SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

CT -

You left out the part where he was ambushed by her and her therapist, bullied into R, he tried to talk to her about the sex thing and she refuses to and tells him that's all he thinks about and he's like every other guy.

Oh yeah...he also won so i guess that makes it all better?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 8:17 PM, Sunday, March 26th]

The OP is aware of all those things, GoldenR. He's the one who posted them.

????

Isn't he also the one who posted everything you said in your post?

You made a post attempting to show me how she's been the model WW.

I showed you where she hasn't.

A lot of BS say their WS is remorseful, and doing the work. Then it comes out that they're remorseful, as long as the BS doesn't trigger, or stray from the "status quo." Which did happen here,when he told her he wanted more from their SL. She lumped him into the same category as the OM,got angry,and wanted to know why he wasn't ok with the status quo.

And..many times "the work" the WS is doing is coming home after work,parenting their own children,and helping out more around the house.

It's ok for AN to decide that the work she's been doing is no longer what is needed,and he needs to see more progress.

Hellfire...

Spot. On.

She's the model WW as long as OP tows the line and doesn't rock the boat. As soon as he stops reconciling on her terms, the claws come out.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 8:43 PM, Sunday, March 26th]

It’s not difficult to reconcile the two. She’s a model WW who has returned to the same sex pattern as before her A.

AN is posting three years into R. Remember, his WW expressed surprise just recently, when AN changed the status quo of accepting vanilla sex. She asked him why he is changing his attitude now about sex, as he has accepted what she has been giving him for the last three years.

What has brought him here is that he’s now second guessing his original decision to accept a reversion back to pre A sex with his WW.

AN I don’t think is debating whether his WW is both of these people. He’s simply asking for better sex. It’s as simple as that. If the sex was less vanilla, R would be proceeding along swimmingly.

One side is clearly in the right here...

OIN, let me state I agree with you that a woman or man has the ultimate say in what they will or will not do sexually.

But how to you view if AN decides he doesn’t want a lifetime of vanilla sex, especially knowing she gave it to her AP and says Mrs AN, I will not force you to do anything you do not want, but I cannot live the rest of my life with sex that I do not enjoy and I think divorce is the only other option.

Ultimatum or him exercising his right to live his life as he wants

Wondering if anyone else who is one of AN’s WW cheerleaders wants to take a stab at this

The other thing is that AN had probably read more than enough threads where the WW has offered and/or provided her BH the same sexual menu that the AP received. He’s now miffed, to put it simply.

Isn't he also the one who posted everything you said in your post?

You made a post attempting to show me how she's been the model WW.

I showed you where she hasn't.

Your aspersion was that the WW has been "unremorseful", but that is NOT the picture the OP has painted. His words were "model wayward".

Another thought, and I am by no means ANs WWs cheerleader. I’m just trying to be logical.

AN’s WW is a model WW according to him. There is one last, final very big item left on the list of being the ultimate model wayward, snd a close to a lock as possible on a successful road to R.

That one thing is the sex issue. ANs WW knows this, yet she’s not providing the sex he wants. To me, logically, if she could she would, as she has done everything else required to successfully R with AN.

There is thus a serious bit of psychological damage she is carrying around sex, snd sex with AN. Otherwise, she would gladly have AP style sex with AN, as she obviously wants R.

This is not a defense of her, but just plain logic applied.

Your aspersion was that the WW has been "unremorseful", but that is NOT the picture the OP has painted. His words were "model wayward".

Except if that were true, he wouldn't be here.

Except if that were true, he wouldn't be here.

So it is completely in the power of the wayward to fix the marriage, and if the wayward is super duper sorry and dies everything perfectly, the BS should live and let live?

I know you don’t believe that.

AN,

Back to you. Your wife says her affair was due to sexual repression and now she is returning to sexual repression. The definition of insanity is said to be doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Again focusing on someone other than your WW. The environment your victim WW was raised in caused her current issues. Is your poor WW creating the same environment for your children

your wife says her affair was due to sexual repression and now she is returning to sexual repression. The definition of insanity is said to be doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Unfortunately for AN and his wife's chances for R, it sounds like she has layered her shame of who she was and what she did during the Affair on top of her FOO's sexual repression. Double downing on the repression. Regardless of how model of wayward she is outside of this, AN is likely headed to a decision point if she can't figure out the happy medium between the "whore" she allowed herself to be during the A and the straight-laced matron she was before and after. I hope he can find peace which ever path he ends up on.

Otherwise, she would gladly have AP style sex with AN, as she obviously wants R.

Dude, he isn’t even asking for that. Simple question. If he says honey I love you but I can’t live the rest of my life with vanilla sex and if that’s the case we have to divorce, is he the monster some here make him out to be. Is this an ultimatum?

I don’t understand with all her supporters no one can answer this

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 11:01 PM, Sunday, March 26th]

He's clearly the monster here to a lot of people, obviously the waywards think that, but they're wayward opinions so he just wants a normal marriage and to have normal sex with his wife who had normal sex with someone else yet refuses to have normal sex with him. What a MONSTER

[This message edited by Dontgetit4 at 11:08 PM, Sunday, March 26th]

WWTL. What I’m saying is that she’s doing all the hard work to R. Why do all this work? She wants to R. The degree of sex to me is not relevant, whether it’s 25 percent more than the vanilla sex now, AP sex, porn star sex, etc.

The supposition proffered is that ANs WW is purposely, willfully, and with malicious intent withholding the better sex that he wants. This supposition simply doesn’t square with a WW who not only wants R, but is doing the hard work.

In fact, a WW providing her BH AP style sex is usually her first move in R - love bombing. This is the easy stuff, the manipulative stuff a WW will do to rug sweep her A. The hard stuff is the introspection, IC work, finding her why’s, disclosing the A, providing the details, no TT, working towards being a safe partner.

She’s doing the hard stuff but not the typical easy stuff. Love bombing is easy, so why not just do it? Doesn’t make logical sense, unless there is a serious mental block, a serious psychological issue behind this.

Dude, he isn’t even asking for that. Simple question. If he says honey I love you but I can’t live the rest of my life with vanilla sex and if that’s the case we have to divorce, is he the monster some here make him out to be. Is this an ultimatum?

I’m not sure if I am considered a cheerleader or not, just simply trying to provide some perspective.

To answer your question, AN has every right to say that he wants to divorce over the lack of enthusiasm with sex. If it is important and you are not compatible, going separate ways seems the logical thing to do. If I had a foot fetish and my husband found feet disgusting we would not be compatible. I would not blame either one of us for wanting to D if it was extremely important to one or the other.

My guess is, in this situation that Mrs. AN does not understand what she wants. She needs to do some serious work to figure out who she is sexually. It is up to AN to figure out whether or not he is willing to wait for her to do that work.

AN, I'm sure you have asked her why she did all of this. What is her response?