19 years together...

Hello there,
I'm 38 and in love with my wife for 19 years this december. We never had any troubles and in all these years I always checked with her that everything was ok, that the spark was till on and whether or not we had to adjust something in our relationship from time to time. The answer was always no, even when i jokingly asked her if she ever cheated on me or at least felt attraction for another man. I work in a nearly only women office and from time to time I felt bad for fantasizing about another collegue or having a little crush on a new one. And she never told me once she looked another man or she fancied even an actor from a movie or tv show. Nothing.
In these 19 years we made some long distance friends, mostly her, that she used to see once or twice a year, being hosted but one of these friends, a slightly older man with whom my wife loved to talk about art, culture and dancing (since he loves irish dancing). We share everything else but I never liked dancing and if I know she has somebody who likes going into museums, I really encourage her to nurture that kind of friendship, since she only had friends in common with me.
So lately we had fertility problems and after a second abortion in June (following an hospitalization due to hormonal overstimulation caused by an oversight of our doctors'team), in october she started having anxiety and panic attacks. We searched for help both with prescribed drugs and therapy and during one of these bad anxiety crysis to lift something from her chest she drops the bomb: this friend she started hang with and be hosted by ten years ago, sometimes was also her lover. Not all the times she visited but with a peak in 2015-2016. She told me she just wanted to try once something different (understandable) and to do this as an act of rebellion not against me but against what she was at the time (no degree, jobless, mainteined entirely by my livelyhood). And again, even if it wasn't just once, but a two year time span, I'd forgive her. It was a long time ago.
BUT
How could she keep him as a friend all this years? Use him to vent her anxiety and her problems? You can't do that once you get sexual with somebody and expect to keep the same kind of relation. In 2019 we got married and were very happy: she should have come clean that time or any time before that. She didn't, she slept in the same bed with him 4 months after marriage (what the hell! That's not normal. And he also tried to move onto her but she refused - oh, thank you really). But this was another huge red flag saying you CANNOT keep this "friendship" and also hope to hide everything to you husband. That's not healthy for literaly nobody. She said she was hoping to keep control, that the crush was very over by then and such. Then in 2023 she fell for it again, and this time with sex. And in 2024 he was our guest (yeah, ofc I'd host him in my house since he was such a good friend and host for my wife) and they nearly do it another time.
These last 5 years I have difficulty to forget and forgive. She allowed this problem to endure 10 years. She didn't want to lose this friendship and now she risks losing our 19 years story.
AND NOBODY WANTS THAT: not me, not her. BUt the only thing giving us respite is sex (yeah, crazy I know); all the other times I lie in the bed, with no drive, every passion I had, I shared with her and reminds what we were: special, we were eachother's first love and mate. And now this thing is broken and I desperately search for tools to cope.
I know she cannot possibly be a totally different person from the one i Loved but I really cannot believe how coward she was. She never confessed willingly: she only did because her anxiety was driving her crazy. She also lost the chance of telling me the truth, calmly, with all the details and on her own will. Instead now we are both shattered...

Sorry if the grammar is messy, not a native speaker and not in the right condition to proofread it...

5 comments posted: Saturday, December 13th, 2025