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My WH and are working towards reconciling after a porn issue and summer of escorts. We have been working hard for 2 yrs…..he is doing good work but it’s a slow process. Lately, he has been overly attentive to me. I feel like he is oogling me when I workout or by the pool. It’s nice to feel attractive to my husband but the constant comments, looks and touching is honestly making me feel creeped out. Could he have replaced porn with….me? Does this happen? It’s feels awful and I’ve spoken to him about it and he says he’s working on it with his therapist. Am I being ridiculous? 🤦‍♀️

I ogle my wife. I try not to get caught. What I’m thinking is probably TMI.

Porn might be a substitute for my wife; my wife is not a substitute for porn.

What's "creepy" about it?

What's "creepy" about it?[quote
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I don’t need constant comments about my body about what a great butt I have looks across the room, etc.. Yes we can have a loving relationship and it’s nice that my husband finds me attractive, but it’s excessive and it’s making me uncomfortable. I work out and take care of myself for me. I wear what I want. It’s for me. It’s not for him.

It's probably because it's different after infidelity. I became repulsed by my xWS after his A's. It actually started before I discovered them because he was doing things to me that I knew were different that he was doing with his AP's (unbeknownst to me) my body picked up on it though. After all the A discoveries it was game over my body completely rejected him. Some people can come back from this and some of us can't. My current boyfriend does all of those things and I love it probably because he has not betrayed me in that way. I couldn't stand it coming from my xWS and I found his ooogling creepy.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:27 PM, Thursday, August 28th]

Did his therapist make any comments? Maybe it’s a good sign, and you might be overreacting.

If his behavior creeps you out, it creeps you out. Don't second guess yourself! When behaviors make you uncomfortable, it's time to pay attention to those uncomfortable feelings, not to discount them.

You're not "over reacting" nor are you "being ridiculous." Feeling loved. appreciated and cherished as a complete, desirable human is NOT what's happening when his behaviors creep you out. So, please trust your feelings. Uncomfortable reactions to his "excessive.....constant comments, looks and touching" doesn't seem out of line. Feels like a legitimate response to unwelcome oogling/touching - IMO it's possible it feels unwelcome because you're feeling objectified.

It must be unsettling when this uncomfortable behavior comes from an H who made a habit of objectifying women via porn abuse, and who actively participated in sex trade. To him women were (are??) a commodity to be bought and sold to serve his ego fortification and pleasure. You say he's "working hard", but it's not a huge stretch to think some of his objectifying/entitled attitudes and behaviors towards women could extend to you - you're a woman, no?

You've talked to him about it. Is talking working? Time for you to set some personal boundaries around this behavior?

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 8:21 PM, Sunday, September 7th]

I think you’re creeped out because you feel like you’re being objectified. You’re seeing the side of him that the women he patronized saw— and that has to be extremely disconcerting.

It’s one thing for your husband to compliment you and make you feel sexy and loved as a whole person— quite another thing to feel like you’re being catcalled or oogled like a piece of meat.

For context, what was he like during your courtship phase? If he wasn’t like this, then as BoundaryBuilder said, his porn and prostitute addiction may have shaped his view of women as commodities to be possessed, not humans— even you, his wife. He might also be lusting after you as a "conquest" he needs acquire, rather than a relationship that he’s rebuilding.

I think you need to be honest with him about how his behavior makes you feel and ask him to address it in therapy. If he’s as committed to R as you claim, he won’t think this is an unreasonable request.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:31 AM, Sunday, September 7th]

It appears he is objectifying you and that is what you feel.

I agree - if it’s creepy then it’s creepy.

Most likely b/c of the porn use you feel he is replacing you with the type of things he viewed. It’s not done in a sexy loving way (to you).

Question is - what do you do about it?

I think he might be overdoing trying to make you feel appreciated and attractive and loved. Maybe he's kind gone overboard on it because he is trying to reassure you. When it comes to changing behavior, we're all newbies, it's built into changing at first. Sometimes we just get it wrong, or overdo, or it sounds kind of fake, or whatever. I think he IS trying. If this were me, I'd let him keep on doing it and see how it goes. Maybe you compliment him some more too. Yeah, at first it might seem kind of insincere because we might feel like we're carrying on like Gomez and Morticia Adams, but there are worse things than that. I think you're just not used to this kind of attention and maybe you're taking it the wrong way? Or maybe you don't feel this way about yourself? Personally, I think we should all consider ourselves little tin gods and goddesses because....why the hell not. Yeah, I know no one's going to mistake me for Sydney Sweeney, but it's nice to be fawned over anyway, even if I know it's a bit artificial. Everything is kind of artificial until we get used to it or they get more practiced in doing it right.

Maybe this particularly irritates you because it feels so false after what he did? I can understand that, but I'd give him a chance to treat you like a Domestic Goddess for a while. My guess is that as you both get more comfortable and natural with each other after the trauma of the infidelity behavior, his behavior will start to become more normalized. Frankly, I don't think he knows how to act right now so he's going overboard with the praise. And maybe he really does appreciate you more now if he understands what he might have lost.