SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello there,
I'm 38 and in love with my wife for 19 years this december. We never had any troubles and in all these years I always checked with her that everything was ok, that the spark was till on and whether or not we had to adjust something in our relationship from time to time. The answer was always no, even when i jokingly asked her if she ever cheated on me or at least felt attraction for another man. I work in a nearly only women office and from time to time I felt bad for fantasizing about another collegue or having a little crush on a new one. And she never told me once she looked another man or she fancied even an actor from a movie or tv show. Nothing.
In these 19 years we made some long distance friends, mostly her, that she used to see once or twice a year, being hosted but one of these friends, a slightly older man with whom my wife loved to talk about art, culture and dancing (since he loves irish dancing). We share everything else but I never liked dancing and if I know she has somebody who likes going into museums, I really encourage her to nurture that kind of friendship, since she only had friends in common with me.
So lately we had fertility problems and after a second abortion in June (following an hospitalization due to hormonal overstimulation caused by an oversight of our doctors'team), in october she started having anxiety and panic attacks. We searched for help both with prescribed drugs and therapy and during one of these bad anxiety crysis to lift something from her chest she drops the bomb: this friend she started hang with and be hosted by ten years ago, sometimes was also her lover. Not all the times she visited but with a peak in 2015-2016. She told me she just wanted to try once something different (understandable) and to do this as an act of rebellion not against me but against what she was at the time (no degree, jobless, mainteined entirely by my livelyhood). And again, even if it wasn't just once, but a two year time span, I'd forgive her. It was a long time ago.
BUT
How could she keep him as a friend all this years? Use him to vent her anxiety and her problems? You can't do that once you get sexual with somebody and expect to keep the same kind of relation. In 2019 we got married and were very happy: she should have come clean that time or any time before that. She didn't, she slept in the same bed with him 4 months after marriage (what the hell! That's not normal. And he also tried to move onto her but she refused - oh, thank you really). But this was another huge red flag saying you CANNOT keep this "friendship" and also hope to hide everything to you husband. That's not healthy for literaly nobody. She said she was hoping to keep control, that the crush was very over by then and such. Then in 2023 she fell for it again, and this time with sex. And in 2024 he was our guest (yeah, ofc I'd host him in my house since he was such a good friend and host for my wife) and they nearly do it another time.
These last 5 years I have difficulty to forget and forgive. She allowed this problem to endure 10 years. She didn't want to lose this friendship and now she risks losing our 19 years story.
AND NOBODY WANTS THAT: not me, not her. BUt the only thing giving us respite is sex (yeah, crazy I know); all the other times I lie in the bed, with no drive, every passion I had, I shared with her and reminds what we were: special, we were eachother's first love and mate. And now this thing is broken and I desperately search for tools to cope.
I know she cannot possibly be a totally different person from the one i Loved but I really cannot believe how coward she was. She never confessed willingly: she only did because her anxiety was driving her crazy. She also lost the chance of telling me the truth, calmly, with all the details and on her own will. Instead now we are both shattered...

Sorry if the grammar is messy, not a native speaker and not in the right condition to proofread it...

Sometimes the weekends are slow.

You need therapy and so does she. A married person does not cheat. If they do they have basically made the marriage null and void. If you want to save it she needs to find out what made her behave this way. You need help processing the fact that the person you love cheated and lied to you.

You also need to look after yourself. This kind of trauma can have a bad effect on your health.

Phew. That's a lot. Is she still in contact with the other man? Are they still "friends?" Once that line has been crossed "just friends" goes completely out the window. ANY continued contact or communication means the affair is still ongoing. Even if the physical aspect has stopped(?) there's still an emotional aspect of the affair happening.

I have a feeling you still don't have the whole truth. I'm sorry, but 2 adults of the opposite sex who have a history of being attracted to each other sharing a bed together pretty much means there was almost certainly sex involved.

I'm really sorry you've found yourself here. Infidelity really is a mindfuck and it's one of the hardest things to have to go through. I've seen people say it's worse than the death of a loved one, and that's been my experience. I have some more thoughts, but your situation is more complex than mine was and outside my wheelhouse for advice giving. Others will be along with more advice and questions for you, but just know that weekends are kind of slow here.

Take care of yourself. Stay hydrated, make sure you're eating, and try to get some good sleep, tho I knownthats easier said than done. See your Dr for some temporary meds to help with sleep if you need to. Whatever happens just hang in there. I know it doesn't feel like it now, bit you will get through this. It's just going to take time.

Thanks for your sympathy. The problem lies exactly therein: they were friends until 10 days ago. She was also planning to visit him along with other friends in december...I cannot understand how this was normal to her. Even if she did manage to keep things under control (and she clearly wasn't that good at it), it was not something acceptable. Now ofc she stopped but she needed to confess it in order to close this. That's so easy and convenient. That's no good will, just sheer need now.
We also tried to conctact him, very calmly and rationally. I messaged him and when he understood what was going on (I was very decent in my messages) he just said "I always considered her just a friend and I don't want anything else than good for her and for the both of you" I mean, what kind of reply was that? I just wanted closure from him. No apologies, no explanations: just closure. Then he blocked the both of us. And I'm ashamed to admit I have gloated a bit when I saw my wife sad for his behaviour: she really did consider him a good friend. If only she hadn't fucked up the whole friendship...
I started eating again, thanks. Never experienced lack of appetite in my whole life. I'd only wish it didn't show at work but I'm really down and it shows into my face and also into my concentration on my work.

It's hard. Really hard, to deal with infidelity. Especially in a longer term relationship like yours. I was married for almost 27 years when my wife had a short lived affair and it devastated me. That was 8 months ago and I still have some rough days where I struggle with memories, both real and imagined, of d day and them together. Your situation is compounded by the fact that it involves a "friend." Someone you also know. I understand the pain you're going through, friend.

You said that he blocked you guys after you talked to him? That's all well and good, but if possible she needs to block him as well. I don't know how that works if you've been blocked first, but he needs to be blocked on your end as well, and absolutely NO CONTACT between he and your wife ever again. If they're still in contact in any way, shape or form the affair is still ongoing, and if the affair is still ongoing there can be no reconciliation.

You're going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a long time. If reconciliation is your goal, I hope your wife is prepared for the long haul of up and down emotions you're going to be going through. The general rule is that it takes 2 to 5 years just to recover from betrayal trauma like this, and reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress. Make no mistake, you've been badly traumatized, and she really needs to get that. She also really needs to care about it and be willing to do anything it takes to fix what's been broken. She needs to be 100% on board with fixing this if you're to have a chance of salvaging and rebuilding your marriage. Anything less than 100% from her, and it will not go well.

You need to set some boundaries and both of you need to stick to them. Like I said, one of the first and most non negotiable boundaries needs to be absolutely no contact with her affair partner ever again. He needs to be cut completely from your lives.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:13 PM, Saturday, December 13th]

Welcome to SI and sorry you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page we encourage new members to read. Please read the Tactical Primer. There are other posts that aren't pinned that have a lot of great information. You may need to scroll to find them. Just look for the bull's eye icon.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed counselor. You may wish to be tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty things out there.

Your WW (wayward wife) needs to be tested for STDs/STIs, too. She needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner. She should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

She needs to be NC with the friend. Continued contact keeps the A alive.