SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

former bs here

There is a long list of things I regret in my marriage and divorce. I will share a couple in case they are of benefit.

#1 was underestimating what an unrepentant wayward spouse is capable of. I now view waywardness as a failure of integrity, the absence of which was very damaging

As examples

-exwh was coached to get me to be intimate with him to legally negate the impact of his repeated infidelity on the divorce

-exwh was assisted in hiding and lying about substantial assets and income

-exwh told serious and horrifically impactful lies to law enforcement, the court, and anyone who would listen to him (he purposefully went after my professional and my future ability to get a security clearance among other despicable things)

-exwh had the element of surprise—he was planning what he did to me long before he did it and I was reeling from being blindsided by an emotional 2x4

-exwh used marital counseling to shift the narrative from cheating being bad for the marriage and needing to end and the cheater work on what was wrong with them that made them cheat to actually confusing the marital counselor into questioning whose version of reality was accurate (when I had pictures of the cheating)—yes "Joe" I was telling the truth and exwh was actually cheating and it was genuinely not good for the marriage

-exwh

#2 was being "nice"

I needed to put my needs and the needs of any children first. Exwh was putting himself first

#3 was thinking exwh was the prize

There are literally probably millions of potential consensual romantic partners out there that I could have been with—I needed to stop acting like exwh was the last potential sexual and romantic partner on earth

Waywards can and do change, but it’s a lot of hard work. I personally would not choose my exwh now as a sexual and romantic partner if he was the last man on earth. He did not do the work to be a safe partner. But I say this to highlight that even divorce is not a one-way street. If a wayward does the work and the betrayed does their work and both want to get back together, it can happen even after divorce. It’s not an either/or situation

#4 failure to see the story exwh was telling

Wishing you much peace and healing as you navigate this difficult stuff.

Hello all. Well I did it. I called the OBS. I found her number through the power of the internet. She thought I was joking at first. I told her and she was in shock. She said her husband told her it was just one picture of his penis a month ago. That was it.
I told her the extent that I knew from my wife's admissions and the text exchanges I read. She said this was not the first time (surprisingly). I tried to console her. I told her to reach out to her loved one's for support. Then I told her I will not contact her again. She can reach out to me if she has any issues.
I still feel bad for ruining that lady's day but I didn't start this. I have a little more self respect though. My wife doesn't know yet. Thanks for your advice and support.

My wife doesn't know yet.

Keep it that way. If your wife comes at you, demanding to know why you did this, you can conclude:

1. More proof she’s not remorseful
2. She’s still in contact with OM

Good job! Now she has the information to make informed decisions on any life choices.

Well I did it. I called the OBS.

Excellent work btw. Great job! You did the right thing morally AND it’s high time this POS gets at least a chance at a natural consequence for his choices.