SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

I’m about a month past D-Day and still processing. I discovered my spouse has been living a double life for almost a decade - stretching from our dating years, through engagement, marriage, and even after kids. I found out while paying a family vacation with her phone.

We started dating in 2013, engaged in 2016, married in 2018. Children in 2020/2022. Long term affair started 2015, sadly no phase in life was significant enough to change its course.

Timeline (short version):
Early relationship: Physical/emotional affair began with long term AP. Repeated sexual encounters and "I love you"s.

Engagement:
AP moved away, affair shifted online and she traveled multiple times to spend nights with AP

Marriage:
Affair remained online. (I have my doubts it was only online, no proof)

After kids: Contact resumed. Messaging, secret accounts, and traveling for in-person meetings in hotel - using visiting family as an excuse.

Most recent: Expanded beyond the long-term partner to multiple new online affairs, explicit chats/videos, even financial exchanges.

When confronted, she trickle-truthed, deleted evidence, broke no-contact by immediately warning the affair partner, and tried to downplay the long-term AP. I eventually dug and uncovered the truth myself. AP is also married. I found and saved years worth of evidence (written, messages, calls, videos, pictures, dates, and alll), just in case she pushes back on divorce.

The Arrangement
Asked me to get a vasectomy and following years she pressured me to agree to an "arrangement" due to her lack of intimacy with me. She blamed childhood trauma and said she couldn’t connect emotionally or physically. I resisted, but eventually gave in out of guilt, thinking it might relieve some of the strain.

We agreed on strict rules: no emotional entanglement, complete honesty, full transparency. I kept to those rules. Meanwhile, she used it as cover, trying to shift blame by saying her online affairs "started because of it," when in reality she had already resumed her decade-long affair and was planning to continue. She voiced having a college friend that she would want to "hook up" with after arrangement started, but I was firm that's not okay due to arrangement being suggested by her due to lack of intimacy due to trauma, not to fully open the marriage.

I regret ever agreeing - but it was done openly, not secretly. What I’ve since realized is that her intimacy wasn’t "shut down" from trauma - it was just shut down with me. I've struggled with thoughts of this being her plan all along, I get a vasectomy, suggesting an arrangement, and somehow include long term AP (as a gotcha)to prevent me from ever finding out the truth.

Where I Stand
She says she "loves me" and wants to work it out. But only 3 weeks after discovery, she downloaded dating apps and messaged men to "hang out." She moved out of the home and living in an apartment. I cried when she left, not because I wanted her to stay, but grieving the life and future I thought we were building together.

I feel like the entire marriage was built on lies.

Even if I wanted reconciliation, I’d never feel safe - it would be a life of anxiety.

Divorce feels like the only rational path.

Truly, I feel like something "broke" inside me on D-day and I am not able to see her the same. I love her, the whole relationship was real to me. Struggling to process that aspect, but therapy helps.

That said, I promised myself not to make a purely emotional decision. I’m giving myself 3 months of therapy from discovery before filing - to make sure my choice comes from a place of clarity, not just pain.

What I’m Asking

For those who’ve been through long-term double life affairs and blame-shifting:

Has reconciliation ever worked after something this deep?

If you divorced, how did you cope with the grief of losing daily time with your kids?

How did you find clarity when one part of you searched for excuses to stay, but the other knew you had to go?

After Divorce, does experiencing this level of meticulous deception ruin future relationships and ability to love/trust unconditionally? (I don't even trust myself at this point)

Right now, my focus is on my kids, healing, and building a future I can live with. But I need insight from people who’ve lived through this kind of betrayal. This whole ordeal feels like a sick joke. I truly believed she was my soul mate and aside from intimacy, we had an amazing marriage. I'm still impressed and fearful of her ability to live two completely separate lives.

I love her, the whole relationship was real to me.

Yes, it was real to you, but the woman you loved never existed. It’s critical you see that you love(d) the facade she presented to you, but now I hope you can discern that your marriage was never what you thought it was, and the woman you thought you knew is actually a complete stranger to you.

But only 3 weeks after discovery, she downloaded dating apps and messaged men to "hang out."

You have nothing to work with here. Some on this site may tell you reconciliation merely involves you both choosing to, implying you’ll live happily ever after, and you can be fully healed in as little as 1 year (no way). That some have recovered from worse. What’s not often shared is the absolute colossal effort that entails, and one that most likely lasts a lifetime. The odds are so stacked against you living happily with this woman who’s deceived you for so long in the worst way.

I know it’s possible for some to recover a marriage after adultery. In your case, my honest opinion is that divorce is your shortest time to getting as healed as you can be. It’s great you’re in individual therapy. Whatever you do, do NOT start marriage counseling.

Keep posting. Wish you the best.

GL, there are people who live on the surface of life. There is no there there. They are good at presenting the facade but the hollowness is just under the surface. You cannot love her into being a compete person. That ship sailed years ago.
You are grieving because she was perfect in the role. This tears apart your entire sense of realty.

I hope you figure out how to parent with her. I suggest a therapist who is trained in this kind of trauma. You will need to learn how to use apps to communicate. Because you have children you will have contact. If you can use a family member or friend for pick up do it.

I hate to bring this up but you need to do paternity test on your kids.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're dealing with infidelity. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members read. There are also some good posts that aren't pinned, but you can find them by the bull's eye icon they have. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a few threads that you may find helpful.

While her words may be "I want to work this out" her actions aren't really matching what she's saying.

I'm glad you're going to therapy. If you're having problems with depression, anxiety or sleep, talk with your doctor if you feel meds may help you in the short term.

I feel like the entire marriage was built on lies.

It was sadly.

Unfortunately my view is that Divorce is your only option unless you choose to remain married to a lying no morals serial cheater. I’m sorry to be harsh but after reading your initial post, I am horrified as to what she put you through.

When your sadness turns to anger you will be able to feel that D really is your best option.

Visit a few attorney's in your area to find out what D looks like for you. You need that information and knowledge to Move forward.

I have a good friend who was in your exact same position. You need to be prepared for the fight of your life when you tell the STBXW (soon to be ex wife) of your intentions. The lying cheating spouse became unhinged and refused to admit any wrongdoing AND refused to settle for years. Rejected every settlement offer made until done raking the betrayed spouse over the coals. And it was years of abuse from the serial cheater spouse.

I’m hoping your situation doesn’t get this ugly but you need to be prepared. When people lose control and can’t get what they want, their reactions are unpredictable.

Although kids can be a great incentive to try your best to reconcile a marriage I think kids alone are a terrible reason to remain in a marriage.

I have a colleague who is a single dad. In the line of work we are in, he can work extended hours the weeks he doesn’t have the kids and take time off or work shorter hours the weeks he has the kids. He said that he felt that – if anything – he was spending MORE time with the kids after the divorce, because the time spent was more quality time. On a normal day, he would have been the first leaving for work, coming home late afternoon, maybe spent some time with the kids before bed. Now he sent them off to school before doing some work and generally was home at about the same time they came home.
I guess he’s focusing more on quality than quantity.

Irrespective of R or D here are a couple of practical suggestions:
Get tested for STI’s.
Do you have any reason to question the kids biological parentage? You can quite easily send a swab to those DNA sites. Irrespective of how your emotions as a dad might be (and will remain) then if there is any doubt in your mind I would get an answer on that issue simply to ease those doubts.

I’ll answer what I think is your most important question.
You are married to a sick, devious person. Fortunately ones this bad are few and far between. Once you understand and believe that, you will be able to find love and trust it again.

Give all your evidence to the OBS.

GreenLantern25, I haven't been through anything like you have, thank God. I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare, I wish I could do more than just be words on a page. But maybe this helps somewhat and I hope everyone here does. There's a lot of collective wisdom born out of pain on this whole site, and people do care about you. You'll always have support here.

Down to nuts and bolts.....I don't think this is recoverable. I really do think the only answer is divorce. You never had a real marriage in the first place. She's always had another relationship(s) and she pressured you into the great mistake of open marriage, which is almost always a mistake and a cover for the one spouse who really doesn't want the full commitment of marriage. People like this want to be married AND single - you can't have both. They want the security and trappings of marriage so they find a convenient partner for that, but they want the freedom and fun and pleasure of being single, which they seek privately on their own. Even within the arrangement you worked out, she never abided by those boundaries, they almost never do. It's always a cover story for them to do what they want with other people.....while you sit at home doing the spouse role. So I don't think you can have a genuine marriage with this person because you never did from Day 1, she had no intention of ever having a real marriage.....she used you. She WILL continue to lie and use you if you let her. Someone with these ideas won't change....I don't know if she can but it would be like getting a whole new brain and personality. It's not going to work. No matter what she promises to you in hopes of keep her arrangement - the REAL arrangement is the MARRIAGE. I think you need to cut your loses, don't waste time in recon. DON'T waste time in recon and don't listen to anything she says....don't fight with her, this is the way she is, it will do no good, just DISENGAGE. There are techniques like grey rock, 180, and so forth that I think are described on the site, but don't engage with her, don't fight with her, don't try to salvage the marriage. THERE IS NO MARRIAGE, THERE NEVER WAS. A BS on another site calls this a "mirage" and I agree. Your wife was using you, it's what she does, it's her nature. You won't change this, so don't try. Just free yourself.

If I were you, I'd go to a lawyer and work out the details for divorce on your own, at this point, and listen to what he or she says. Get evidence if it would be useful in your case - perhaps it would be useful in custody arrangements. You should definitely have more than her but that may not be the way things are done - your best bet is a good lawyer. If getting evidence is advisable and would help, collect the evidence and use a PI if it benefits you. But don't discuss any of this with her. She's an open enemy now that you've discovered what she's really like. The key is to disengage and keep counsel to yourself. Don't go to any counseling or any bullshit like that. Just accept that THIS IS THE WAY SHE IS AND HAS BEEN FROM THE START. She used you.

One of the worst things in this horrible story of how she abused you - and her kids - with this behavior is the vasectomy. That she would urge you under false pretenses to do this. I really don't like your wife from what you've told us here. Not a good person. I believe in some circumstances, maybe it's not hard, I think you can get a vasectomy reversed if you should want other kids in the future in a real marriage.

Again....don't waste time, energy and emotions in any recon attempts, just be as pleasant and non-committal and disengaged with her as you can. Spend as little time with her directly as you can. SPEND YOUR TIME WITH AN ATTORNEY AND WITH YOUR KIDS.
YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS as awful as it is, but I think the first step is to accept the reality of what she is and what she is like in marriage. She's NOT marriage material and she deceived and abused you grossly and it's time for it to end.

One of the ways I try to think of situations, once the initial shock and/or anger has worn off a bit is to consider that the person involved is like another species. They are what they are, but we are NOT the same. A dog is a dog, a giraffe is a giraffe, a lizard is a lizard, a fly is a fly.....they're all different and once we recognize that, we can't expect them to act the same way. They will act according to their nature. Your wife does not have normal ideas, expectations, desires, roles, about marriage. Not like you or I or even most normal cheaters. Most people are NOT like her. I think as others have said here, she lives on the surface and things are a facade. That's why I say don't bother having discussions or fights or trying to understand or anything like that.....just accept that she is 180 degrees different from you, she knew all she was going in and was actively committed to deceiving you for years. There really is nothing to work with here. She's another species.

Like Bigger says, do get tested for STI's and you may or may not want to get your children DNA tested. Unfortunately this does happen and I've seen it in my own family. I think it's best if you only communicate your ideas and needs with your lawyer and a therapist, and engage as minimally as possible with her. Make your plans without her and then involve her as needed at the end. Be prepared for almost anything as you really don't know what she's like but I think the more you commit yourself mentally to this being over, the easier it will be for you to handle. Don't engage in what ifs and maybes....this IS what she is like, you're seeing her as she really is without the smoke and mirrors, probably for the first time. She's not going to change, IMO. When you do get to settlement time of anything, always have it in writing and do not believe anything she tells you. It has to be committed to legally in writing. She cannot be trusted. I think she just reached a point where she was sick of keeping up the facade and just dropped the game probably because she figured she had you completely under control by this point. Time to break out of this trap she created. Your kids will be fine with a good Dad who loves them - I feel that you are a good Dad. You just have to re-arrange this situation so it's basically you and the kids, and not you and her. And going forward - yes, your wife is unusual, most people would never engage in a deception like this from the beginning, affairs are usually individual things that are more contained, although there are some serial cheaters of course. She seems an extraordinary case to me.

GreenLantern25,
Your story is heartbreaking, and I’m so sorry you’re enduring this betrayal. A decade-long double life, starting before your marriage and continuing through your kids’ births, is a profound violation. Her blame-shifting and immediate return to dating apps post-D-Day show a lack of genuine remorse, making reconciliation highly unlikely. The "arrangement" was a manipulative cover for her ongoing affairs, not a solution to trauma—her intimacy was never shut down, just redirected. You’re right to see divorce as the rational path; this marriage was built on deception, and her actions scream disregard for you and your family.
Reconciliation after such a meticulous, long-term deception is rare and requires extraordinary effort from a truly remorseful spouse. From what you’ve shared, she’s not showing the accountability or transparency needed—downloading dating apps three weeks after D-Day is a slap in the face. Those who’ve reconciled often cite years of consistent, humble work from the wayward spouse, not trickle-truth and defensiveness. Your instinct that you’d live in anxiety is spot-on; trust would be near impossible.
Grieving the loss of daily time with your kids is brutal but manageable. Many here, like Bigger’s colleague, find divorce allows for deeper, quality time with kids through focused co-parenting. Apps like OurFamilyWizard can streamline communication with your ex, keeping it civil and kid-focused. Therapy, as you’re doing, helps process the grief—lean into it and consider a trauma-specialized therapist to navigate the betrayal’s impact. Paternity testing, as others suggested, might bring peace of mind, especially given her history.
Finding clarity comes from separating your heart’s hope from your head’s reality. Journaling helped me: write down what you deserve (honesty, respect) versus what she’s shown (lies, manipulation). Your three-month plan is wise—use it to consult multiple attorneys to understand your options, especially custody and finances. Gather all evidence for leverage, and notify the long-term AP’s spouse with proof—they deserve to know. A PI could uncover more if needed, but your existing evidence sounds solid.
This betrayal doesn’t have to ruin future love. Her deception is extreme, not the norm—most people aren’t this duplicitous. Therapy will help rebuild trust in yourself, and SI’s stories show many find healthier relationships post-divorce. Focus on your kids, your healing, and a future free from her lies. You’re not alone, and you’re stronger than this pain. Keep posting—we’re here.