SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello! I’m also new here and going through similar feelings. My husband of (almost) 29 years has been having an affair with the person I thought was my BFF.

My heart is broken, my marriage is broken, my trust is broken and I can’t even turn to ny "bestie" because I found out she’s also a fraud. It sucks to discover you’ve been living a lie (I still don’t know exactly how long this has been going on but I do know, now, it’s been years).

I wish I had some magic words that would make it better but, sadly there aren’t any.

My advice (well actually this is from my therapist but I’m claiming it for myself) focus on YOU for now. Not on what happened to you but what you need to get through each minute, each hour, each day. Identify your needs and find a way to achieve them…. That’s about all I’ve got to offer, except I’m so sorry you’re new here, too. (Hugs)

Sparkle

I too am a firm believer in truth, facts, and transparency. The trouble with long term affairs and affairs from the past (I dealt with both) is that there is no way for us to know everything, and there's no way for them to recall everything. Most people don't have a perfect memory, and even if they did, recounting every detail would take far too much time.

I once received the following sage advice: every time you have a question or a doubt about what happened, just assume the worst possible answer (worst from your perspective), then process how that makes you feel. React as if the worst case is the truth, and move forward from there.

If you are determined to stay with your wife and you want any semblance of a happy marriage with her, you have to stop thinking of her as a liar - a very loaded word. You say that you love her, but nobody can carry that label and feel loved. It's not much better than having a scarlet letter pinned to her clothes. The label isn't serving you, either, low tide. It will keep you trapped in a cycle of resentment and despair.

You seem to relish your pain at some level - maybe dig into why that is. What comfort are you deriving from having this unhealed wound? If you believe she is untrustworthy, then stop trying to trust her. If you believe she is incapable of honesty, then stop expecting her to be truthful. Accept that the tiger cannot change its stripes. Accept that you have chosen to love and live with a tiger, and sometimes it will purr and snuggle, and other times it will hurt you, because that is its nature. That doesn't make the tiger cruel or evil. It's just a tiger.

And similarly, at this point, your wife is who she is. If you are determined to love her, then love the person she is, not the person you want her to be.

SparkleDust. I'm sorry to hear that you, too, are new here and are experiencing similar feelings. Focusing more on myself and being the best version of me, rather than what happened, has indeed been helpful. However, I'm still struggling with intrusive thoughts and rumination. I have been using some of the tools others have shared with me here, such as the sand in the hourglass, and it's helping to some degree. I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and will explore these repetitive thoughts with him. I recognize that this is a journey toward healing, and that it is not going to be a linear process

NoThanksForThe Memories. Thank you for sharing with me. I have tried to assume the worst, in a sense, flooding, showing myself that I can handle anything. I agree that focusing on her being a liar is unhealthy and maladaptive for both of us. Instead, I have chosen to be transparent with her and share my feelings of ongoing discomfort and pain. I am also asking that she be transparent with me and honestly disclose more of her story as we move ahead. It's what I don't know that hurts the most, not what I do know.

The thoughts that run through my head because I don't know the truth about her over 12 years of infidelity continue to haunt me. I won't identify them here as I respectfully don't want to trigger others. However, I do know that I am deeply in love with my wife, my best friend since I was 17 and she was 15, and that we are not defined by what happened, but by how we choose to deal with it. Because I now have all of you, I feel that I am no longer alone, and this is helping me to feel safe

To whoever created SI, thank you. And to those who have responded to this thread, know how much I appreciate your wisdom and guidance.

Instead, I have chosen to be transparent with her and share my feelings of ongoing discomfort and pain.

Are you using that to try to manipulate her into giving you what you want? Or are you sharing your discomfort and pain with her in the same way you would if you were sharing it with a friend?

HouseOfPlane. Good question. I'm not trying to manipulate her. If I'm constantly thinking about what may have happened, I want her to understand where my 50-mile stare is coming from. And if she can fill in the gaps with some realities from the past that remain unresolved in me, I need her to do that to help me today. Transparency, after being trickled to death.

Apologies if this has already been asked.

What is your game plan if this is it? If she sticks to this version of her story? It’s been 25 years of you agonizing over this. This is certainly no way to live nor should you.

Is your love for her greater than your love for yourself and your mental well being?

No "game plan." My need to understand what happened in my life that has left me broken.

I am also asking that she be transparent with me and honestly disclose more of her story as we move ahead.

What if she can't? Literally, what if she isn't capable of disclosing any more than she has? My memories of things that happened 20-30 years ago are extremely vague. I know I went for a celebratory dinner after my college graduation. No idea what I ate. I know my first car was a green Honda Civic. No idea what I paid for it.

What did I wear on my 30th birthday? What happened on the first Mother's Day after I became a mother? When did I get my first job promotion? I literally cannot answer any of these questions. The only things I know for sure are what's written in my journal.

It's what I don't know that hurts the most, not what I do know.

low tide, can you list some of the questions you have? What is it that you don't know that's tormenting you so much? Don't worry about triggering us - we are here to carry each other through that.

Thanks for your inquiry, NoThanksForTheMemories.

Our situation was different than most. We were high school sweethearts who were never with anyone but each other—something I thought that we both prized. Unfortunately, weeks before our wedding day, my wife became involved with another man from work. "Slept" with him and continued to be with him intimately for at least two years—and in touch for the next 10, sending loving emails. To this day, she claims the only places she saw him were at work, "flirting," and at his apartment. I'll never believe that.

It was at this time that I came upon an email. My wife immediately contacted him and told him that they would have no further contact—in my presence. Something I have a hard time accepting, and I believe, appropriately so.

I have asked my wife over the past 25 years to share her "story" with me. And that's where the lies began. Every time she told me something, it was grossly inconsistent with what she said previously. As I have learned, I was "trickled to death."

Today, my wife shows me all the attention and love I can ask for. But this doesn't stop the daily intrusive recollections and rumination. This is my mind's attempt to fill in the inconsistent and untold events, and to make sense of the senseless.

This has not just been a thorn in my side. I tried to end my life 8 years ago due to the enormity of pain I was experiencing and the wrong cocktail of drugs that were prescribed by my then psychiatrist. It was not a suicidal gesture. It was a genuine attempt to end my life, and to this day, a part of me wishes I had. I was told I coded several times—I feel like I failed at that—and failed at being who she needed on the day of our wedding, and for at least a decade thereafter. Today, I live with chronic anxiety, obsessions, and on-and-off major depressive episodes.

I want everyone here to know how fortunate I feel to have you. Rather than beating my wife up with daily inquiries, I am turning to you. People who have walked a similar path. Please don't judge me. It honestly hurts more than it helps. Instead, please guide me as I try to find happiness. I welcome and appreciate your help.