SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Meeting a colleague of my H’s for dinner last week. She arrived a few minutes before us and as soon as I saw her, I had to stop a second.

She looks very very much like his last OW.

I had to sit through an entire two hour dinner with this thought. She was a very nice person and I enjoyed meeting her, but just when you think you’ve moved on, there is something that just has to remind you of the affair.

I didn’t tell my H because there was no need to bring it up. He may not even realize there is a resemblance (strong resemblance lol) and would probably disagree.

Doubt there will be future dinners though.

"What are the odds?" This is a question I ask myself a lot. And so many times the answer is "apparently 100%."

The effects of trauma are long lasting, but it sounds like you handled yourself with grace. What more can we ask of ourselves?

How do you think he'd react if you did mention it?

I’m certain my H would say there was no resemblance. At all. He would believe it 100%.

That’s why it’s not worth mentioning.

My H is always saying that a person I might tell him "looks like so-and-so" is certainly NOT that person, to the point where I have to assume my "resemblance monitor" doesn't work as precisely as his does. It can be that I will see someone, male or female, that just really, really looks like another person I've known but then if I ask him to confirm it's so-and-so over there, he almost always says no, no resemblance! I don't know, just agreeing with you.

just when you think you’ve moved on, there is something that just has to remind you of the affair.

Yes ma'am . One of my goals was to face EVERY trigger and conquer it!! There were so many at first...but as I learned to beat them it became easier to do. I finally thought I had beaten ALL of them...but then little things started popping up periodically to let me know that triggers CAN and WILL show up at any moment .

I guess the difference now is that I am not as RAW as I was when the triggers happen. My limbic system is alerted but it doesn't instinctively react like before. To ME...that is a victory .

She was a very nice person and I enjoyed meeting her

This shows that your limbic system has been able to calm down as well...which is a HUGE victory for you too Dear Lady !!!

Will there be "work" dinners in the future? And how would you feel were he to say he was having a "work" dinner with her?

WB

The answer to your questions are hell no!

He is certainly not meeting her alone — ever!

Oh no its typical isn't it, i would be the same. Sorry this has happened and reared ugly anxiety over the past affair. (((Hugs))) xx

The1stWife

My first thought is your soul is still hurting from your spouses cheating.

I mean not the hurt that some of us feel years after but the hurt that is so close to that which tore your heart when it was happening - or close to that.

Try reading "The Body Keeps the Score" by Van der Kolk.

My turn in joining this 'happy crowd' was about 1986. Sometimes a 'trigger' happens and I stifle the tears of pain my heart feels.

Can't suggest any other action for you other than the eternal vigilance the loss of trust bestows upon us.

Hope you can stuff it out of sight somewhere and enjoy Christmas and New Year party!

So I asked my H tonight if the colleague reminded him of anyone. When I told him it was the OW he completely denied it. As expected.

However he was very concerned about me and said "no more future dinners" with her. So he gets it.

BTW I wasn’t upset or angry. It was just an observation. As I said the person was very nice and interesting and I had a good time. I actually thought it was kind of funny that after all these years it even came up. Again, what are the odds?

What are the odds? I'd say the odds are pretty high that every so often something will trigger a memory of the worst experiences you've ever had. It may be years between such events, but it's gonna happen. That's just life, you know?