SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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straightup

Yeah I am taking it really seriously as it really has become an issue and it can really ruin a life. I’m Irish too so I know it’s a cliche but we drink a lot here. Im actually looking forward to being sober for a few months and if I can’t do it by myself I’ll reach out for help. I really don’t want to fuck my life up

MMF, I am very sorry about what happened with your wife. It is a shock and very painful.

This is about her, while she may not have been happy with the marriage, she is certainly cowardly in her choices. And unfortunately, that is incredibly painful for you. Cheating is always about the cheater, this is no different.

Counselling will really help you. You need to take time to heal, and this is not necessarily a fast process. Counselling can be a huge help for you.

I hope you have stopped drinking, it, just delays facing the problem and probably makes it worse

Take care of yourself, talk to friends, get some exercise and outdoor time, eat healthy, and do something that you enjoy.

Take life one day at a time, you will be OK.

keep posting here, we get it.

I'm pretty sure I dont have the whole story

I’m 1000% sure you don’t. Now is the time watch actions instead of listen to words. The words lie, the actions don’t.

Totally agree with everyone on the alcohol, it’s the vortex.

Also on the exercising and activities. I will say that some activities like running or hiking would allow me to ruminate, which can be a negative if you spend an hour walk obsessing. Other activities can demand 100% of your attention, like rock climbing in a gym or riding a bike on a winding trail. These push those thoughts to the side and give you a Rumination Vacation. Pursue those.

Take a look at my profile, and the list of habits of survivors. You just got dropped into a jungle, it’s just an emotional one. But it is just as dire. You need to take positive actions, take control.

Sending strength!

@ Tallgirl and @ HouseofPlane

Thank you so much for your comments, it really does help. The analogy of being dropped in a jungle resonates with me. I'll make sure to reach out here more often and hopefully maybe I can help others down the line with my future experience. It really is helpful to have people who have experienced similar to talk to

[This message edited by MrManFella at 1:53 AM, Thursday, August 3rd]

I'm sorry you are here and that you had to meet all of us in this way. I am guessing that she is truly and wholly conflict-avoidant. This is a tough aversion to work through, even if you want to. Some people hold things in until they blow up - others just run away. I'm sorry that she ran, but that is a flaw of hers and really isn't any reflection on you, as difficult as that is to accept.

No contact can be tough, especially where that person has been your primary source of conversation for a long time. It is definitely easier said than done.

I know it sounds counter-intuitive but you can be glad she didn't stick around and make you think you had a chance at R when she had no intention of giving your relationship that chance. There are many stories on this site where BS have spent weeks, months, and sometimes years with a WS who really wanted to exit but got caught in an A and felt "trapped" and unable to leave even though they wanted to. It's miserable. Knowing where you stand, even if you know you stand alone, is better than holding the hand in trust of someone who is constantly thinking "run" for whatever reason.

6 years out from my d-day 1, I now fully realize that knowing the "why" of why my WH did what he did, and behaved the way he did after, isn't really all that important to MY grand scheme. What is important is working on what I will do with the rest of my time here. My WH didn't up and leave without explanation like yours - he lied and said we were okay when "we" were anything but, and then continued the A for another year after, lying to me everyday about why he allegedly did what he did (and all the while still doing it). Those lies have been the toughest thing for me to get past. But I indeed have. Life is good and life is sometimes really hard, but I know where I stand. You do too. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

You will be okay - lean on those around you and us when you need. We all get it here.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:36 AM, Thursday, August 3rd]

I just wanted to let you know our stories are not dissimilar. My STBXH told me about the affair and then I kicked him out/he left. He has since moved in with the AP who also left OBS.

I've learned in the 7 months is that, for me, the fear of the thing is worse than the thing. What I mean is that I'd rather be where I am, alone, then be with him waiting for him to have another A. With that said, I really do know the pain of your spouse not even caring enough to try and R. It hurts to be thrown out like that.

im only starting to get angry now. But I'm starting to realise its not good for me at all so im going to change that.

It's okay to be angry. Anger is an appropriate response to something like this. I think you should talk with your therapist about why you're defending her and not wanting to be angry.

BoA

the fear of the thing is worse than the thing.

Truth

One of the best nuggets I’ve ever heard is that all fear is of the future. So make your plans, then live in the present, one foot in front of the other.