So here I am with my tail tucked between my legs. I did not update the last post I had because I was ashamed and embarrassed to still be with this man. At this point, I have reached my breaking point and no longer wish to be a doormat and continue to feel worthless.
The last straw was actually the book "Not Just Friends" that I wanted him to read. I brought it up and gave it to him. I also told him that if he was NOT going to read it, just tell me because I didn’t want to be expecting him to. Well, weeks went by and the book was relegated to the corner of the dresser, then as a holder for some of his items. Was it picked up and read? No.
I brought it up again and told him that I felt like I was not worth his effort. He told me that tbh, he had been 99.9% sure he wasn’t going to read it when I asked him to. Why? Because it wasn’t going to change our relationship at all (aka he wasn’t going to get access to my body). That’s basically what it boiled down to. This crushed me and something inside of me died. I cried so much! He tried to "explain" but all his words just made things even worse. I cried every night after that conversation, but kept trying to be the "wife" he wanted me to be (I know I know, but even with therapy, my self esteem is still shit and it’s hard to stand up for myself).
Subsequent conversations weren’t any better. It went from "I didn’t say that" (that I was not worth his effort), to "Just because I feel like that now doesn’t mean I won’t change my mind, or you won’t change my mind" (to which I told him I shouldn’t have to), to "Well, it wasn’t the book I objected to, it was that I thought we’d closed the book on that subject (his boundaries/or lack thereof) and I was blindsided". You get the picture. During that conversation he told me that me being on this forum and telling people all our business was the same thing as him talking to a coworker about our relationship. I told him it was not the same, but he kept saying it. I just shook my head and said I didn’t even know how we had gotten here because I wanted to talk to him about he was making me feel worthless and I didn’t understand how me using an infidelity website to help me and support me because of something he had done, especially when I didn’t have anyone actually available irl to support me and help me, was the same as spilling all our shit to an opposite sex coworker face to face!
He did say that he shouldn’t have said that and it was crossing the line (which he seems to do a lot, push back and try to hurt me if the conversation isn’t going well for him). But it was too late. I could feel my body start to tense, ready for a world class sobbing event. I tried to hold it back but it only made it worse. I had my second ever panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, my chest and head hurt and it was just awful!
He sprang into action of course and tried to comfort me and get me to slow my breathing. He asked what was the emotion that had brought it on. Anger! Anger at his audacity! I told him that my feelings about his shit boundaries with other women were valid and that I didn’t know why he was saying such stupid shit when I was trying to talk to him about how worthless he was making me feel. He said he was sorry he said the thing about the forums and it was his fault I had my panic attack. (But no apologies about not reading the book and basically saying I was not worth his effort) He said that I was not worthless, to not say that. But that is exactly how he was making me feel…so…
Still, every night, I cried myself to sleep, and still, every day I tried to be the wife he wanted me to be. He told me that he didn’t mean that I was not worth his effort, lots of words, but no action to back it up, because by his actions, and inactions, he has consistently proved that no, I am not worth his effort, and I probably have not been worth it since Panama (check bio for that story). Trying to once again have this conversation, because I was having a hell of a cognitive dissonance going on, he not only doubled down, but tripled down. First I went over everything he had done to me and I was still here, still trying to make the effort to be the wife he wanted, to be better, and to have him tell ME that I was not worth HIS effort was incomprehensible. He then threw back at me "What about all the things you’ve done to me? Why don’t we talk about that? Why is always what I did?" And to be honest, there is probably only one thing I have "DONE" to him that could be comparable to some of the things he’s done to me, but that’s it, everything else I feel is normal marriage stuff.
Anyway, he then said that "To be honest, I’ve been wondering if this relationship is even worth the effort at this point." Or words to that effect. I broke again, because what the actual fuck? And of course, I ended up comforting him and reassuring him that I still loved him and that I was committed to this M. I know, I am a fool! And I still can’t seem to stand up for myself.
A few days ago he downloaded WhatsAp because a game he plays on his phone uses that to message each other. I was upset. I told him that I didn’t know why he didn’t ask me if I would be comfortable with him downloading and using that app, and what things could he do to reassure me that he wouldn’t cross boundaries because after all, these are adults (hopefully) and adults say adult things, have adult conversations, and make adult jokes. He told me that I could see his phone whenever I wanted to, blah blah blah. Of course he still didn’t ask me if I was comfortable with it, in my opinion, he didn’t ask because it didn’t matter what I said, he was going to use the app anyway, even if I said I wasn’t comfortable with it and didn’t want him using it.
Also, as if all of this wasn’t enough. He has not really changed. He will not go to IC anymore and will only go to MC if I ASK. He is in trouble at work because he tried to sneak in his phone! That is not allowed. He was caught, and what did he do after that? He tried to sneak it in again! He had been successful before in sneaking it in, for personal use. To watch videos and play games on it (he works overnight and can be boring). Anyway, he minimized the consequences, thinking it would only be a slap on the wrist. Well, it wasn’t! He is under investigation and may lose his job, worse, he might be arrested because they think he was sneaking in the phone for inmates to use! I told him that he was risking too much by sneaking in his phone, but of course, he didn’t listen, and now look. Ahh, the consequences of my own actions! He jeopardized his livelihood and really the whole family because he wanted to watch Netflix! So, it seems that he has NOT fixed what makes him susceptible to making bad decisions.
As you can see (sorry this was so long), this (not being worth the effort) was the straw that broke this camel’s back! My question is, would I be a monster to continue to "act" like I’m happy in this M while I get my ducks in a row? I fear saying anything because the last time I mentioned D, he went to a dark place and said he had contemplated doing something to get himself arrested and lose all his retirement and disability, plus his current job, which would leave him with nothing, ergo, would leave ME with nothing! Just going nuclear! Am I a bad person?
