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When I told her that I was going to divorce her, she said, "divorce me? Fu*k you, I'm divorcing you!" That's the first time that I've heard the word "divorce" come out of her mouth - typically it's 'separation.'

The fangs/claws have come out now and are fully exposed. The game she was playing is out now and shes scrambling to re-gain control. The redeeming factor here is that the shock of this revelation seems to be numbing the remaining affinity for her and bracing you into action. Im glad you are seeing an attorney. Retain a good one and follow their directions to the letter. They will ask you the needed questions. As Bigger said, you are terminating her as your wife.

The drum Im going to beat is limited exposure to her. You may yet mistakenly want to interact with her in order to get further answers. You will never get the answers from her that you may seek. Just take her at face value right now. This is who she is. As has been said here many times, ignore the words, believe the actions, albeit both from her are pure poison right now. The woman you thought you knew and loved is long gone.

Gotta steel yourself to be cold and dispassionate. Easier said than done, I know, but she has clearly chosen the way of brazen betrayal and enmity. You will not be well served to try and find middle ground.

You may already be there, but I just wanted to add some innoculation against this temptation. Dont get fiery, get icy. Cold, steely, stone faced and do not get baited into confrontation. Shes the arsonist and there is nothing to be gained by mucking around in the ashes with her. Id advise seperating from her physically but I dont know the ramifications of that legally. If you have to be in the same room with her, have a var on you and running at all times (check the legal regs on tbat in yoyr state). If you need to bolster yourself in this regard, get a copy of "No More Mr Nice Guy" and read it.

Tough tines indeed but you can and will make it through to the other side. I can attest to this.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:42 PM, Wednesday, August 26th]

Thank you everyone for the cont'd feedback and advice.

I have a consultation set up with an attorney in <30 minutes and I have questions lined up. Will post details later.

In the interim, I received a call from the OM's wife this morning. Apparently when I spilled the beans to the sister-in-law, she called the OM and gave him an ultimatum, telling him that either he had to tell her, or she was going to. OM left a day early yesterday and didn't even have the balls to tell his wife in person, he called her from the airport. Of course he minimized it, saying it had been an emotional affair until they "slipped up" and "crossed the line" a few weeks ago back in New Orleans. What a gem this guy is. I told her all that I knew, that my WW started really acting strange/distant and had first asked for a separation back in May - this is right after the business trip that she had w/the OM in his own city, where his wife lives just minutes away. Then New Orleans and now Boston! Oh wait, OM's wife didn't even know that my WW was in Boston this week w/her husband until I told her a few minutes ago. We shared timelines, lies, cover-ups, etc. It wasn't satisfying in the least. To hear someone on the end of the other line in shock, pain and devastation put me right back to where I was 9 days ago. I apologized and told her to call me if she ever wanted to talk or if she had any other questions.

Thank you everyone for pushing me to expose this A to the OM's wife. She was audibly broken, but appreciative at the same time. Oh, and she works for a divorce attorney - you can't make this stuff up. Good luck to the OM

I think the idea of making the intent clear by separating bedrooms is a good one. But what you can do is offer options rather than dictate she sleeps on the couch. Maybe you end up sleeping in the spare room. Maybe you find ways to share the master bedroom. What you can’t do is dictate. Turning it into "you are the one that cheated, therefore you get the old army-cot" argument is futile, and drama. A more direct "I think it’s best we have our own space while we start the process of separating our lives. I suggest one of us moves into the spare room. Toss a coin for it?"
Same with the monitoring. At some point you need to back away from that. If you two are decided on divorce then it’s no longer your concern if she’s talking to OM or planning a weekend away or anything like that. In fact – a competent attorney can possibly use your monitoring of her as an indication of controlling and/or abusive behavior.

Seeing as you are divorcing there isn’t any need nor ability on your half to request a STD test. Marriage is over isn’t it?

While I normally agree with your advice Bigger, I cannot in this case- at least not at the beginning so soon after DDay or when a Wayward returns from an obvious sex adventure with the AP. Sure, there's a time to be reasonable in a divorce case but not in the first couple of days after discovery. Offering the wayward a coin flip to see who gets to stay in the marital bed while the betrayed may be regulated to the couch because of no fault of their own could almost be considered coddling the wayward. Would that come with breakfast in bed?(/sarcasm)

As for the demand for STD tests- this shows the wayward the seriousness of the matter and hopefully shuts down any attempt to love bomb the BS (especially true in the case of wayward wives.)

Beetrain, of course you're going to have to be reasonable at some point in all of this, divorce or not. But I would advise you that you should in no way allow your WW to return home and carry on as nothing has happened. She's going to want to get things back to normal with the kids and home life as soon as possible. It appears she would prefer you to be out of the house so she can persuade the kids and family by spinning her story that she has set up. Get to an attorney ASAP. It is quite common in Texas to file an Ex Parte Temporary Order to establish who has primary residency of the house which will kick out the opposing party. It is also not unheard of to file Ex Parte Temporary Protective Orders alleging violence or threat of violence that could also prohibit you from having any contact/communication with the spouse and children for at least 30 days. So, unfortunately, it can be a race to the courthouse to see who files first. Act fast.

I agree with NukeZombie.

There is a great scene from the movie marriage story. Ray Liotta plays a divorce lawyer.

"If we start from a place of reasonable, and they start from a place of crazy, when we settle, we'll be somewhere between reasonable and crazy."

Then Adam Driver responds:

"Which is still crazy."

And Liotta follows with:

"Half of crazy is crazy."

I find it very apt that my suggestion to avoid drama is rebuffed with a quote from a movie…

I used to be in law enforcement. I went to dozens of homes to deal with domestic abuse. Unfortunately, LEO tend to suspect the male as the initiator of abuse, and a semi-standard first response is to create separation between the disputing couples. You DEMAND your wife sleep on the couch and prevent her from using her bedroom… this escalates into a loud verbal argument… police called… knowing that neither party has the right to demand something like this, the one making the demand will probably be deemed the instigator and aggressor.

Nobody is suggesting being lenient. It’s more an issue of being real and goal oriented.

Treat what you are dealing with through reality.

Bigger my point was just about letting a lawyer handle any negotiations at the start and let him be an advocate for your rights and the rights of your kids. Let him be as aggressive as he feels the situation warrants.

As for the movie it is actually one of the most honest divorce movies I have ever watched.There is another scene where Ray Liotta tells the father not to quote their kids. It was a really good watch.

"Don’t quote your kid. He’s just telling you what you want to hear. Trust me, he’s telling her the opposite."

[This message edited by TheGhost at 5:40 PM, Wednesday, August 26th]

You DEMAND your wife sleep on the couch and prevent her from using her bedroom… this escalates into a loud verbal argument… police called… knowing that neither party has the right to demand something like this, the one making the demand will probably be deemed the instigator and aggressor.

Sure, anything can happen Bigger but let's avoid red herrings. The facts as relayed to us are that there are 3 teenagers in the house who aren't real happy with their mother right now. 3 potential witnesses for law enforcement to interview if called to the scene. Now, sure if Deputy Incompetent shows up anything can happen. But if Beetrain6 is firm, keeps his head about him so he doesn't fly off the handle and protects his interests he should be ok.

Texas is a one-party consent state Beetrain6. After meeting with your attorney, I'd head to Best Buy and purchase some discrete surveillance cameras and at least 1 dedicated VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) device. Place the cameras in the master bedroom and common living areas. Use the VAR to discretely record any conversations with your WW when/if she returns home. You should have a smart phone and the ability to record video. Look up Apps so the phone can double as a VAR and also to record phone conversations. Sucks to have to do this but you will need to be on guard for any false domestic violence charges. Implement a hard 180 -- as I told you before your WW is going to want you to become emotional both to manipulate you and to portray you as unstable and/or violent. Always be on guard.

You may also want to have conversations with your children that if they hear their mother raising her voice or losing her temper in the house to get their cell phones and record what their mom is doing. Even if they're in their bedrooms, they can record what their mother is saying. You will have to educate them, pretty quick, that it is quite common for false allegations to be made and you do not want to be arrested on false charges. A hard conversation to have, to be sure, but again better safe than sorry.