SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Finish your vacation, keep the peace, get back home, start making arrangements to leave, then leave. You don't need to telegraph or warn him. You've already done that countless times and he flat out told you "I'm not reading that." How many times are you going to write letters he either won't read, or maybe reads then ignores it and refuses to address?

He's not going to change, and you can't change him. Things will only change if you change what you can, and that's yourself. I don't think he's ever going to acknowledge your pain and struggles. Right now it's your choice to remain in this loop.

I don't know you, but just from reading a few of your posts you seem to be very smart, articulate, caring, and conscientious. I think anyone would be lucky to find someone like you, and I think there's someone out there who will appreciate what you bring to the table. You're selling yourself short by settling for the treatment you're getting right now.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:05 PM, Wednesday, April 1st]

People communicate in different ways.
Have you tried asking him directly if he read the letter and what his response might be?

I am so sorry to hear this. You so desperately want connection. You are a person who lives secure connection. He is blatantly an "avoidant". Now I will say avoidants can change, but it will take work. He first needs to be introduced to the topic and understand that he is a avoidant. And you can help him through this of you really love him. But...and this is a big BUT....you MUST learn to set up proper boundaries to protect yourself.

Example, here is a potential way to handle your current situation.

"Jake, I wanted to mention that I have noticed you did not respond to me about my letter to you. I poured out my heart to you and have heard nothing from you in return. A relationship needs two people to take part in the relationship, not one. I am extremely hurt by the lack of response. Recently I have learned that you have what is called an "Avoidant" attachment style. I really cannot continue our relationship like this. I know of some resources to help you understand that avoidant characteristic and they can help you learn how to engage within a relationship to make it healthy. If you are interested in that, let me know. Until then, I really cannot continue a one sided relationship. As much as I want to be with you, I am going to need to take time for myself to heal our lack of connection. Please get in touch with me if you decide you want work on these issues in a tangible way."

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 5:08 PM, Wednesday, April 1st]

Hi Ghost! I am so sorry to see you here. It was really hard for me to read your account because I identify with your pain. I'm going through something similar.

Or I should say I've been going through what you are for 36 years. I recognize the cruelty, the lack of empathy, the latent (maybe not so latent) hostility.

So it was wonderful in the beginning and you're maybe a little in shock and confused when it seemed to change and you're waiting for him to be that guy he was in the beginning?

Is that it?

Run girl. You in danger girl.

Ghost, I understand well the desire to not rock the boat when things are going well, to repress your negative emotions and just enjoy the moment, don't make a scene, don't push him, etc.. I often tried to be compassionate, patient, and understanding in my marriage. I would raise issues when it was the "right time," when there was privacy and space to discuss things openly.

Unfortunately all of this comes at a personal cost. By repressing these negative thoughts for 3 weeks, you are now in a state of high internal anxiety about his lack of response to the letter. You need to flat out ask him if read it. If he says yes, ask him why he hasn't replied. If he says no, ask him why he isn't prioritizing it. Depending on his answers, you need to take appropriate actions in response.

Remember that boundaries are for our protection, not for inflicting punishment or consequences on the other person. It took me a while to really understand this and put it into practice. It's not easy to harden our hearts and do things to protect ourselves when we know it will hurt the other person. For some of us, it's easier to absorb the damage to ourselves, but that's not a healthy way to live.

I tend to be a conflict avoidant person, but I've learned to stand my ground. It takes courage. Don't be afraid to "spoil" the trip for him. You have some time off - perhaps this is the perfect time to hash out the reality of your future.