He's stopped talking about it

BH has stopped talking about the A and our... "Journey" together afterwards, and it worries me a bit. I asked him about it last night, and he said that he thinks he's doing better, but also that talking about it has not gone well in the past... Not good. Not good at all. I am thoroughly embarrassed that he's not comfortable talking things through with me, but I can't blame him either. I thought the last time we talked about it went well, though...? I hope that with the bit of progress I'm making in IC that eventually I can become someone who is safe to talk to.

Though, I am probably not as far along as I think, as I got triggered over us disagreeing about who put his phone cords in the phone cord drawer and whether he actually looked where I suggested he look before he recruited me to find it for him, and the fact that I didn't find it in the drawer because I didn't even know what the thing looked like... Any time our perceptions of reality differ significantly like that, it's deeply disturbing to me. I have to remind myself that he's [most likely] not doing it intentionally.

There was another instance where I was saying that I think I've been pinning so much of my self-worth on his reactions and opinions of me, and how, for example, I've been working on this painting at the direction of my IC, and I felt so proud of it and my artistic abilities... But I still want my H to think it's good, and to think of me as creative and talented. My memory has me showing it to him and him giving me a lukewarm response of "It looks great so far," which is reminiscent of how I respond to my toddler showing me something entirely unimpressive while I'm too tired or busy to come up with more specific, heartfelt praise. He reports remembering telling me it's "beautiful" and having an in-depth discussion of the symbolism and that it's very "creative," but the only part of that I remember is sitting in the car with him and me rambling about my artistic choices while he murmured "mm hm" occasionally or cracked jokes that took us off subject a bit... There is a possibility he is right and he did say those things and I just don't remember, but I feel like I hang on his compliments so, so much -- like I live for them, which I know is entirely unhealthy -- that I would definitely remember if he actually said those things instead of maybe just thinking them. (I do think he thinks he says things aloud sometimes that he only thinks in his head. What a pair we are!) I guess maybe that's my inner child wanting the approval of others in order to feel good enough, again.

I don't know. I just feel so far away from him, like he's becoming a bit of a stranger. We've been giving each other lots of physical affection, but it's been difficult to have frequent sexual intimacy because we've both been really tired lately, and he'll either fall asleep on the couch, or one of us will fall asleep while sitting with our daughter waiting for her to pass out. Sometimes I sit there looking at Facebook. I know I've been spending way too much time looking at my phone, but I don't have anyone to talk to all day long, and often when we're together, he's just not saying anything to me. He apologized for it the other night and I said "That's okay," and I'm trying really hard to be patient because I know we're still working through the whole infidelity thing and we're less focused on my needs right now, but... I just don't feel very connected to him right now. I'm so sad about it. I'm trying to find childcare so maybe we can go on some dates in hopes that will help, and trying to find people with similar interests to hang out with IRL through Facebook groups.

I can't help but wonder if maybe trying to shift more towards self-love rather than pedestalizing him and needing his love, praise, approval, etc. is creating distance between us.

3 comments posted: Monday, October 27th, 2025

Is it okay to decide…

… That I’ve felt bad enough about what I did, for long enough?

I’ve been reading here and on other infidelity support forums for several months now, and while there is lots of helpful information, the occasions where a BS makes a negative comment or assumption about all WS in general seem to really make me bristle. I find myself having imaginary arguments with the posters in my head for much of the day. I was trying to figure out why that was happening, as it’s very disruptive. I think it might be because I have a deep need to feel like I’m a good person worthy of love and marriage, and there’s some insidious voice inside of me that keeps saying that isn’t true. It latches onto those negative comments online, amplifies them, and plays them on repeat, and I’m scrambling to defend myself and the last, struggling bit of self-worth I have from it.

I don’t want to forget my infidelity, because I think it’s important to keep myself vigilant for any warning signs that I’m at risk of doing it again… But I don’t think this amount of guilt and shame and thinking about it that I’m doing now is of much benefit, if any, to me or my husband. It feels like not my place to decide when I’ve felt badly enough, for long enough, but maybe I can? I have a plan in place to keep my marriage safe while I work on myself. I’ve introspected a ton and identified key issues to resolve. Maybe I can just focus on that instead of my infidelity, and save thinking about it for when BH is triggered or seeking comfort/answers?

Am I treading the line between self-forgiveness and… I don’t know, letting myself off the hook? (Does that make sense to anyone, or just to me?)

22 comments posted: Sunday, October 19th, 2025