SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks, Bigger.

Update:
- While although I was unable to contact the other wife directly, I just got off the phone with her sister and told her everything. We'll see if she does anything with this information or if it is swept under the rug. I left my name and number in case the other wife wants to speak. Time will tell.

The other wife deserves to know. It takes guts to step up and be the person who informs the wife in this case.

As someone who unknowingly dated a serial cheater - I was forever grateful to the girl who let me know what was really going on.

You did the right thing / even if it goes nowhere.

She never apologized for the A , not once. Never took accountability, not once. Never said she regretted (I didn't ask, but I think we all know the answer) what now is known to be an emotional relationship that eventually turned into a sexual one - and likely still is

You have received from her what you need to know. Brazen determination to continue with her adulterous treason regardless of the fact that she is crushing your soul and leaving treadmarks all over you. SHE DOES NOT CARE. It is a painful reality when you must accept that your "spouse" is your own personal Judas/Benedict Arnold/Brutus all rolled up in one, but accept it you must.

As you said, you are early in in this train wreck of her making, and probably punch drunk, but she really is leaving you little choice but to pick yourself up and chart a new course for your life, sans the traitor. The critical question for you, first and foremost, is how to marshall the strength to do what must be done. Like all monumental tasks in tbe midst of crisis, write a prioritized list and knock them out one at a time.

Good news is, you can do this just as many here have done. You can also go on to thrive (I have).

When I said earlier that you really had what you needed in her brazen disregard, I really mean that. My fist wife wasnt as brazen, but wasnt all in on R either. She blew hot and cold and it was wildly disorienting. Sometimes I thought that we were getting somewhere, then it looked like we were on the road to nowhere. I have come to believe that this was purposeful. She spoon fed me enough crumbs to keep me on the hook and then backed off. It was torture. When it ended, I looked back and knew that my white knight, "Im going to fix it", "staying for the kids", approach was windmill tilting. I should have cut it off long long before. You, at least, know exactly where she stands, and it certainly is not as your wife anymore.

Do your best to marshall your strength and move with a purpose. Delaying is a road to even more prolonged pain imo.

Much strength and clarity to you sir.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:24 PM, Monday, August 24th]

Thank you both.

Well, word got to my WW it would assume b/c she is absolutely blowing up my phone. It started with text messages: "you have a sec" and "can you talk real quick" to two phone calls (unanswered) to "convenient" and now, "you're a dick and a liar" & "did you tell your friend **** what a horrible person I was too?"

I have not responded other than saying I was in a meeting until 1pm (another 2+ hours). I have my VAR here ready if I have to talk to her. I'm shaking w/nerves

Mind you, I texted her last night asking if she could talk. She said, no - with a client at dinner. I said I'll be up for awhile. I texted 3 hours later and crickets - no response. Until early this morning when she said she had gone to bed early (same loser excuse as all the previous times). Fast forward to my phone call w/the sister-in-law of the OM and now she won't stop calling and texting

It started with text messages: "you have a sec" and "can you talk real quick" to two phone calls (unanswered) to "convenient" and now, "you're a dick and a liar" & "did you tell your friend **** what a horrible person I was too?"

Toxic and off the chain. You do NOT need to be alone with her.

Great Job!! You are doing awesome and taking back your agency and helping others do the same.

The light you have shed is going to be giving you a better look at where she is at.

Reread TheFirstWife's one comment yesterday..... prophetic!!!

Keep up the fight for you and your dignity, your children, and others who want to live with integrity. You got this...💪💪💪

Well, word got to my WW it would assume b/c she is absolutely blowing up my phone. It started with text messages: "you have a sec" and "can you talk real quick" to two phone calls (unanswered) to "convenient" and now, "you're a dick and a liar" & "did you tell your friend **** what a horrible person I was too?"

I have not responded other than saying I was in a meeting until 1pm (another 2+ hours). I have my VAR here ready if I have to talk to her. I'm shaking w/nerves

Mind you, I texted her last night asking if she could talk. She said, no - with a client at dinner. I said I'll be up for awhile. I texted 3 hours later and crickets - no response. Until early this morning when she said she had gone to bed early (same loser excuse as all the previous times). Fast forward to my phone call w/the sister-in-law of the OM and now she won't stop calling and texting

My advice to you until you discuss your situation with an attorney, is to go complete no contact with your WW until she returns. Good job on the exposure. Exposure kills affairs and ruins the 'fun' for the cheaters because they didn't expect consequences or if they did, they wanted to be the ones managing the consequences- especially in exit affairs which this may be one by your WW.

Let her stew for now wondering what you and the family are doing. When you don't respond to her calls/texts be prepared for her to go through the children to find out what is happening. Be prepared to discuss with your kids to watch out for communications from their mom and I'd probably ask them to 'play dumb' until she gets back and don't go into anything with their mom. It's up to you if you want to tell them your WW is currently with her boyfriend in Boston- I'd ask your attorney how this could affect any divorce case and respond according to what advice your attorney gives you.

Does your WW expect you to pick her up from the airport when she returns? I would leave her hanging and let her find her way home by herself.

Don't play the pick me dance, implement a hard 180 on your WW (read up on it here: https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/ ) Find an attorney that you like and are comfortable with and follow their advice.

Stay strong. You will get through this, it sucks now and will continue to suck for a bit. Be prepared to step back and ask yourself "just what am I fighting for?" Consider best case scenario- she comes home, fall to her knees in front of you and begs to be taken back, tells you that the affair is over and she will do anything to stay with you. What exactly have you 'won?' A lying, cheating person that willingly stabbed you in the back-- you get to decide if you want to offer the gift of reconciliation and do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life or start fresh... Get your body and mind in the best place on how you want to proceed. Take all the time you need. Again, stay strong.

" you're a dick and a liar" – "I’m sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage then that would need to be addressed. But seeing as how you are committed to your infidelity and I am getting out of infidelity there isn’t any need to go there."

" did you tell your friend **** what a horrible person I was too?" – "I’m sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage then that would need to be addressed. But seeing as how you are committed to your infidelity and I am getting out of infidelity there isn’t any need to go there."

You’ve been told this already, but I’ll reiterate, you definitely are not weak or a doormat!
It took me like 3 months before I could even get my footing and to stop flailing along like an idiot before I could come roaring back and start doing what I should have done from the start. You did it in a few damn days. It’s a huge blessing that the kids are with you on this.
Now that the affair is starting to blow up, expect your WS to just lay out all the stops trying to get you to stay and all the talk about how much she wants you and oh the mistakes she’s made and she didn’t mean any of it!
Don’t fall for it. At least not right away. No matter what she does or promises, give yourself at least 6 months before deciding to stay. Even if you really want to, you need to watch what she does for a prolonged period of time. Not what she says.

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 10:50 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2026

" you're a dick and a liar" – "I’m sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage then that would need to be addressed. But seeing as how you are committed to your infidelity and I am getting out of infidelity there isn’t any need to go there."

" did you tell your friend **** what a horrible person I was too?" – "I’m sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage then that would need to be addressed. But seeing as how you are committed to your infidelity and I am getting out of infidelity there isn’t any need to go there."

I wish I could "like" posts, but since I can't I'm just gonna quote and repost.

Beetrain, I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but you're doing well. Stick to your guns, follow the advice that's been working for you, and hang in there. Don't let her weaken your resolve. Use Bigger's reply quoted above for everything.

You did great exposing the affair. At least I hope thats why she's blowing your phone up.

Check the laws in your state on using recording devices. In some states only one person (you) needs to know about it. In some you need consent. I'm not sure if you'd be legally liable for doing it, but you won't be able to use it in court. The workaround would be to announce that you're using one in front of her and make sure it's recorded.

Stay strong. If there's any chance of saving this, and that's if you even want to, sticking to your guns and not doing the pick me dance is your best chance

Beetrain if it’s possible I suggest you either ask a close friend or relative to come and stay at your place. Or move out when she returns, alternatively inform her that you have a var on you when you talk. Because given her anger she could try and make false accusations against you.
Be safe.

Let me get this straight...

She has lied to you endlessly, cheated on you emotionally and physically, had sex with someone else, continues to have sex with someone else, has consistently asked for a separation from you, does not answer or respond to phone calls or text messages when she is with the other man, lies and makes excuses about why (even though we all know it is because she is with the other man), does not apologize to you for what she has done or for what it is doing to you and the kids, does not take accountability, blames you, etc...

But, you are a dick and a liar? That is hilarious. I hope you give absolutely no heed to that statement whatsoever except to be entertained by it's ridiculousness. It never ceases to amaze me how narcissistic cheaters can be with their justifications for adulterous behavior.

She does not answer your calls and ignores your text messages and refuses to talk to you when you request to because she is with the affair partner. But when she wants to get ahold of you it becomes she who is blowing up your phone and hurling insults? You would do well to start preparing for a future without her. She has painted a clear picture of what she thinks of you by her behavior. There has to be serious consequences to her actions in order for her to possibly get snapped back into reality. And even then there are no guarantees. If she has contempt for you, why deal with her at all?

How do you think the other man would deal with her if she treated him the same way she is treating you? If she lied to him and cheated on him and did not take his calls or respond to his messages because she was too busy running down to 7-Eleven to get a hot dog and a Big Gulp with another man? And that is just the affair partner. You are her HUSBAND. You have been together for 16 years. You have 3 children together. She should never treat you like this.

It is one of the worst kinds of pain that we will ever experience. Mine was hell on earth. I almost offed myself. But when I look back now, if I had it to do all over again, I would have never stood for any of this disrespect, not even for one second. And it might have gotten my ex wife to stop, or to stay, or to at least reconsider, or to try. Or maybe not.

But ultimately the power would have been mine to make decisions that were healthy for me and that were best for me and that got me away from the infidelity and the disrespect coming from the very person who promised to love me forever. And even if she didn't stay, and maybe I would not have even wanted her to stay after getting my legs back under me, then at least in time I would have my dignity and self respect back even if I didn't have hers. And who knows? Maybe in time she would even respect the way I handled things. I don't care about that anymore. But still.

Friend, you are doing better than you realize. No one plans for this crap. It is almost inhumane. But we are all veterans of fighting in these wars. Keep posting.

[This message edited by LightningCrashes at 12:10 AM, Tuesday, August 25th]

Read this and see if what SpaceGhost007 did resonates with you at all. I'm not saying this is what you should do or how you should handle things. I'm just saying sometimes it is good to see how someone else took the power back and the effect it had on his wife. She was chasing HIM and begging HIM not to leave HER. She was willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. Which is what you need in order to have a chance to save the marriage. But as of right now that is not what you have. Not even remotely.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=552588

Totally agree with Bigger’s advice. Don’t engage with her or argue. Her playing the victim will continue. Firmly shut down any blameshifting when she attempts to draw an equivalence between her infidelity and any of your issues in the M. You are not a perfect partner. No one is. Your WW also has issues but you remained faithful despite any failings she has. Be firm in your boundaries and requirements to stay in the M. It’s interesting isn’t it that your WW who complained about you not loving her enough, has an A with a man who does not love his own wife enough to remain faithful to her. Ironic, eh?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:47 AM, Tuesday, August 25th]

Thanks everyone for the cont'd insight, offers of encouragement and for sharing your life stories.

Update:

After an additional text message sent reading "I told you to try to use my kids against me, I will go after you," I finally responded 3+ hours later with "Kids don't know anywhere near the extent of this," she called me. I asked if I could call her back so that I could start the VAR. Of course, a few minutes into the conversation, the VAR started giving a very loud and obnoxious echo like feedback. So, I turned it off.

The initial part of the conversation of course centered around the fact that the OM's wife now knows about the A and she told me that she was surprised that I'd do such a thing and that she wasn't expecting that from someone like me (still not sure what that means, but you may guess in a few). I told her that the OM's wife had every right to know. I told her that she'd want to know if she was being cheated on, right? No answer. She asked why I didn't call the OM directly. I said, why, so I can ask him how he enjoys fuc*ing my wife - hell no. Not much of a response to that. She then referred to what I did as a "bitch move." Okay, moving on as we are going nowhere with that.

A few seconds later we transition again back into all of my transgressions, how what she did was expected b/c she told me she needed someone who was going to love her and take care of her and that we really weren't "married" as she reminded me again about the times where she's asked for a separation. This went on for awhile as she basically threw everything against the wall to justify her actions while diminishing the severity of said actions, likening cheating to again, hiding alcohol, lying - you name it. She even mentioned drugs (pain killers), which is complete BS b/c she knows 100% that I don't mess w/prescrip pills, even after I had my knee surgery. It's almost like she had told this story so many times that it has snowballed into a bunch of lies and/or exaggerated facts, just to divert the responsibility back to me and to eliminate any accountability for her.

She then started w/the name calling and I disconnected the phone. I texted her that if she wants to act civil, we can talk at another time. Otherwise, I'd see her on Wednesday. She then called each of my oldest kids, separately, and had brief conversations. Nothing about her and I, just about them. She sounded sad - certainly not how she just sounded w/me (mad) or how she likely sounded w/the OM last night (ecstatic).

Fast forward 30 minutes, texts me and says that she's staying in tonight and not going out to dinner with the group as she's tired. Next text, "I'm sorry this all happened the way it did." At first, I was thinking (and was about to respond in kind), was this meant for me, or the OM, b/c that's who I believe she is feeling sorry for. Instead, I simply replied, "me too."

In full transparency, I don't even know who this person (my WW) is at this point. After 16 years, you would think that you'd know someone in their entirety, but it's almost like she's a completely different person. The lies, the cheating, the inability to take accountability, verbal cruelty, blaming etc. She couldn't give me a minute of her time yesterday to talk, now she spends almost the entire day trying to talk, change the narrative and make this my fault.

Anyway, that's a wrap for today. I don't have any regrets in reaching out to the OM's sister-in-law as that was my only way, and chance, of getting this news to OM's wife. I don't care that he's down in the dumps or that his marriage may be in trouble or if his wife just doesn't care. I just feel good that my WW is finally getting what they both deserve, even if just a little bit.

Edit to the above post
I am still working on my 180 skills. I hope that the next time she tries this, I'm able to diffuse the situation much quicker without engaging as much as I did today.

You’re doing fine. No one does it perfectly when confronted by this shitstorm. But now you see why the 180 is recommended, and not engaging is the best course. She will only try to hurt you. She is steeped in her own lies and rewriting of your marital history to justify her betrayal. It is all very typical and common. The BS often describes the WS as being taken over by an alien. Well done notifying the AP’s SIL. At least now his OBS knows the truth of her life.

My guess is that she’s staying in tonight because OM doesn’t want to see her. He’s scrambling to save his marriage, and she’s finding out the hard way that despite all his pretty words, maybe he didn’t quite luuuuvvve her the way she thought he did. Now she’s reckoning with what she’s done to her life, and it’s too hard for her to think it might be her fault.

You did the right thing by telling the OBS. And the fact that it ruined their little tawdry affair vacation? Good. But the takeaway once again is that when fantasy hits reality, reality wins every time.

If you’re having trouble staying on the 180, just remind yourself that she’s been such an enormous bitch to you that her own daughter told you to leave her.

It really sucks to find out someone you love is not the person you thought they were. I wish there were a word in English for this feeling. All you can do is mourn the loss of the person you imagined they were, and deal with the person they actually are.

Sorry Beetrain, I hope you can get some rest tonight.