SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Before my wife’s affair I saw her qualities as a perfectly interwoven blend of sweetness, kindness, thoughtfulness, and gentleness. A lovely, beautiful, spiritual woman who would go out of her way not to hurt anyone, especially me, her stated, last love.

What my then 19-year-old, love-struck eyes were unable to see was that the blend was dogmas forcibly braided into her personality by external forces so tight it was silently crushing her spirit. This unnatural blend created in her deeply hidden, errant frays desperately wanting to break free. 15 years into the marriage, she rebelled, and I and she paid the price. The outside influencers walked away unphased.

Decades, post affair, my love filtered perception of her perfection was forever altered. I will never see her in the same light. For the better, I’d argue, for I am now able see her realistically, frays and all and I love and respect her more deeply, but that took many decades of internal and external soul searching.

But back then, and still at times now, I was and am deeply wounded by her betrayal for though there are reasons one can point to, there is no excuse, for there were better, less destructive, mature choices she could have made.

Over the months and years as the shock began to wane supplying me with a new view of her a legitimate question ascended from the smoldering ashes. One I never considered I’d have reason to be weighing - do I stay, or do I go?

In my opinion, there is no wrong answer to the painful question above. I also believe that neither choice affords the betrayed, nor the betrayer as well, an easy, painless path forward. The unraveling of all things that was, has occurred, the interlace union undone. No matter the road traveled, restructuring will be a daunting task. A reweave of one’s shredded life. Whether alone or reunited, picking up the tattered threads of one’s soul will take an unfathomable number of circular ticks of the clock to come out of this firestorm restored. Make no mistake, for better or worse, one will not be the same individual one once was.

I hear you, Asterisk. I too am forever changed.

There is no clear answer in some situations.

I think the question boils down to are you better off with it without your spouse?

Thank you @NoThanksForTheMemories for letting me know that you "hear me". Far too often, those who have been betrayed feel forced into an extremely lonely, silent-ed space. This site is the 1st time in over 3 decades that I have had a place to expose my inner struggles. Thanks to everyone who is here and I’m deeply sorry that anyone of you have reason to be here. (This includes the Waywards who have taken the risk to be here.)

I agree with you @The 1st Wife there is no clear answer and your question "are you better off with it or without your spouse" is the BIG question. Unfortunately, supported by many people’s personal journey’s expressed here into this mirky world of infidelity expressed here, is that many won’t know until they have invested many years into reconciliation if they wasted, or not, their precious time and inner self-worth attempting to stay with their wayward spouse. I don’t need to convince anyone that reconciliation, or not, is a tough and, if one is not careful, bitter effort.

In my case, having what my wife and I share together now, though nothing like where we thought we were headed, was worth the pain some of which I still harbor. However, knowing what I know now, the vast amount of time it took to rid myself of the extraordinary length and depth of time and pain to get here, I might have chosen divorce. And yet, when I made my vow, "for better or worse" I meant it. Thank you The1stWife for adding your thoughts.