again as well. It’s not a hard read but it may help her greatly see why some of her behaviors since the affair have had an effect. She needs a brush up, it will help her. Things were crazier then and I do believe she had learned a lot that she could connect with it more.

Do you think that if she read "Cheating in a Nutshell" it might help her understand the damage she has done to you? It is a tough read, especially for an adulterer, but do you think it might help her in the quest for her to gain some empathy?

Just throwing that out there to see if it has any merit in your attempt to get out of infidelity.

I don't know. I suppose I don't consider myself a sub, but I clearly have sexual fantasies that revolve around a submissive role. I don't feel that pull in other areas of my life.

I suspect that my sexual kink likely is sourced from that teenage girl situation and simply emerged years later, but perhaps it goes back further. I will say I don't *recall* interest in sexual submissiveness until I was 22 or so, and by that point I had many sexual partners, but no long-term romantic relationship

I've noticed you talk about this aspect of yourself several times in your threads and it peaked my interest. Because I've had similar fantasies throughout my life, though I haven't fully explored it.

The reason I haven't really explored it is that the vast majority of women are not sexually turned on by submissive and/or cucked men. They like to be the submissive ones. They want to be dominated. I'm aware of that so I always end up being the dominant one - because I want to be a good lover.

The furthest I've come to exploring it is with a couple swap with everyone present. But ideally, I want a women with a high sex drive that gets off on being dominant - then I can try to "out dominate" her lol.

Anyways sorry if I'm digressing from the main topic of this thread. I've read through all your threads and kind of feel like you're trying to put a square peg in a round hole. I dm-ed you.

Do you think that if she read "Cheating in a Nutshell" it might help her understand the damage she has done to you? It is a tough read, especially for an adulterer, but do you think it might help her in the quest for her to gain some empathy?

Just throwing that out there to see if it has any merit in your attempt to get out of infidelity.

I thought about it after I read it and determined it wouldn’t go over well with her—as you suggest, it would be too hard of a read and she’s probably get defensive.

That was a few months ago. I do think she should read it at some point, I just don’t know when.

Validating her: when you change anything right now to appease her. Doesn’t matter how small. It’s almost like any thing you do to work on your preA marriage is an admission to her that some
Of her behavior was caused by you. The fact you feel you need to ear her respect. Little things you say. She won’t see it this way later but I can guarantee she will now.

Also, I think she should read how to heal your spouse again. Because I read it too early and needed to see it again as well. It’s not a hard read but it may help her greatly see why some of her behaviors since the affair have had an effect. She needs a brush up, it will help her. Things were crazier then and I do believe she had learned a lot that she could connect with it more.

Got it.

And I suggested she read it again about a month ago, but she keeps diving into new books. I get the sense she’s more concerned with focusing on herself—she recognizes she was a bad person and wants to correct that.