SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ive never reached out to this forum but have found it really helpful so thank you to everyone. I guess I'm just saying, I really thought I was ok but have realised I'm a total mess. My partner of 14 years told me end of Feb completely out of the blue that she had cheated on me last November, twice with the same man. And then she just left that morning and never came back. I still can't get my head around what happened. Whatever about leaving me if she wasn't happy but it was just such a devastating blow and something that is going to take me a long time to get over. Unfortunately I've been leaning on the booze to get me through so that needs to stop. Thanks for listening. Its really hard.

Yes, recovering from being betrayed is difficult in any case. I'm sorry your partner betrayed you and left with no explanation. Remember: she did both on her own, because of her own issues, not because of anything your did or didn't do.

Are you still in contact with her?

Do you need help stopping your alcohol intake? (It's not necessarily forever, but right now you need to be at your best, and alcohol limits your ability to think and feel.) If you're drinking too much as a way to avoid the feelings that come with being betrayed. I can't help believing that the quickest way through those feelings is to let them flow. If you avoid them, you'll stuff them somewhere in your body, and they'll come out eventually.

What are you doing to heal? Friends? IC? Pastor/priest?

You can heal from this. You can survive and thrive. Have faith in your ability to recover.

Cut out the booze. Instead exercise…in moderation. It’s too hot for more than that. Make yourself eat. Get out and find something to do. You were abandoned. The grief is an automatic reaction and you really can’t get past it. You have to go through it. It

Thanks for replying to me, you have no idea how much that means to me right now so thanks again. Yeah I've realised that I've been numbing myself with alcohol so I'm going to stop drinking until I feel I have a better handle on things. I was 5 days there with no booze and just couldn't stop crying so I guess I need to face the feelings

I'm in touch with her and we message every so often. She was diagnosed last year with MS so we have had a couple of very tough years. She is full of regret about how she told me and treated me but that doesn't really change anything for me, actually makes me feel worse as weirdly I dont want her to be upset as I guess I still love her

But thank you so much, your message really meant the world to me right now. I have a good support network of friends but I find myself alone a lot. Unfortunately I've no family support which makes it a little harder as I was very close with her family

@ Cooley2here - thank you

Both your comments are really helpful and I really appreciate the support - thanks so much

Sorry that you find yourself here. Candidly, booze is not going to do anything to help this situation and I would urge you to give it up and find some other outlets. Exercise is a good outlet to help you de-stress, take your mind of the situation and the other benefits of exercise come to both mind and body. Rather than drown out your feelings with booze, use natural post-workout endorphins to help boost your mood.

Have you consulted with a therapist so that you can get some counseling? What you have gone through is a tremendous trauma and honestly, no one should try and go it alone. I think infidelity and dealing with in my life has made me a theraphy-evangelist in the sense that everyone should talk a therapist, because I've kept up with my therapist and it has been tremendously helpful in dealing with other things from my past and present. For example, my wife and I have been in a reconciliation mode for almost 3 years now, but last December I had a major betrayal by someone who I considered a friend, a longtime mentor and unfortunately also my boss. I was a wreck for a couple of weeks and I reached out to my therapist and he really helped me to reframe my thinking and my own internal narrative and it has really helped me to recover from that event and I'm in the process of getting a new job, thanks in part to his counsel.

She cheated on you and left you. If there are no children between you and no shared assets to divide like your home, we have a saying around here, no contact means no new hurts, and I would highly advise you take that under consideration. She kicked you out of her life and it is time for you to do the same with her. Take out your phone right now and block her phone number so that she can't call or text you any longer. Do the same with her email address, any social media accounts she could use to contact you, etc. I get the sense that she moved out of your home, but if she left anything behind or there are photos of the two of you or anything like that, love mementos, I would box that shit up and stuff in the the garage or the trash. I get it, you cannot shut off your feelings for someone in just a few months/weeks, especially after 14 years together, but you continue to allow her to be a source of pain your life. Her MS diagnosis is awful and you can be an empathetic person that she is suffering, but she fired you as a partner, so you are under zero obligation to expend any more energy supporting her in any way.

I guess my advice is to move on one step at a time. I give you tremendous credit, you self-reflected and came to the conclusion that you need help, because you were spiraling with booze it seems. All of us here are more than willing to help you and provide you support in this difficult time, but the reality is that only you can change your situation. Again, those of us who have been down this road are willing to support you and understand that the wisdom we share with you has been hard won through thousands of betrayed partners suffering and learning how to deal with their cheaters and the gruesome aftermath. No contact with her means she cannot keep hurting you and dragging you along. It is completely within your power to put an end to it and I truly think that move is the first step you can take on your healing journey.

I will wrap this up, but another quick anecdote from my past that doesn't involve infidelity. I started dating my first love/first serious girlfriend my sophomore year in high school. We split up a couple of times, but we did find our way back to each other a couple of times. We attended different colleges but we weren't far from each other (about 30 mins drive). I was on a track for med school and she was studying to be a elementary school teacher, so entering our junior year in college, I am still staring at years of school and she was student teaching, on track to finish school early, etc. We were at different places in our lives and she was putting pressure on me to get serious about marriage and starting a family. Simply put, for a number of reasons, I was not in a place that I could commit to being with her in that way, even though I loved her dearly. We split up over that and I guess for her, that was the last straw. Post split, we stayed in touch for a time, probably on the scale of days/weeks, but contact wasn't frequent enough for me to notice that she had blocked/ignored my messages and my calls were no longer even getting through, straight to voicemail. Years later, through her running into my mom and dad back in our hometown would I even get a glimpse into what happened. She had told my mom that she couldn't keep being hurt by me and so she had to cut me out of her life completely. At the time it happened I was upset, but looking back on it today, what she did took tremendous courage and guts to do, but it also was the exact right thing to do given how she loved me but she had to let me go because I was the source of her pain. Your partner is the source of your pain and while you may still love her, you have to let her go, because unfortunately, she has made it quite clear through her actions of leaving that she does not want to be with you. It is a tremendously tough pill to swallow, but one that must be swallowed.

@ Bor9455

Thank you so much for your support. I rather luckily (?) had engaged with a therapist many years ago and have an ongoing relationship with and he was the first person I called - he was actually completely dumbstruck when he heard what had happened as it was so out of nowhere. But I am lucky that I had done the work before hand if you get me? I spent a few weeks that I can't really remember clearly just packing up all her stuff and then asked her to come pick it all up. The photographs of us were the hardest things but I got rid of everything and redecorated the house. Its a rental and we have no kids so its been an easy split I guess.

I think you are right about no contact, anytime she contacts me I get really upset tbh. And now that I think about it, she has been manoeuvring to make it easy for herself when we deal with shared friends etc etc where I should actually just be focussing on me and just cut her out completely

Did she say why she was leaving? Was it because she was ashamed of her actions and couldn't face you? Or because she wanted a new life?

Mr man fella
I am very sorry to hear your story.
Being left by someone you love is devastating on all levels.
It leaves us with questions and self doubt. Every emotion you are feeling is normal. It is a normal human reaction-it’s actually your brain’s response to the betrayal and abandonment. So give yourself permission to feel every emotion and not feel guilty or ashamed.
A great book was recommended to me by SI members It’s called "journey from abandonment to healing" (i think that’s the title) by Susan Anderson.
It was incredibly helpful when my spouse of 27 years suddenly left for his AP.
The fact that you and your partner still keep in touch is interesting. Is she still with the AP? Why do you think she keeps in touch with you? Does she sound conflicted?

@ FunHouseMirror
When she left originally she was giving me space I think - but also left no answers. Was so bizarre. She fucked off to her parents house.

I spent a month reeling and trying to figure out if I could make it work as I presumed she wanted to try keep our relationship. I met her 4 weeks after she left and essentially she figured that she cheated because she wasn't happy in our relationship and there was too much to fix. Which completely shattered me again tbh. Like I didn't even have the opportunity to try make it work. I'm pretty sure I dont have the whole story but when she didn't even want to try make it work I stopped caring about the details as it was done. I still can't get my head around it as I was a good partner, not perfect but I don't know. like id understand if I was abusive or we were fighting all the time but we really weren't. It eats me up thinking about it

So sorry you're here MMF. You're not alone when it comes to being absolutely leveled by infidelity. You're in good company. To get through each day, each week, I journaled like crazy. I have notebooks filled with expletives and every emotion you can think of. Exercising was crucial. A good therapist, which took a few tries to find. Sounds like you've got one you can trust. I forced myself to get out and try new things. I got back to hobbies I used to do. Close friends that had my back was crucial. Sorry you don't have help from your family. I hope you can find the healthy support you need. Hang in there.

Then yes, block her for now. I suspect she will figure out a way to contact you, and you can talk then if you want. If she doesn't, then blocking her will be good for your own mental health.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. It does get better.

@ cedarwoods

Thank you for that - I'll look into that book, anything at all that helps

I think we stayed in touch as its taken a long time for it to really sink in and im only starting to get angry now. But I'm starting to realise its not good for me at all so im going to change that. Ive actually been telling people not to judge her, everyone makes mistakes! Which is total bullshit and I see that now but I guess my self esteem was at a low point and I didn't want to lose any more of my life...

@ DogGoneIt

Thank you so much

I've been so lucky to have my best pal and his wife looking after me. I'll never forget how good they have been to me, I love them so much with all my heart. They were also very upset about it so we have all been kind of healing together over wine and tears. I can't imagine how hard this would be if on my own with no support

[This message edited by MrManFella at 7:18 PM, Friday, July 28th]

"I met her 4 weeks after she left and essentially she figured that she cheated because she wasn't happy in our relationship and there was too much to fix."

This is pure wayward thinking and horse manure. See how she tries to rationalize her own infidelity and betrayal. Fact is she cheated because she wanted to do it. Period. She has a character flaw that allows her to justify the unjustifiable. Her behavior lacked integrity and honor. Don't ever blame yourself. She cheated for selfish reasons. Take care of you. No contact ever means no new hurts. Good luck

@ fareast

Thank you - I'm slowly coming to realise this, I think I was in self preservation mode just clinging on to anything at all as my life fell apart. You are so right, thank

MMF sorry to read this, like others said this is not your fault, this completely falls on her. You should give her the space she desires and go NC with her. Do not chase after her, that's the pick me dance and it never works. Something I heard long ago, "Rejection breeds Obsession" you need to fight against it and let her feel the rejection.

@ Tanner

Thanks - I think I'm ok with that - I definitely don't want her back in my life after everything she has put me and us through, I fully respect anyone that can make a relationship work after infidelity but I'm not sure if I would want that in this situation (plus I wasn't given the option). It would be very different if we had kids

I'm going to go NC and block her now, thanks for the advice

You’re right about alcohol, you need to stop until you recover emotionally to a point where you can take or leave it.

My mother is an alcoholic. She started when she learned of my Dad’s affair. It gutted her life. She turned a corner when aged about 70 (though still drinks). She was not herself for 30 years. She was not a good mother. She went from victim to villain in some ways. Think about how many hundreds of hours of lived negative experience are behind my statement - please don’t let yourself go that way. It’s no good.

Go to AA perhaps. My mother thought she knew better. She know’s better than that now - life is a hard teacher. The humility of at least sincerely engaging with the 12 steps is half the battle won. At least read about it. If you are not yet an alcoholic, and have few amends to make, for example, that’s all for the good.

When my turn came to be betrayed I was adamant I was not going down my mother’s path. So, oddly, she did shine a light for me there.

Famous last words, but I think I am not an addictive personality. Both my parents were. But even so, I would have a switch inside me which once turned on, can’t be turned off. I still drink but based on my whole experience, would stop it if I became concerned. And I watch myself, with my family background.

It’s nice to have my mother back, but she has suffered emotional and some mild cognitive damage from the drinking, stress and unhappiness over 35 odd years and that is starting to meet with age related decline. It’s sad. She is confused sometimes now, but it’s no longer a chaotic rage.

Don’t let that be your story.

Your best mate likes you for a reason.

My recommendation- nature, a sense of place, some kind of religious connection (could just be some kind of practice of altruism), exercise, meaningful work if still young, some kind of hobby or creative outlet, meet new people (however slowly), see new places, try new things. And no alcohol for a while.