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Another update today he has decided he doesn’t love me as he should. Yet he’s not actually left the family home.

Then I see OW in person and end up finding out they finished 5 weeks ago but were in contact 3 weeks ago which is when he left last time for a couple of days. Do I believe her I do a little bit. I think she’s fed up with the lies he’s told her too.

I’m glad he’s told me that he doesn’t love me how he should as now I feel I can move on and not worry that I didn’t try to out the work in.

I think in the next few weeks he will realise exactly what he has lost but by then will be far too late. I also don’t think he will try to come back I think he will just be miserable.

Am I hurt, definitely but I’m hopeful. I’m hoping now I can start rebuilding my new life. I’m just dreading everyone finding out as not everyone knows yet

Sorry he's such a jerk. Share what you're comfortable with sharing. For those who closer to you, share what you want. For those who are acquaintances, you don't have to share anything. A line a relative used was, "He preferred his women in quantity rather than quality, and I'm not ok with that."

I wanted to chime in as I was the victim of a workplace A that went off and on (mostly on) for 1.5 YEARS after dday 1. I’m going to be frank here so please don’t be offended as I’m throwing myself under the bus as much as anything when I say this… (and the kicker is that our outcome was weird and wholly unexpected and better for ME)…

I should have told him I was done with him and let them be together from day 1. Really. The things you say and the head games he is playing in your head and the head games you are allowing yourself to play only exacerbate and lengthen the misery.

I rode the Snapchat wagon. I rode the deleted texts wagon. I rode the "the A is over" and the "I don’t know what I want" wagon for far too long. My WHs job is odd - so leaving it would have meant leaving his disabled daughter without heath coverage and very expensive treatments - so requiring him to just up and quit wasn’t a good one for her and a transfer takes about 2 years so in that way our situation is different than most. But the rest is identical to your situation. I allowed myself to half-believe things he said which in hindsight were such out and out lies because I wanted them to be true. I wanted him to be the person I thought he was but the reality is that he was never that guy.

Eventually I left (the house was his pre marital asset so there was no option for me to stay there - if anyone was leaving it was me). I had financial reason and career reasons that I stayed in the area as long as I did and some were valid but the reality is I should have moved out and let him have his freedom that it appears he wanted because…

This was all about control for him (and for your WH too - don’t kid yourself into thinking it’s not for a second - it 100% is.. Someone else said it and they were spot on - the WS lives in the pure fantasy that they get to retain control of the situation even after d-day. But here’s the thing: to the extent your WS has control it is because you are allowing it. Yes. You are.

The biggest life lesson in all of this for me was that you simply cannot control the outcome of most things. The only control you have is over you. My failure to stick up for myself allowed him to treat me like a doormat. I was never going to be able to warp the situation into him coming back to US if he didn’t want to. I was never going to make him no longer want the AP or to be free of me or whatever it is that he wanted (spoiler alert - 7 years later he admits all of this - that he didn’t know what he wanted for sure and was afraid to make the wrong choice like me - and the AP - were items on a menu).

And another spoiler…he and the AP were according to the millions of texts I did get my hands on and some recorded phone calls "in LOVE". They chatted daily sometimes sending over 500 messages in a single day to each other. They were going to ride off into the sunset together. They were perfect for each other. Same jobs (they convinced themselves due to the weird nature of their job that no one who didn’t do it could "understand" them (which is odd as her husband had the same job lol). And just so much in common. They were the "soulmates" although they didn’t use that term. Their sex was fucking amazing - better than anyone else’s on earth - blah blah blah. But what happened after I blew it up and left….nothing. They never moved in together or even officially dated.

In my case the AP was married to a friend of his who was also a coworker. Eventually it blew up and everyone at work found out and he really fucked up a lot of his own friendships and he and the AP despised each other for awhile and she divorced and married someone else at his work. Sigh. My WH got himself into IC and was going very regularly for 3 years and he still goes just less so now. He did the work for him not for me as I had given up on him and really needed to heal me.

But putting that aside for a minute as who knows what will happen with your WS in the aftermath - what I can tell you is in leaving I felt waaaay better relatively quickly. And with some distance comes clarity. Yes I still mourned for what I thought we had but I suppose the one thing about sticking around for as long as I did was the emotional abuse I suffered really kicked the shit out of my perceptions about what we had. And it also made me realize that I had allowed the abuse to continue - that part was on me. I didn’t protect myself well enough because I wanted what??? That? Him? Us? In hindsight none of that was worth the profound misery and suffering that ultimately I had total control to stop any second I wanted to.

WH and I date now. Casually. He has done the work even to the extent he understands that he wrecked what we had. It’s toast. Dead. What we have now is different. More honest and with far less commitment from me. And guess what??? I am infinitely happier now. My boundaries are rock solid. He would love for me to move back - for us to be 100% us again but he knows I’m not ready. Maybe never will be. But not because I’m secretly pining away for someone else but because it’s just the way things are now for me. And really for the most part, he’s a gem these days. He’s still defensive - it’s his go to - but he recognizes it immediately now and self corrects. He’s apologetic when appropriate. He’s much more introspective and thoughtful. He’s well changed - and he feels better about himself too. It’s a win for sure even if our relationship didn’t make it fully intact.

But even if none of that had happened with him…even if I had left and he hooked up with AP and was still with her...I would still be better for having left because being with just me is one billion times better than being back where you are now.

So I feel for you. And I am proof there is hope. I recall crying so hard and lying on the floor for so long that when I finally went to get up my eyelashes had glued themselves to the carpet. I recall that horrible pit in my stomach every stinking day because I was worried if he was lying or if I was making shit up in my head (it was both - he didn’t lie about every single thing he did but it was so much it was impossible to tell). Gaslighting and total lies. Defensiveness on the daily. Trying to fake that I wasn’t wholly miserable every single moment. You are in control of ending that and my very long winded advice is to take your control back and let the chips fall as they may…as ultimately they are going to anyway.

Look at my signature line - it’s true. You can get though this and come out the other side better than you can imagine right now. You just have to believe in yourself and put you first. You’ve got this.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:14 AM, Monday, September 1st]

And I just read your comments about what the AP told you. The AP in my world was also sick of the lies from him but she herself was a liar too. Just as big of one as he was. So if I were you I would cut that off - communicating with her - the AP tried to act like she was my friend. But when I cut her off and told her I never wanted to hear from her again - that she was a big of a liar as he was and that she needed to fix her own life and get out of mine - that she was responsible for the mess as much as he was she turned into a pure lunatic. Blaming me for her problems. It was my fault that because I had outed the A and told her husband etc that I "ruined her 4 year old son’s life". When I told her the responsibility to protect her son from her actions was clearly not mine and that the only person she had to blame for the mess of her life was her and that I’d be filing a restraining order if she continues to contact me she flipped out and sent my WH a bunch of crazy messages etc. because she, like him, was living in the ultimate fantasy - that somehow they would continue to manipulate me. I think in their fantasy land they imagined they could some how manipulate me into believing that they didn’t mean to hurt me or maybe they would get my blessing or at bare minimum I would walk away quietly and they could feel like the good guys for trying. I mean it wasn’t their fault right? It just happened.

In most situations the AP is not your be trusted. They are not your friend and most likely they want you out of the picture. But, and at least for me this was admittedly a big part of it, I didn’t want to let them "win" by leaving the fight. I had to admit that to myself when I finally decided to leave. But you know what? Unless your WS and the AP fix themselves what they are "winning" is a big pile of crap. My mom and her AP married and they have had 40 years of general misery replete with cheating and lying and fighting and emotional nightmares of epic proportions. Neither my mom of her husband fixed themselves at all - so that is what they won - a lifetime of infidelity and lies. Not such a great prize. If that’s winning let them have it.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:18 AM, Monday, September 1st]

***sorry for the millions of typos. Doing this from my phone and my posts are a mess.

Thank you both for the advice. I 100% agree the OW can’t be trusted at all. As for him he’s still trying to play games with me and you’re correct I have been allowing him to have control. I am seeing myself now differently and my future differently I have started to get my finances in order now. And am starting to really detach from him. I’m not going to pretend, it’s hard and am I upset about the future I thought we had. But I’m also looking forward to a new future.

I really wanted him to put an effort into working in our relationship but he’s not put any in at all. But I’m also going to flip this into a positive because I know in my heart I’ve really tried to make it work between us and he didn’t. He has said he loves me but doesn’t love me how he should. I’m not even sure what that’s meant to mean. He’s just told that many lies to me.

The feeling now towards him is more of disappointment and disgust and I feel you made your bed with her so go lie in it. I have a feeling he will eventually end up with her but I can’t see it lasting at all. As long as he’s not bothering me he can carry on!

Missmee just wanted to send more love and hugs xxx

As long as he’s not bothering me he can carry on!

Exactly!!! Once you decide to D it’s game on - you look out for you. And only you.

And then the D is finalized and either it’s no contact (if no kids) or you figure out how to make co-parenting work.

If you know you tried your best then you have no regrets about the D. It will never work if one spouse "doesn’t live you like they should" which is code for ILYBNILWY (I love you but not in love with you).

Some cheaters won’t pull the trigger to D because they fear the AP relationship won’t work out and then they will be alone. That is worse than living in a fractured marriage and/or alone.

Honestly, I know the next few weeks are going to be tough all I wanted was him to be honest with me. He’s not the man I thought he was at all. I thought after 19 years together I really knew him!

Thankfully we never married but do have 5 children together with the youngest been 1 so will unfortunately have to deal with him for a lot of years still now.

This evening he’s said he was sleeping with her longer than he said previously, I reckon he’s been sleeping with her recently just hasn’t got the balls to say it.

And that he’s in love with her and wants to make a go with her.

In my head it’s all pathetic of him so a man of nearly 40 will be going to live with his 24 year old girlfriend her parents and siblings

You are amazing! I wish I’d had even just half the common sense and courage on my D-Day #1 that you have shown!

it’s great to read that you have had some glimpses of a positive future - like how calm and happy the house was when you first asked him to leave. Hang in there - there will be lots more positive in your future.

And yes still here, still causing upset. Still telling lies. Gaslighting me. The behaviour he’s showing now is the same as when he started the affair.

He doesn’t have much family and no savings, so leaving isn’t an option. Family member he stayed with previously told him they don’t agree with what he’s done but still family. And I think this has made him realise he will be unwelcome. His new suggestion today has been to save for a year see how the relationship goes and if it’s still not working at least there’s a pot of money to leave with. I told him to pack a bag and get out. But he’s not he just shut up.

But he sat earlier and told me he’d been speaking to her all last week and tomorrow he’s going to tell her there will never be anything between them. Then back tracked and said it was a lie.

All he keeps on is how much of a villain I seem to of been during our relationship which I thinks him trying to justify his affair.

I’ve told him that I won’t continue to be treated with so much disrespect. If he thinks there’s a choice between me ap or anyone else always chose that other person because I don’t become an option anymore.

He’s been very cold with me. But does seem to be having moments where he seems to come to his senses about the mess he’s caused. But then goes back to this idiot.

I think my next action is to just ignore him and be as cold towards him as he is to me. No chit chat only about children. Follow the 180

I’m kind of hoping AP does want him and he will up and leave. And hopefully be miserable for him!

There is something called Gray Rocking. You become as silent, as passive, as uninteresting as possible. He becomes a piece of unwanted furniture. You do not cook for him, wash his clothes, do ANYTHING for him. You never have a conversation. If he asks a question and you don’t want to answer it, don’t answer it. You try to be somewhere he is not. If he sits in the living room never go in there. Assume you are the only adult in the house.
It takes a lot of grit to do this but gradually, as your interactions decline, your stress level goes down.
You can’t make someone love you. You can’t make someone loyal. You cannot change another person. The ONLY thing you have control over is yourself and how you respond and react.
Good luck