SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,
Thanks in advance for all the support. Not sure how to start but I’ve been married for 16 years, with 2 boys 11 &14. Things in our marriage have been tough - husbands parents have both died in last 5 years, he keeps losing his job and has been very angry due to horrible upbringing.
I discovered £30k of debt about 2 years ago which we ‘fixed’ with savings. Then a year later he’d taken another £10k loan which he is paying off. I’ve done credit checks etc so nothing else (yet 😩).
His mum died recently and I knew something was off so went snooping. He’s been viewing porn & the piece that makes me feel sick is he’s been emailing massage parlours/escorts. He confessed he’d been using massage parlours since dad’s death as we weren’t hugely sexually active and felt so miserable. I am in so much pain as can’t imagine life without my boys all the time & because of their ages they are gaining independence and only interested in football (which their dad plays/watches with them all the time). He is undoubtedly an awful husband but a good dad but feel like I’ve lost on every level. My kids, my home, my pension etc (I earn more than him and much better with money so have higher pension etc). It feels soooooo unjust that I can’t get to the point of asking him to leave as my self esteem has been trampled. Sorry for the long post. Looking for what helped you and where did you get your courage from. I’m so wounded I don’t see how to move forward. I’m SOOOO devastated for the kids - they are at difficult ages with one starting gcse and one starting secondary.
How do I be the mum they need and try and be happy when I’m drowning in the pain that the man I married has caused me & also inadvertently them also. Thankyou so much for your time and sorry that you are here on this site. Would be great to also hear some success stories of how you grew out of this horrendous experience. It’s such a lonely place to be so this forum is a godsend to make it a little less lonely Thankyou 🙏

There is no pain greater than finding out about infidelity in a marriage. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this but you are with the right Community for support and advice

The first piece of advice I would give is to find a good IC just for you. Do not start MC until you firmly believe you want to save the relationship.

Next, print out copies of all of your financials and put them in a safe place.

Is he remorseful? Is he begging for forgiveness? Has he apologized sincerely?

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:13 PM, Tuesday, August 12th]

So Sorry you had to find us. I only have a couple minutes ,but wanted to let you know you’ve been heard.

Please read in our healing library and read all the posts with bullseyes in the Just Found Out forum- you may have to go back a few pages to find them. Great information that will help you feel less alone.

Focus on you - your health, sleep, exercise, hydration, healthy food. If you are having trouble, see your doctor. Many of us needed a little help temporarily for the anxiety and sleep issues. Also get full panel of STD/STI testing and make sure he does too. Don’t have unprotected sex with him until you both are tested and you SEE his results. (Liars lie as it happens so insist on seeing his results).
Avoid alcohol and drugs- they will make things worse.

I echo finding IC (individual counseling) for you to help you process this. Is there anyone else IRL you can talk to? Someone who will support you no matter whether you D or R or ?? Sister, bestie, pastor, etc? It really helps to have someone to talk to.

Read up on the 180. .You can use that to help you detach from your WS while you are in shock and focus on you and your kids. It’s to help you and your brain not be consumed by him and the A.

See a lawyer. Not to D— you probably aren’t ready to make that type of decision yet. But to fully understand your rights and financial situation so you can feel less fear about the future and protect your assets for your and your kids. Knowledge is power, so get informed. You don’t need to tell him about this -this is just for you.

What is HE doing? How is he trying to fix himself and what he has done? Don’t listen to his words - watch his actions. They will take you if he is taking responsibility and trying to understand what he did and needs to do now vs just hoping you sweep it under the rug.

Also, times have been tough and that may explain his state of mind. That is NOT an excuse. He made choices and he willingly and knowingly made those choices. He is 100% for his choices.

Lastly, hang in there. You will get through this even though it hurts like nothing else and will take longer than anyone wants.
You are stronger than you know.
-BB

I am so sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. Read in the healing library and pinned posts. Lots of good info there. Do get tested for STD's. Take care of you the best you can. Eat well, and if you are struggling with food, try protein shakes. Get exercise even if its a good walk or jog with your children. You have been heard. You will get through this.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're here. There's no justice with infidelity. There are some posts that are pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are other posts that are really good, and you can identify them by their bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of good information. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for emotionless infidelity that might have some insight for you.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful. Your WH (wayward husband) should be in therapy to become a safe partner.

Your WH should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's fairly short and is a nice blueprint on what he can do to help you heal. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. He has also committed financial infidelity, so he has a lot to work on.

I understand the self-esteem tanking because that happens to many of us. But really, he probably didn't care what the other person looked like. Plus, think of the beautiful stars that have been victims of infidelity: Halle Berry, Shakira, Jennifer Aniston, etc.

One of our members here is Chaos, and she is a BASGU - bad ass sparkly goddess unicorn. Buy and outfit or several that make you feel fabulous and wear them. Buy nice underwear that is sparkly, lacey or something that would help you to feel awesome and wear them. If you need your hair done, go get it done. Do what you need to do to become a BASGU and sparkle. You are the prize.

Thankyou for taking the time to reply, it helps to know people care.
We have two boys with big milestones ahead (GCSE’s & starting secondary). I work full time but can barely focus and he has started his own business so not earning anything !!!
I am not sure how it could be any harder.
I will visit the other posts, get IC and try to get through the days until I can feel something other than pain.
It’s sooo painful yet so avoidable - why would anyone treat the mother of their children this way? How do I ever get over these feelings of resentment when his actions have broken our marriage, will break kids heart, will possibly screw up their mental heath, will make kids life logistically and financially much harder. All because he couldn’t deal with his feelings/emotions in a healthy way.
I want to tell everyone about his escort/massage parlour habit but there’s so much shame and I can’t bear the kids to find out. I’m now scared that as he clearly has entitlement issues that I’m the only parent who can teach the boys about respect.
My friends told me once I always bought the sunshine with my energy but now he’s broken that so I only bring rainy depressing storm vibes !!!
Sorry for being so miserable - just hurting sooooo much and want this pain to end. Xx

...I can’t get to the point of asking him to leave as my self esteem has been trampled.

It has never ceased to amaze me just how hard infidelity hits most people. Among the myriad of issues it causes, the hit to our self-esteem can be devastating.

Until you realize...

Your WH's choice to stroll on down Infidelity Lane had absolutely nothing to do with you. You are in no way, shape or form at fault here. His choices are not a reflection on you, at all. You did nothing to warrant or deserve his betrayals.

Being betrayed like this is sooo dehumanizing, though. I get it. We didn't seem to matter. Not one little iota. It's mind-boggling how a WS can simply dismiss the thoughts we know they surely had.

I believe that infidelity is self-destructive. For any number of often incomprehensible reasons, wayward spouses blow-up their own lives. We, the betrayed, are collateral damage.

Check your self-esteem again. What's changed? A shit-ton of pain, a mind-fuck of epic proportions, an uncertain future, a roller-coaster of emotions... and so on and so forth...

You're still you, though. Your worth hasn't changed just because your spouse is broken.

Hi all - I’m still drowning in this nightmare! Have tried to get through summer for the kids sakes but now they are back to school trying to move forward. I have a compulsion to check my husbands emails still and every time I find something really triggering (emails to escorts, escort website login etc). He even visited an escort recently after I uncovered his second life! He will go crazy if he knows I’ve gone into his email but I can’t stop myself even though it makes me miserable.
I’m so torn. Shall I tell him everything I know and try and help him with his challenges?
I can’t face separating and him having the kids for some time. It’s so unfair he’s using family money to fund his bad choices. Should I tell my friends? I’m worried it will alll get out and kids will suffer but it’s a lot carrying jn

You’re snooping.

He’s screwing other women.

On the bad behavior scale, you’re 1 and he’s a 10.

Wait a minute.

You’re a 1 and he’s a 1,000,000.

Keep the focus where it belongs.

Survivor15, a lot of people will suggest that you not make a decision right away and that you give yourself time to consider whether reconciliation is possible with your husband, but you don't have that luxury. Your husband has driven you into debt in the past, depleted your savings, and is squandering money on a hooker habit. Also, research has shown that there is a high correlation between men who pay for sex and drug use; so it's entirely possible that there is more than one addiction at play here and that his constant job loss and anger issues could be related to his habits.

For the sake of protecting yourself and your children, you need to file for divorce.

Don't wait until he has driven you into debt you can't dig yourself out of.

Don't wait until he destroys your credit.

Don't wait until his profligate spending means that you need to work for the rest of your life and never retire.

Don't wait until you've contracted an STD.

Don't wait until he gets arrested for engaging in illegal activity.

Don't wait until you are mentally and emotionally broken down to the point that you can't be the parent your children deserve.

As the primary wage earner for your home and the primary caregiver for your children, you are already--for all intents and purposes-- living your life as a single mother. The main change you will experience from the divorce is that you will only have 2 sons to care for instead of 2 sons + the manchild.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:26 PM, Thursday, September 4th]

Survivor15, my husband did his online bullshit when we were going through an incredibly difficult time dealing with his very demented father - the care was even more difficult than the average case - and other issues too, and that's when he started with online dating apps and messaging women. He never met any of them, I do believe that, and I don't think he sent any money, it was more like pretending to be someone he wasn't. Like adopting a new persona. It sounds like your husband has just rejected his normal life and is kind of pretending to be someone else. How did it end for us? Well, we're still together, but it made a big permanent dent in our relationship - frankly, after 10 years, I'm only starting to feel what might be called romantic "love" for him again, and it surprises me. He recently admitted to some things from that time and it made a difference to me. But he was not spending money or having sex with these women. That was my line in the sand.

There's so many things you have to guess at and don't know. You know what you've found but you don't know what you haven't found and you don't know why he's doing this or how bad it can get. As Bluer than Blue says, there could be other things involved like drugs because it goes with that sleazy environment and also people who are trying to kill some level of pain or experience something different in their lives....not necessarily better, just different. I think once people get caught up in these kind of activities they really can get enmeshed and it can be hard to get them to stop. Not to discourage you, but it's often a downward spiral into progressively more degraded things in general - like stealing money from your family which is what those debts represent. Those are probably payments of various kinds to these organizations and women - Only Fans people can scam a lot of money out of guys. He might be paying for drugs. It could be something else. How does he explain the lost money? I emphasize the money because while guys especially will excuse sex because it's..."natural"....they can't excuse the money and when I see a lot of money being spent somewhere, that's a gigantic red flag to me maybe bigger than the sex. It shows a deeper level of involvement with this. What is he doing with at least $40,000 gone (that you know of)?

I would see a lawyer right away to discuss this and to protect you and your kids from potential even larger debt and the ruin of your own credit, which YOU MIGHT NEED going forward. This is the kind of thing that can follow you around for years. With him being so reckless you have to protect yourself and the kids, and the only way to do this is through a lawyer. A divorce lawyer. Tell the lawyer your story and see what they recommend (try to get someone who seems well recommended). You DO need to protect yourself and the kids. You don't have to go directly to divorce, but oftentimes I think it IS the best solution even if you pull back from it, or you decide afterwards to get back together. Sometimes divorce is the only way to protect yourself or to make your spouse see how serious this is and that something major HAS to change. I understand your concern for your kids which all decent parents share, but the first issue has to be bread and butter....your/their money and property has to be protected and your credit preserved. Don't let him ruin you because this does happen.

Beyond that, you have to take care of yourself physically during this time. As people say, drink plenty of water, eat as healthy as you can, try to have some fun activity for yourself - fun is critical in life - and get those STI tests. Don't dwell on humiliation - it's not your humiliation, it's what he's done. If you have to talk to people, go ahead and do it, you need the tests, the support, the advice. Get IC if you can. I'd also suggest a small vacation for yourself if you can do it - I think it's good to get away even if it's just to spend some time with a friend at a distance. Distance helps to give perspective and that's a big thing we lose during these traumas. Sometimes when you get away and consider your problem, new solutions come up or you realize....he's not all that and a bag of chips. I know you want as ideal a life as you can for your kids, but I think he's ruined that at this point, and maybe permanently. Do what you have to do to protect yourself and your kids - he will always be at the rear of this because he's the one who brought this on. Your focus is on you and the kids. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL. He might try to blame this on you at some point, they often do. Don't take that shit. This is ALL on him. His reaction to crisis is on him, not you.

Survivor15, I didn't see your post about going through his mail. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS. He's created a whole secret life where I think he's spending big money, hidden from you and the kids and YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DEALING WITH.
He's obvious hiding it and lying to you, you have to KNOW what you're dealing with. There can be privacy in marriage, but NO SECRECY. If you think your spouse is hiding things, you have a right to check it out on your own. I know I did and it was illuminating. I also found out about a long distance EA he'd been having for years. So always keep looking, keep copies of what you find if you can, AND DON'T TELL HIM. DON'T TELL HIM. He's only going to lie to you and go deeper undercover. His head is not in the right place. You go tell a LAWYER and get advice on how to protect yourself and your kids, esp financially, and what divorce would look like for your family. I'd take copies of your financial records with you. People like to focus on love which is painful but nothing hurts as much as not having enough to live on or having big debts because your husband wants to screw around with strangers. Protect yourself.

I personally would not be talking to him about what you find because that would just be a warning to him about what he's doing, and as I say, he's only gonna lie and take it deeper underground. Note it, copy it, keep it hidden for yourself in some place he wouldn't find, and talk to a lawyer. That and an independent counselor, NOT a marriage counselor, is your best bet at the moment. And do try to share this with someone you can really trust, a close friend or relative who will NOT share anything with him. I think he should be kept in the dark at this point about how much you know. When someone behaves treacherously towards spouse and family, it becomes like a war and you have to keep the advantage on your side as much as you can. You don't know this man anymore. You don't know why he's doing this or what he is also capable of, especially if he might be using drugs.
Not trying to scare you here, but I am warning you not to share with him. You can talk to him about what he's doing in general, but DO NOT TELL HIM ANY SPECIFIC THING YOU KNOW OR HAVE FOUND OR INDICATE ANYTHING HE MIGHT FIGURE OUT ABOUT YOUR SOURCE.

Survivor15, Welcome to the club nobody ever wants to join, but I'm glad you found us.

Do not feel guilty for reading his email. Do not feel guilty for snooping. Do not tell him you are snooping. You have most probably only started to uncover his "other" life. You need to know what kind of nonsense he's been engaging in. If you ask him and let on that you know, he will only deny and make it sound like you're the one with the issues (snooping and spying).

Get tested for STD's. Take care of yourself and your boys. Read in the Healing Library. Arm yourself with knowledge. There are extremely helpful and wise folks here at SI. Take one day at a time.

I. Am so sorry you are here….I can share that I had a very similar experience minus the financial infidelity. A summer of escorts and pron I never knew about.. 26 year loving marriage 🙄. Here is what I did:
STD testing
Went on a vacation to clear my head
Saw a lawyer
Mediated a settlement which is now a legally binding post up…
Great therapist

What he did

Immediately took all responsibility
Immersed himself in therapy
Realized he had a lot of trauma and was self soothing
Porn popped up again :( we separated…..he dug in deeper
My husband kept going until he found what works, a great therapist emerged and 12 step.

We are reconciling. He has done tons of work and is not perfect but is less angry, no longer drinks, understands the damage he has done - is looking towards a healthier future.

We did not tell our young adult children for the first year. When we separated I told them. They were devastated but it was the right thing. No secrets. We are all rebuilding together.

So, you will get lots of advice here. Some good, some bitter. Slow down. Pause, take radical self care steps ……..seek calm. Heal yourself and then you get to decide your future. There are amazing podcasts out there also …. I listen every day

I. Am so sorry you are here….I can share that I had a very similar experience minus the financial infidelity. A summer of escorts and pron I never knew about.. 26 year loving marriage 🙄. Here is what I did:
STD testing
Went on a vacation to clear my head
Saw a lawyer
Mediated a settlement which is now a legally binding post up…
Great therapist

What he did

Immediately took all responsibility
Immersed himself in therapy
Realized he had a lot of trauma and was self soothing
Porn popped up again :( we separated…..he dug in deeper
My husband kept going until he found what works, a great therapist emerged and 12 step.

We are reconciling. He has done tons of work and is not perfect but is less angry, no longer drinks, understands the damage he has done - is looking towards a healthier future.

We did not tell our young adult children for the first year. When we separated I told them. They were devastated but it was the right thing. No secrets. We are all rebuilding together.

So, you will get lots of advice here. Some good, some bitter. Slow down. Pause, take radical self care steps ……..seek calm. Heal yourself and then you get to decide your future. There are amazing podcasts out there also …. I listen every day

There is no gentle or kind way to say this:

Without confronting the issues there will be NO CHANGE.

If he thinks he’s getting away with it there will be more money going to sex-workers, more debt, more secrecy, more anger, more control.

I don’t like calling them "escorts" because it seems to glorify what they do. Nor do I like to call them "whores" because I think the vast majority are really victims. But frankly – the difference between someone calling herself an "escort" and the "whore" leaning on a lightpost at the end of a road is mainly price and mutual desperation.

You need to confront him.
You don’t have to tell him everything you know.
All you need is to tell him that you know he’s using sex-workers, and that this along with the accumulated debt are dealbreakers for you to remain married. That if he wants this marriage then he needs to prove to you that a) he is remaining within the expectations of fidelity and b) becomes financially accountable.

You talk about your boys. Friend – as-is they might stand to lose their family – as in mom and dad. Maybe – maybe not. What is more likely however is that with his ongoing behavior they will lose their HOME. After all – a man who can’t hold a job due to anger-issues, isn’t bringing home any income and spends family money on sex workers – is the perfect prescription for financial ruin. It’s going to fall squarely on your shoulders to save them from that. With or without their dad.