SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are not pathetic, you are scared.

That seems to be the result of his manipulation over you, and he is so confident that he’s got you in his palm, that "life is great ".

You are even here questioning if you can justify in any way that isn’t too much self deception, hence a believable self lie, why he is consuming sex pills when is on trips away from you.

Basically he got you to gaslight yourself.

Your distress has roots in his manipulation.
You can’t break free from pain before you break free from his control.

confidence in myself to not be so afraid to make a wrong decision

happy, this jumped out at me. There is no "wrong" decision for you to make here. Talking to him about the pills isn't wrong. Going through his luggage isn't wrong. He's not entitled to privacy about his travel habits, not after he's cheated. Revealing your lack of trust should hurt him, not you! If he's a good person, he will take the opportunity to reassure you. If not, he'll get angry, defensive, or evasive.

Are you afraid he'll get angry at you? If he does, so what? Him being angry makes him a bad person in this situation, not you.

Are you afraid he'll leave you? That this will end your marriage? That is something you'll have to learn to make peace with. Divorce isn't the worst the thing in the world. Many people get divorced every day.

Are you afraid to be alone? Afraid that you'll be single forever? Again, not the worst thing in the world, and especially for older women, it can be a huge relief to be single.

That said, I know it can be difficult to confront someone. I hate arguments and confrontation, and I avoided both for a long time. Conflict stresses me out. Sometimes it's easier to just keep the peace, but unless the underlying problem is solved, you're just setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.

Thank you…
I’m afraid he will convince me he did nothing wrong. I don’t know if it’s solid proof. He gave it to someone (that does happen) he lost it, it was old so he threw it out. I must be mistaken That’s all I can come up with as reasons.
Wait..now as I’m typing this out, maybe I do have enough. None of that makes sense to me and I know what I saw.

Thank you…
I’m afraid he will convince me he did nothing wrong. I don’t know if it’s solid proof. He gave it to someone (that does happen) he lost it, it was old so he threw it out. I must be mistaken That’s all I can come up with as reasons.
Wait..now as I’m typing this out, maybe I do have enough. None of that makes sense to me and I know what I saw.

Good girl !💪

You are unmasking his bull even before you hear him saying! That’s breaking out the manipulative narrative of his clownness!

Yes nothing of that makes any sense, everything tells he is a pathological liar, the only way this weak manlet got away with his lies until know, is through his weaponizing your love against yourself.

(I know you might be my mom as my senior, but I’m rooting out for you to finally show him who is the boss and who should fear who. I am rooting hard for you)

Thank you…
I’m afraid he will convince me he did nothing wrong. I don’t know if it’s solid proof. He gave it to someone (that does happen) he lost it, it was old so he threw it out. I must be mistaken That’s all I can come up with as reasons.
Wait..now as I’m typing this out, maybe I do have enough. None of that makes sense to me and I know what I saw.

Of all of those potential excuses the main question remains. Why did he take them with him to begin with?

I guess the first question to be asked is why would he take it on a business trip in the first place? He doesn't need it on a business trip. I would go through his luggage just before he leaves and take the bottle out of there. He'll figure it out when he gets to his destination and then he will rack his brain trying to remember taking it out even though he swears it was in there before he left.

I would sitting on the couch with a drink in my hand as he walks through the front door and sees the bottle sitting on the coffee table. Then you can have the conversation that needs to be had. Living everyday in limbo is not living, it's existing. Life is meant to be lived, not just existed in

I guess the first question to be asked is why would he take it on a business trip in the first place? He doesn't need it on a business trip. I would go through his luggage just before he leaves and take the bottle out of there. He'll figure it out when he gets to his destination and then he will rack his brain trying to remember taking it out even though he swears it was in there before he left.

I would sitting on the couch with a drink in my hand as he walks through the front door and sees the bottle sitting on the coffee table. Then you can have the conversation that needs to be had. Living everyday in limbo is not living, it's existing. Life is meant to be lived, not just existed in

Actual good advice if you plan to confront without letting his gaslighting drag you into drama where he is comfortable lying to you.

"Why is the viagra out of your luggage? Was making sure the bag was empty / you hadn’t forgotten anything (if the bag was done) so I removed what you don’t need. Oh, you were looking for it? Is there’s something I need to know darling?"

Biggest middle finger to the ego of mr cheater ‘James Bond sipping champagne from a crystal flute’ fantasy persona, bringing him right in front of the mirror 🪞 where he can see he is actually ‘a circus 🤡 clown drinking stale piss from a plastic cup’.

There is no reason he would need to take them at all. And therein lies the issue.

You know him well enough that he will lie/cry/deny then deflect with a sprinkle of gaslighting & DARVO thrown in for good measure. He's got this down to a science. And knows exactly what soft spot(s) of yours to get you to either believe his dumb ass excuses, start to question your own reality, STFU about it all or a combination of all three.

BackfromtheStorm is right - you are not pathetic, you are scared.

And also gets a gold star for this gem:

Biggest middle finger to the ego of mr cheater ‘James Bond sipping champagne from a crystal flute’ fantasy persona, bringing him right in front of the mirror 🪞 where he can see he is actually ‘a circus 🤡 clown drinking stale piss from a plastic cup’.

Because the Mirror of Truth is a M***er F***er.

IMHO - get your ducks in a row before you do anything. Have a plan. Then...do what you think is right no matter how hard. He is not about to change - maybe get a bit more cagey, but not change one iota.

I agree that you are not pathetic, you are scared. The unknown is so scary and you've spent your life with him. But the bottom line is that you need a life filled with peace and you don't have that right now. I am new to this, but I've been learning the need for peace.

I'm not sure what the downside is to talking with him. You don't need to make any decisions based on what he says. You are gathering as much information as you can to evaluate what you want to do. You are not locked into anything even if he admits things.

Hugs to you. You are not alone.

You’re scared. Not crazy. Nor delusional. Nor weaker than he is.

Right now, you’re convinced he can talk his way out of anything. Why is that?

Gently……it’s because you fear the truth, you are very willing to "accept" whatever he says and shrink away from having to take action. It’s "easier" to deny and avoid facing his infidelity than having to make any decisions that alter your comfort level and situation right now.

It’s not weakness. Nope. It’s fear.

I personally do not think it’s "easier" to resort to denial and not face this head-on. I think that’s harder, actually. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to go through every day knowing you have a cheating partner and pretend that there’s nothing wrong, la-la-la-la. You have to have a lot of inner strength to keep telling yourself things are okay, stay calm, pretend you’re fine - when the truth is you are collapsing internally.

It’s like shouting to the world "I am fine!" while knowing your very cells are on fire.

So, no, you aren’t weak. I would venture you’re avoidant and fearful of changes you cannot predict if you confront this head-on.

The truth is, that’s a NORMAL response to this situation. Normal. Any person faced with this situation would have similar fears and thoughts.

One thing I need to clarify is that you are not searching for pills when you super-clean the house. He may have other things hidden. Other phones, tablets, notes, messages, diaries, prescriptions, bank statements, receipts, cards, letters, gifts…you don’t necessarily know what he has, because he is lying and gaslighting. If he is able to have an affair, he is capable of hiding and lying about many, many things.

You don’t really know until you look.

Also, it may pay off to do a google search on his emails and phone numbers. You may find things by doing that.

As for the pills you know are in the suitcase?

Oh Hell yes, I would remove them.

At least you guarantee he is going to have a "less fun time" without them.