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BH has stopped talking about the A and our... "Journey" together afterwards, and it worries me a bit. I asked him about it last night, and he said that he thinks he's doing better, but also that talking about it has not gone well in the past... Not good. Not good at all. I am thoroughly embarrassed that he's not comfortable talking things through with me, but I can't blame him either. I thought the last time we talked about it went well, though...? I hope that with the bit of progress I'm making in IC that eventually I can become someone who is safe to talk to.

Though, I am probably not as far along as I think, as I got triggered over us disagreeing about who put his phone cords in the phone cord drawer and whether he actually looked where I suggested he look before he recruited me to find it for him, and the fact that I didn't find it in the drawer because I didn't even know what the thing looked like... Any time our perceptions of reality differ significantly like that, it's deeply disturbing to me. I have to remind myself that he's [most likely] not doing it intentionally.

There was another instance where I was saying that I think I've been pinning so much of my self-worth on his reactions and opinions of me, and how, for example, I've been working on this painting at the direction of my IC, and I felt so proud of it and my artistic abilities... But I still want my H to think it's good, and to think of me as creative and talented. My memory has me showing it to him and him giving me a lukewarm response of "It looks great so far," which is reminiscent of how I respond to my toddler showing me something entirely unimpressive while I'm too tired or busy to come up with more specific, heartfelt praise. He reports remembering telling me it's "beautiful" and having an in-depth discussion of the symbolism and that it's very "creative," but the only part of that I remember is sitting in the car with him and me rambling about my artistic choices while he murmured "mm hm" occasionally or cracked jokes that took us off subject a bit... There is a possibility he is right and he did say those things and I just don't remember, but I feel like I hang on his compliments so, so much -- like I live for them, which I know is entirely unhealthy -- that I would definitely remember if he actually said those things instead of maybe just thinking them. (I do think he thinks he says things aloud sometimes that he only thinks in his head. What a pair we are!) I guess maybe that's my inner child wanting the approval of others in order to feel good enough, again.

I don't know. I just feel so far away from him, like he's becoming a bit of a stranger. We've been giving each other lots of physical affection, but it's been difficult to have frequent sexual intimacy because we've both been really tired lately, and he'll either fall asleep on the couch, or one of us will fall asleep while sitting with our daughter waiting for her to pass out. Sometimes I sit there looking at Facebook. I know I've been spending way too much time looking at my phone, but I don't have anyone to talk to all day long, and often when we're together, he's just not saying anything to me. He apologized for it the other night and I said "That's okay," and I'm trying really hard to be patient because I know we're still working through the whole infidelity thing and we're less focused on my needs right now, but... I just don't feel very connected to him right now. I'm so sad about it. I'm trying to find childcare so maybe we can go on some dates in hopes that will help, and trying to find people with similar interests to hang out with IRL through Facebook groups.

I can't help but wonder if maybe trying to shift more towards self-love rather than pedestalizing him and needing his love, praise, approval, etc. is creating distance between us.

[This message edited by Ghostie at 5:32 PM, Monday, October 27th]

he thinks he's doing better, but also that talking about it has not gone well in the past...

I'd say the majority of conversations that I had with my exww in those first few months did not go well at all. I can lol about that, today, as I write this. But, jezz... sooo many powerful emotions, triggers, doubts and fears.

Throughout the next year or so, I learned how to communicate on a whole new level. Some of that came from therapy, some from research on the net, and some from SI members.

Dynamics play a significant role in interpersonal relationships. I have a tendency to avoid conflict and build walls. My exww has (strong) codependent tendencies. Neither of us ever understood how those tendencies so horribly clashed until we were forced to do just that.

If my goal was reconciliation, what choice did I have but to tear down those walls and embrace conflict? I was so fucking terrified of placing those final bricks in the wall that... I broke.

And that's okay. Sometimes, to finally fucking learn, we have to break a part of ourselves before we can fix our shit.

By slowly tearing down those walls, by learning to work through conflict, I changed my side of our relationship dynamics.

Those deep, difficult conversations went better. Not always. By 18 months or so, more went well than otherwise.

Presence of mind. Knowing my own tendencies, being more self-aware, remembering that I can choose how I react to most things (thoughts, feelings, whatever), also helped to change those dynamics.

Overall, subtle changes lead to bigger ones. It's a process, you know?

I am probably not as far along as I think,

It's a very steep learning curve, with a lot to learn, and all of us want to get through it as quickly as possible. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I just feel so far away from him, like he's becoming a bit of a stranger.

I became a bit of a stranger to myself in a lot of ways. My exww, on the other... total stranger. I had no idea, no clue, she could have done what she did.

Men... we do most of our processing internally. We're kinda stupid that way. Being all "touchy-feelly" isn't the way John Wayne woulda dun it.

Maybe... your hubby just needs a little time to mull things over and chill for a bit.

Detaching from one another can be a good thing. It can help us to untangle the mess, to reassess our needs and desires, to become a little more self-aware, and authentic.

If R remains your goal, sharing the journey is its own reward, no matter how the future unfolds.

Ghostie —

It is early yet, so many steps backward to go with any steps forward.

You hit on it though — connection.

Every relationship on the planet is about the health of connection and maybe doubly important in an M.

Infidelity burns any connection the M had down to the foundation.

For me, it was shock and awe after discovery — six months of that. Then sadness and anger, and those other steps of grief mixed in for the next six months.

Then I built up some emotional walls, as that’s what all of us do after experiencing emotional trauma.

Year two, depression kicked in.

Year two is also when our MC reminded me that I no longer need to keep walled up, especially if I wanted to help rebuild the M.

It also took me those two years to believe that I wasn’t a back-up plan or the last man standing. No one wants to be second place or worse in an M.

I think my wife and started the rebuild in earnest in year three. I think we both felt all in, and really felt vulnerable enough and safe enough to get that connection back where it needed to be.

But, that’s why R is so hard. So much patience is required in a world that doesn’t make a lot of room for patience.

I feel fortunate that we at least knew we wanted to find a way back, and that helped a lot, because there are a lot of days that are tough, without the connection we each wanted (and needed).

Kindness was our secret weapon. Neither of us was sure the rebuild was going to work, but we were nice to each other anyway.

My anger phase wasn’t great, but my venting was pretty limited — because love and all that. Extra damage to the M never helps.

I will try to keep all of that in mind. Thanks guys