SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As I understand it, the baseline of what is being suggested, for my consideration, is to leave the past where it belongs, on the dung hill of history. To see my wife as she is now not what she was then. (Which of course the same would go for me.) To live in this moment of time, not relive the story I tell myself. Correct?

Brother, this is why we are all here. You know, the site is called "surviving infidelity," but it's much more than that. It's also about learning to thrive after surviving infidelity.

However, how one goes about this amazing transformation is a little vague.

One word, dear sir: processing. Lots and lots of processing. I processed soooo much shit that I eventually ran out of shit to process. And then I processed that!

I'm closing in on seven thousand posts. For every post I've written I easily read several times as many. I've learned quite a lot about infidelity, how to survive it, how to recover and heal from it, and how to find peace beyond the shitstorm. What I never expected from this wonderful little community of ours was that I would learn more about myself than anything else.

I think you still have some processing left to do. And you're doing it, which is great. Keep at it!

How do I leave the emotional effects of my wife’s affair and remain here where other people’s stories bring my past into the current?

This is a very loaded question. I don't "leave the emotional effects of my wife’s affair." I've been able, more or less, to incorporate the emotional effects into who I am. I've healed enough, processed enough. Once upon a time, other people's stories could trigger me, sometimes retraumatize me. There were often threads about "pain shopping," how it effects us and how, if at all, it helps. It all comes down to that one word: processing.

And then, of course, in many ways, I've become desensitized to it all. I "see" individual people and their unique stories, but what stands out to me are the patterns in human nature and behavior. That allows me to remain somewhat detached, focusing on how to help them help themselves, you know?

It is a grace gift from you to me.

I'm just paying it forward, my friend.

Asterisk-

However, how one goes about this amazing transformation is a little vague. Probably because it varies greatly from one’s personality and beliefs systems to another.

The transformation isn’t especially amazing, it is just a matter of where we put our thoughts, where we choose to put our focus.

You already know how to process trauma — despite how powerful and unique the trauma of infidelity is, it has a path to heal, just like all other trauma.

You’ve experienced loss, family members, maybe friends — and for me, some fuzzy mammals (pups and cats who added so much joy along the way, who are all missed. Financial trauma or job loss, friends who ghost us, etc. A whole bunch of stuff goes wrong for us.

My grandfather was my hero, I miss him more than say, my step-dad or other grandparents and uncles I’ve lost.

I miss him every single day. I also find comfort in all the good he did for me and I try to live up to the standards he set for himself.

But that grief doesn’t own me.

I processed that pain and I celebrate the good he brought to my existence.

I miss the sense of innocence my M had, the me and my wife against the world, the undefeated team-up we had built.

But that grief doesn’t own me.

I processed that pain and I celebrate the life we have built together since choosing each other (again).

The one thing that never works with grief is trying to bury it.

I think maybe that’s why you’re here, and why it seems like a mountain of pain you haven’t fully conquered.

It is trauma and grief, and it has to be felt and processed, which is what you are doing today. That’s another good thing.

No amazing transformation, I spent two years in shock, two years of full on clinical depression and a couple extra years of mourning what my M was.

The words of wisdom I hang on to, the ones that kept me focused, I got here on SI.

"We tend to get the life we aim for."

Same with the M, same with rumination, same with everything.

I aimed for better days. I aimed for a focus on the good stuff.

When I see my wife in the morning, I don’t see a perfect person, I see all of her — good and bad, kind and silly, and appreciate all she did to be a better partner. It takes practice to focus on the good and not get trapped in the past.

When I show up, there are triggers and reminders of my old pain on every page. I’m not magically transformed, I just understand what people are going through and it is worth the trigger if anyone ever gets helped a little by my experience.

How does rehashing the past one thousand times a month (depending on how fast your brain is) help you today? If it isn’t helpful, I wouldn’t keep chasing after those thoughts. Pick a new one, build a new pattern of thoughts.

If I get hit with a bad memory, I focus on a good one or I think about the most recent laugh I shared with my wife.

Living in the now isn’t a bumper sticker or a belief system, it is a matter of where you focus your thoughts.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 9:33 PM, Monday, October 27th]

How do I leave the emotional effects of my wife’s affair and remain here where other people’s stories bring my past into the current? What is the filtering process that allows their hurts that does not reignite your pain?

Good question. This place can absolutely suck you back into the pain, unfortunately.

The real question is, how do you distance yourself from the emotional effects of your wife’s affair? Period.

Along with all the rationalizing ways to reason a path out of it, there are also some fairly simple therapies that can put some distance between the emotion and the memory. The theory behind all of them is based on memory reconsolidation. EMDR is of this ilk.

One in particular is called "free spotting". Super easy to try, can be done while alone, it takes five minutes, and it seems to work. Kind of bizarre, frankly.

Open YouTube and search on " "FreeSpotting " an emotional self help technique you have never heard of:" to see a short demo that you can jump in on. A therapist named Clint Methany does the demo.

You need to think about the thing that bothers you, so not for the worst trauma, but if you find yourself ruminating anyway, might as well give it a shot.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:41 AM, Tuesday, October 28th]