SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

In August I received a facebook message from a women who said in 2018 her husband and my wife had an affair. They meet once a month for 6 months and fooled around in his car and the last time they meet they had sex. He then broke it off. He came clean to her and she thought I should know. I spoke to this woman and there is no reason for her husband to lie. When I confronted my wife she said they did have lunch twice and were old friends but everything else was a lie. She said I shouldn't speak to them because they were crazy and to leave it alone. She never went back to the woman asking why she was doing this if it was fake. I actually didn't press this affair much more because while I was investigating I found out about more recent ones that took precedent.

I could see from phone records that from April 2020 till Feb 2021 she was calling another guy regularly. She said he was a friend from home and when her father was sick he was there for him. Her father passed away in Oct 2020. I don't have any proof of them meeting up but talking a lot. The talking ended for a bit when he got a girlfriend but picked up a few months later and I think possibly continues to this day. Didn't push on this one much either.

Because in April of this year she started talking to another guy. Calling on avg 5 times a day. Talking at night when she went to bed before I did and calling him all day while in the car and while at work. He is a bartender at her favorite restaurant that she would go out to once a week after work. She said they were just friends and his mother passed away a few years ago so he was there for her when she said I wasn't (this may be true I thought I was there for her but maybe I wasn't). I told her she needed to end this relationship and she said she would. She logged into my computer during COVID and I was able to see her search history. She looked up his bday and then if their astrological signs were a match, her searching for hotels near her work and for hotels by the hour. I confronted her and she had two execuses...she needed alone time to grieve for her father and then someone at work was discussing an affair so they were looking up this info. So her story changed.

I decided to put a GPS on her car and track her. One day I put a voice recorder in her car to test it as we would be in the car. Later that day I had to run our daughter to bball and she was going shopping. While there I noticed the car parked in a parking lot down the street from the store she was supposed to be at. I couldn't get there in time but the recorder picked up a 9 min call to this guy. She got a burner phone and talked to him about meeting up. She mentioned "not seeing him was bad for them", "she was going to kiss him the next day on his bday if they were only together for 5 min and couldn't be together" and then also said "I might go the restaurant and stare at the sexy bartender and cum my pants". They then meet for 16 min in his car. That night while drinking, not smart, I found the burner phone and confronted her. She said they were just friends and just had a phone relationship and what I heard was out of context. If I knew their friendship I would know it was a joke. I told her I didn't believe these crazy lies and we would be done. She said she would stop talking to him and wanted to work on us. She has never heard the recording just a few things I reminded her she said.

After this I was able to see a few strange stops that would show me that she was meeting him. And was able to see a facebook message from him on her watch 3 weeks after the burner phone day. Since early Sept I haven't seen or heard anything. I have confronted her that she needs to come clean but she says she won't admit to something that didn't happen and turns it around on me.

I decided not to blow up our family because her bday was in Oct and her fathers one year anniversary was also....then came Thanksgiving and now Xmas. We haven't discussed it or fought about it since Halloween.

I can't live this way any longer and after the new year I need to confront her. We have been getting along the last 6 weeks and actually going out to dinner and being intimate but she still hasn't admitted to anything. I actually feel bad that I am going to drop this on her. I feel like I have let it linger too long and I will be looked at as the bad person. I realize that is crazy because of everything she did.

I just wanted to tell my story and get advice. I don't think I can get past this and honestly not sure if I want to. She should have to feel some pain here and not think she got away with it. Have you been through similar. Advice? Recommendations?

[This message edited by Linc4180 at 1:40 PM, Tuesday, December 28th]

She’s cheating. You will NEVER know it all. She’ll die with the details she thinks are deal breakers, especially sexual details.

Sorry, but until you are ready to quit making excuses for your inaction and actually are ready to do something to get yourself out of infidelity, then our "Recommendations" are meaningless.

A good start would be to stop justifying kicking the can down the road again, and confront her NOW!!!

Hi, welcome to SI. You will find a great deal of support here.

Gently, it seems as though your wife is a serial cheater and an excellent liar.

This is the third guy that you know of, honestly, I'd insist on a polygraph.

Understand cheaters are liars. All of them. They will also deny, deny, deny even with undisputed evidence.

She had an affair in 2018. Two more guys since then.

Your wife is emotionally abusing you, that's what infidelity is abuse.

You need to confront her. She will lie and she will blame you and her father's death and every other BS excuse in the world she could find.

BTW, why in the world is your wife go to a restaurant/bar every week?

No more Mr. Nice Guy. She has played you like a fiddle for way too long. How much of this BS are you willing to take?

When you confront her, remain as calm as possible.

If she is not accountable for her actions, she will have another guy in her life once again.

There's no room for three in a marriage, you've had three in your marriage since 2018 it seems.

Also, don't ever give up your sources. You told her about the conversation you heard way too soon. She's probably gotten much more savvy and hiding her tracks now.

Look for another burner phone.

[This message edited by annb at 6:54 PM, Wednesday, December 22nd]

I decided not to blow up our family because...

She blew up your family. There is never a "good time" to react to the betrayal.

Has she shown you all the facebook messages? Text messages?

One of my favorite bits of advice I got from another forum was this:

"The only reason you shouldn't be reading every single one of her messages is because you tragically lost your sight in an accident and your lawyer is reading them to you."

Confront. Demand the messages.

I never did get to see them because the recovery software only got parts of the conversation.

What do you mean when you say you’re going to confront her after new year’s? You’ve already confronted her. She refuses to be honest. She has no remorse. If you’re going to tell her that you have more information of continuing infidelity be prepared to get more of what you’ve already been getting.

Consult with a lawyer or three and get an idea of what divorce will look like. Start separating finances. Kick her ass out of the marital bed. Go to the healing library here and read up on the simplified 180. It’s time to give her consequences more serious than a suspicious unhappy husband.

I am so sorry you have a reason to reach out to us, Linc.

You really don't need any more proof, I think you have enough. Besides, you are not taking this to trial, trying to convince 12 jurors what you already know. Your wife is not safe and you cannot trust her. Rather than trying to find more evidence so she will confess, please direct your energy on next steps on getting out of infidelity.

Have you seen an attorney yet? If you have not, please book a consultation. You will get the most out of this consultation if you go prepared. Have your financials, income, taxes, assets, liabilities, etc. You mentioned kids -- what is the plan for them? Will custody get contentious? What can you do to protect yourself? Think of all your questions and write them down.

Have you seen a therapist? If you have not, please schedule an appointment. Going through infidelity is traumatic and therapy is so helpful to the healing process as you sort through your feelings.

Lastly, focus all of your energy on your health, children and future. Your wife fired you as her husband through her actions. Do not let her suck up any more of you. Keep hydrated, eat healthfully, exercise and spend time with your kids. Do not get sucked into the narcissistic drama of an unremorseful cheater.

You do not deserve this and you are worthy of a safe partner. Take back control of the situation and start taking real action. Keep posting here, we all know how much this sucks.

If you feel that some people on here are being too tough on you it’s because they care. They’ve been where you are and know what’s coming. What’s coming is days, weeks, months, and years of you knowing what you know, finding out more, and then trying to make sense of it so you can hang on to the life you thought you had. The reality is you have a wife who is a serial cheater. You cannot get around that. It’s what you must face. You need a lawyer and a therapist and a doctor to help you with medication to get you through what is a painful time in your life.

It sounds like you’re going to do anything to try to keep your marriage. But it’s not your marriage, it’s her marriage on her terms, and you can go to the devil if you don’t like it. What we read on here I’m sure is the tip of the iceberg of how she treats you every day. One of the main ingredients of divorce is if one spouse treats the other spouse with contempt. From what I have read she finds you contemptible. That’s grossly unfair to you.

Give yourself time to breath. If you can, go visit a friend. Go running, skiing, exercising to get rid of some of the stress you are under.

Bottom line: you're married to a serial cheater.

This doesn't get better.

Serial cheaters don't stop. Serial cheaters are not good prospects for reconciliation.

Basically, if you sign up to stay with a serial cheater, you're signing up for more heartbreak.

I don't think I can get past this and honestly not sure if I want to.

Most can't. Most probably shouldn't. And you should never feel obligated.

Probably wise to at least see a divorce attorney, get a packet from them, and strongly consider initiating divorce proceedings. Most divorce attorneys no longer offer free consults, at least not in my region, so it's better to spend this time wisely really understanding the divorce process for real and getting ready.

Get your financial house in order, prepare to separate finances quickly, get your paycheck into a separate bank account and so on. Before you go see the attorney, make sure you have an accurate accounting for your assets, savings, credit card debt, her earnings and so on.

You already know enough. You also know if you've read enough that serial cheaters rarely come clean. She's an inveterate liar, so really what more do you need here?

[This message edited by Thumos at 7:07 PM, Wednesday, December 22nd]

Sorry you are here but you will receive good support. Read in the healing library. Do get checked for STD’s. You have not let it linger to long. You need to draw your boundaries and expect transparency given what you know. Having a polygraph exam is one tool. She has shown she is a serial cheater and she continues to contact her AP and to lie to you. Read and implement the 180. See an attorney to learn your rights. If her AP is married expose her A to the OBS. She deserves to know the truth.

Always value yourself. Take care of your health. Eat healthy, exercise and stay active. Be there for your children. Confront your WW when you are ready and understand what boundaries you want in your relationship. If she refuses any boundaries, you will have your answer. Good luck.

Polygraph!!!

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am ok with the tough love. I know I need to leave but I assume other people have struggled with it like I am. I did consult an attorney and have had counseling. I didn’t find it that useful. I have stayed this long because I wanted to give my kids one last holiday as a family. That may not have been the right thing to do but it was the decision I made.

And when I say confront her again it will be more of a I am leaving because you can’t be honest conversation. I agree I don’t need her to tell me anything as I have enough info.

Someone asked why would she go out every week. Everyone’s life is different but she would go out with work friends once a week. And I would do the same. I played in a corn hole league for awhile.

I know what I need to do I just need to find the strength to do it.

She is a remorseless liar that cheats on you, abuses you, and mocks your love as weakness.

Why are you tolerating this?

Why are you allowing her the honor of remaining your wife?

What are you thinking will change? Nothing fixes what is ALREADY DONE...the M is done, save the paperwork.

Respect yourself, value yourself, and go get a lawyer. D papers are your path out of this hell.

She said he was a friend from home and when her father was sick he was there for him.Her father passed away in Oct 2020.

She said they were just friends and his mother passed away a few years ago so he was there for her when she said I wasn't

I also lost my father about 2 years ago, and I've never really been offended by women who weren't there for me to fuck. Likewise, I never thought I was being rude not to be there to fuck bereaved women.

What is this, a funeral ritual or something? How stupid!

You don't need her to come clean. You are already aware of what is going on. There is no need to enter this vicious circle. Don't even think about R. It's okay to wait a few days as long as you're committed to the divorce.

Linc4180:

You are not required to get past your WW’s infidelity. No one is entitled to be granted the grace of another chance. Whatever you decide whether it be R or D you will receive good support. No one on this forum knows you or your WW. We only know the information you have shared in a few short paragraphs.

Based on what you have shared your WW has been deceitful and has lied to you while pursuing other men. Some have proclaimed categorically that a serial cheater can never stop. That it never gets better. That is untrue. Human beings have the capacity for change. Behavior can be changed. Peruse the reconciliation forum here in the Positive Reconciliation stories and you will find such stories. Of course there are also stories where serial cheaters continue to cheat months and years later. My point is we are all different. After reading two paragraphs I am not prepared to declare that your WW will never stop cheating. That it will never get better. I don’t know her and no one else here does either.

But you don’t care about pontificating about all cheaters, you care about your WW and your family. Has your WW checked out of your M? Is she actively seeking a new partner? Does she not believe in monogamy? Is she low esteem constantly chasing male validation? None of this matters if her infidelity, lies, and deceit are a dealbreaker for you. D would be your surest way forward in that case. It appears that is the direction you are headed and I heartily support you if that is your decision. We all know the pain and confusion you are feeling, and you have complete support whatever you decide. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:37 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)]

Hi Linc,

I don’t say this often after reading a situation. I suggest you file for divorce and serve her. Don’t give her a heads up, just line up all your ducks and kick her out. stay in your house, tell her to leave.

She isn’t going to change, and needs several 2 x 4s to figure out that what she is doing is wrong. I would also do the 180. You can read about it in the healing library.

This may shock her enough if you want to reconcile, but it may not. She appears to not care. shame on her.

Be strong, you deserve better.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 10:35 PM, Wednesday, December 22nd]

And when I say confront her again it will be more of a I am leaving because you can’t be honest conversation. I agree I don’t need her to tell me anything as I have enough info.

The bottom line here is that it's NOT incumbent upon you to get proof of infidelity unless you're suing for divorce on grounds. Otherwise, you can divorce for any reason you like... and certainly, playing this horrifying game of cat and mouse is a good enough reason. Her story doesn't make sense. People who are innocent don't keep burner phones. You might not have any actual proof... but you don't need it to end that marriage. And I'll be honest with you, I would. Clearly, you're not happy and there's no trust. So, it doesn't matter if you've got the smoking gun yet or not. What matters is that there's not enough happiness and trust in your relationship.

I suspect your WW will continue to stick to her story. So, be prepared for that. She might make you out to be the bad guy, but the dirty little secret there is that she would have written her own narrative anyway. If you're done, be done. Don't let it get under your skin. Get a good attorney and some parenting software. Let her find some other guy to play Tom and Jerry with.

I'm so sorry you are here.

When you drop papers on her, expect that she will have an "epiphany" and all of a sudden realize what a "mistake" she made and want to work on saving the relationship. Know this. She is trying to preserve her comfortable lifestyle until she can feather a soft landing spot.

Your best path forward is to Grey Rock/Hard 180 and give yourself the mental space to think without her manipulation on you. Kick her out of the bedroom so she cannot love bomb you and put a keyed lock on the door. This will give you the space and autonomy to act in your best interests. Do not suggest a single thing she can do to make it better. She is smart enough to have a double life so she can figure it out. Then you ignore her words and watch her actions. All the best to you.

Linc: What amazes me with people like your WW is that she does realize that on some level eventually, the evidence will be so overwhelming that she will not be able to hide what she is doing. Right now her lies have worked to keep you at bay in her mind. One would think that the threat of destroying her marriage just doesn't register or she simply just doesn't give a damn. Her compulsion to cheat is so overwhelming that she just can't modify her behavior. I don't know how someone like that is salvageable. She is like a junky on crack. The thrill is so intoxicating. Run for the hills. You have no choice. You should serve her on January 1st.

And when I say confront her again it will be more of a I am leaving because you can’t be honest conversation.

My man that is pretty sorry response to her cheating. You just tell her straight our I am not nor will I ever share my wife with one or two or three other men, you have continued by your actions proved your non commitment towards our marriage and here are the divorce papers, please sign & then I would like you to leave the house, and although I know I cannot force you, but it may be a good time for you to make arrangements with your lover or lovers for living arrangements. From my perspective your have been way, way, way to soft with your confrontations & you need to get a little bit mad about the whole thing. She is a very bad wife u need to find a good one there are lots out there. You've played catch & release so many times trusting a liars word that she will change - how's that working out for ya.

Sending strength my man.
NAC