SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Although i have had more d days and trickle truth than

I can count from I am posting in just found out because it feels like my husband dropped a bomb in my life by confessing something I had no inkling of.

I knew something wasn't right for years. I had so many d-days: 2002 Or 2004 (dating sites, rugswept) 2010 ( dating sites from 2007/8, rugswept) 2014-2016 ( activity 2011-14. memberships and messages on hookup sites, meeting a woman for private hike, phone call with a woman from dating/ hookup site). Profiles on 20+ sites including 4 on ashley madison, Messages and emails trying to arrange meetings for sex which I don't believe happened, creating a social circle without me. Not wearing his wedding ring, allowing a woman to get too close to him), 2024-2025 ( meeting for a friendly coffee privately 4 times with a women he vaguely knows and hiding it, messages with women on all kinds of social media, evidence of attempts at video calls, ) plus he has a long history of commenting on women's looks on social mecia and in messages while he never ever complimenting me. None of this was actually physical cheating but infidelity to me nonetheless. We "reconciled" and what I thought was healed from 2015 to 2018 and thought we were past it. It looks like the activity began again in 2023 . after I nearly died and was disabled until Dec 2024 , He was my loving caretaker.

He had never sexted or been vulgar that I have found ( and I've found a lot) BUT 3 months ago I found a video of a sexual encounter between him and a naked woman where she convinced him to show her his penis . That was a line crossed for me. I don't care if it was on video. It was sexual activity with another woman. Turnd out she was sexorting him. Duh cause what 20 yeat old wants to have video sex with a 70 year old man? Thank God she stopped it to sextort him before he came, I'm not sure if I could overcome that visual. Cause he now admits he would have orgasmed with her. And even though our life could have been destroyed. he was still open to getting on calls, 6 months later HE tried to initiate a video call with someone he had been chatting with on Facebook right after he told her she was attractive.

So after the latest d day we have had intense communication. Like never before and then 2 days ago my husband dropped a bomb on me. He confessed to addictive (but not compulsive ) porn use anywhere from 3 times a week to daily going back at least 25 years maybe more. we've been together for 39 years. Now I know that some people don't consider porn cheating, but when he is choosing to hide it all and masturbate this often to porn and we go months and months without having sex that is cheating. He has chosen fantasy sex over sex with me. He admits he was becoming "numb" and knew it was emotionless and he wanted any kind of connection. This explains why he agreed to an interactive encounter. He said he must have been thinking it was just like porn ( this is before I knew about his porn use). I disagreed. If you think it's inappropriate to do this behaviour, it would be the same whether it were in person or on video. He is devastated to have to come face to face with his behaviour. I have pushed and pushed him to confront it for what it is. He is devastated at hurting me and himself and deeply remorseful.

This explains so much of his behaviour that I caught. Dating sites. Hookup sites, reaching out to other women for hookups, which I am pretty certain never happened, mildly inappropriate conversations with women on Facebook. Kinda dates which he didn't see as dates but innapropriate to go for coffee or a hike ( he doesnt hike)with other women and hide it from me. Create a social life without me and not wear a wedding ring. Instagram, Google chat, telegram Whatsapp. Some leading to try to connect on phone or video - he at first says he was led down a rabbit hole by bots . But he didnt know they were bots and allowed it and some conversations are clear he sometimes initiated it. To be

To Be fair many times he ended convos when they turned sexual. All of this is innapropriate behaviour of him leaving himself open to an affair even if he didn't intentionally seek it. He was seeking some kind of connection as deep down he knew there was no connection with porn.

I had no idea. I mean I didn't thknk that he never ever had watched it. I had searched everything many many times and never found anything. He was very very good at hiding it. But it never ever crossed my mind that he was a porn addict and that was the reason for all this behaviour and why He didn't want to have sex with me often, he was having sex with porn regularly.

This is the first time he has voluntarily confessed anything without denying lying. Minimizing. Omitting saying I don't remember.

He says he knows it is hurtful and devastating to confess this when I had no suspicion, but he had lied to himself and me for so long and knew neither of us would properly heal if he didn't come clean as we didn't really the last time.

I thought he was talking about past behaviour and he would have stopped when I called him out on his inappropriate behaviour last year. I had said if he felt like he was just my caregiver( I was ill and disabled for 3 years) and wasn't capable of loving me fully as a wife, we were done. I was prepared to move to our suite and split up. Turns out he only stopped 2.5 months ago, only because after the latest day with me, finding he had an interactive sexual encounter, he finally figured out he needed to change and actually communicate with me. He said that in 2015 but didn't fully commit to change and didn't do any self reflection - he just didn't want to face that he had done these things.

This new profound change in everything about him and the closeNess we found has come from me putting everything in his face and forcing him to confront his longstanding behaviour of reaching out to other women instead of me, I had said to him all these separate behaviours were connected by him having weak boundaries and seeking connections, sexual or emotional, in many different ways, and he needed to figure out why, so he truly did some deep work on this. This persistence and his willingness to finally address it has made him finally face the fact that I was right there all along loving him and he just needed to communicate back to get everything he ever wanted and felt he lacked.

In some ways, this discovery is a relief because I always knew there was something more to this behaviour that I didn't know. It is also a relief to know he was gaslighting me and I wasn't overreacting by trying to dig for truth, but it doesn't make it less devastating.

I have done a Lot of reading and research. Before I knew what we were dealing with, I said it was up to him to choose IC or not. I wss on the fence as I hadnt found anyone I felt would help and not do more harm. Now I know more about what we are dealing with, I have found more resources. I have suggested to him a specific csat therapist that will work with him and then us as a couple

I have found a resource with the suggested things we need to do next which includes him having an assessment to see if he is diagnosed PA/SA, agreeing to therapeutic disclosure (I haven't mentioned this yet) and having a plan if he relapses He has agreed to the initial plan which is to inform me if he has compulsions (which he said he never felt compulsive abuot it, more like a habit) Or if he slips he needs to tell me because if there are any discoveries of new behaviour he is gone. He has agreed.

I believe reconciliation will be successful but i know I will go through it all sadness, hurt, anger(even rage) grief for what I now know was stolen me. I told him last night 2 -5 years is what it takes to heal, and that starts all over again every new discovery. So we are starting R right from the very beginning, again. U havce had to go over all the past discoveries (even though I deleted most of it) and reask all the questions.

I believe I finally know as much truth as he can give. I am scared because I trusted him before. I took a leap of faith that I knew the truth before, and that when he said he wanted to change, he meant it. But without the truth being known, it was bound to recur eventually, and it did. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made before he didn't do any of the work, I did it. im not going to police him. I drove R in so many ways. This time he is doing the work of self reflection and facilitating healing. it is obviously painful for him, but he is willing this time. I don't want to push him into ic as I don't feel it's productive, but if he chooses not to am going to insist. This is a hard line for me

Since we are dealing with PS/SA we need a professional no matter the monetary costs.

Thanks for reading, I welcome all comments and support.

[This message edited by lizziej at 11:46 PM, Wednesday, July 23rd]

Sorry that you're back. For your sake, I hope he's more successful this time. What boundaries are you establishing or what are your plans if he doesn't do the work?

Do you think that a passed polygraph test would help start building back trust?

It sounds like you're optimistic that he has turned a big corner. Maybe some sort of confirmation will solidify that even more.

Leafields.

We had already established that he is off all social media. He had deleted whatapp amd telegram already and in May he deleted Facebook and Instagram.He also commites to stay off his phone unless necesaary. All this was his decision

We joined our offices so we are togehter in one common area in our empty downstairs suite. and he only uses his old downstairs office for business zoom calls.

All these have been in place for 3 months and were at his suggestion. Also zero conversations with women without me except for business situations.

Also he is 100% accountable to me for his time and we are together much more than before. We have put in place new together activities and spend time every might and morning cuddling and talking.

JB Re the polygraph. Yes, I think this would help rebuild trust. I haven't brought it up in the past few days, but he was willing last time
I had told him about a month ago that I was reluctant as he would probably pass since he believes much of his own bs.for example he insisted that the reason he brought up the idea of a video call with a woman ws because he knew it was a bot and he was trying to prove it by suggesting a video call to "call them out" huh? He really believed it until I went over and over this and them literally showed him the conversation. He literally told her she shouldn't be single was attractive blah blah blah and then asked for a video call and gave her a zoom link and said he was
And all this was conversation was within a minute of him having a brief text conversation with me ( o was out of the country). When I showed him the conversation and literally read it to him he was floored, because he had truly believed he did not try to initiate video calls that he was a "victim lead down a rabbit hole" by bots and got caught up in conventions he knew he should have.

Now I believe if he goes to IC and does more work, I would get an accurate reading. A fail or any evidence of physical cheating would be the end. He would be moving to the basement suite and our marriage would be over. Same with any new discoveries or if he slips and doesn't tell me.

Any other boundaries or suggestions for things I should have in place, other than mandatory IC ?

[This message edited by lizziej at 10:00 PM, Wednesday, July 23rd]

Honestly I don’t want to see you D but I think you need to face reality.

He’s an addict. Addicted to porn. It’s an addiction that he may or may not be able to break.

Add in the cheating and at this point I think you should really lower your expectations. Do you want to spend the rest of your life monitoring this? Holding him to a boundary he may not be able to meet?

Find joy in your life. Accept he may not change but you decide to either live with it or D.

But honestly what I envision sounds exhausting AND I think you deserve better.

I am typically pro-R, but this one gives me pause.

I have not personally seen sex addiction but I have seen much drug and alcohol addiction with others in my life, including my family. Well, I take that back we may have one friend who also is a sex addict but he's got a lot of problems. One of the things that occurs to me to motivate him to overcome this is perhaps to emphasize that he could have a real, better, and fulfilling sex life with you - a real person - and maybe that is something that counseling might help him to truly envision. He's become so habituated to this, I don't even know if he thought about it as he was doing it, but he obviously felt guilty enough and it became unsatisfying enough for him to confess to you. It does sound like he has reached a point where he WANTS to change, and it can be very hard to get someone to that point. People ENJOY their addictions, something we don't admit often enough. If you are willing to have sex with him, if he can be helped to envision something he might enjoy a lot more, it might truly motivate him to do the work and give this up. I do think he'll probably have to work with a counselor with this as it seems like too much for most people to do on their own. He might have to be re-sensitized to sex with a live person because excessive porn takes a toll on a lot of people and they can only function in certain, seemingly ever narrowing ways. I don't think it broadens anyone's horizons, which is an argument sometimes made for porn - I think it actually limits them.

I don't know if this is useful to you, but I wanted to throw out the thought. And at least he does seem to want to change, which is head and shoulders above a lot of others, if you feel up to helping him with this. I would never think of putting this pressure on you because it sounds like you've put up with so much already.