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So the things he says now is he has to come home no matter what he really wants because it’s best for everyone, but he’s doing it his way. It’s best for the kids, financially are his reasons. Of course he has feelings for her but it’s best to come home was what he last said.

Honestly fed up of being stuck in the situation. Start of the week I told him I’m fed up of all of this now and for him to leave me alone and focus on the kids.

I’m guessing he still wants the best of both worlds? And by letting him come back I’m just setting myself up for him to continue to abuse my heart aren’t I?

[This message edited by Missmee at 1:23 PM, Friday, October 24th]

This is cruel. Has he actually said he wants to come home because of money!?!! Does this mean he keeps his girlfriend? In what world does he think this is going to work?

This is for you to think about. Every time he leaves the house you are going to get stressed. Every text, every phone call, is going to make you tense. What this has done to your body has already affected you. This kind of ongoing stress has real consequences in the future. It begins to break down your immune system. It goes after your nervous system. I hope you have seen a dr about some meds for anxiety because that is what you will be living with.

Please take care of yourself.

I agree with Coolyey2here, he is being very cruel. He is basically telling you, that you are a second choice but he has to come home for monetary reasons and for the kids. How insulting! You are the prize, not a second choice. Always value yourself. You deserve so much better.

Thank you both, that’s exactly how I feel he’s treating be terrible but somehow making it my fault. The money thing is I don’t think he had actually thought it all through when he was here, with the actual amount of maintenance he would have to pay then the fuel and money needed when it’s his turn with the kids.

"I told you yesterday you have to let me do this my way ok x of course I have feelings for her but I’m willing to come home for you guys"

"it will work cause we have no choice we have had this conversation a 1000 times"

" what do you want me to say x YOU want me back and it’s best for the kids so that’s what I will do it’s not about what I want it’s about what’s best so why are you so concerned with how I deal with her "

These are the texts I’ve had today, the last text I had asked him if we were to try to make it work how will he end it with her, how will contact stop at work etc…

He is coming tonight to see the kids and plans to see them tomorrow and Sunday but still at my home. I’m already on edge and my anxiety is through the roof.

I’m pretty certain this is now turning emotionally abusive towards me?

I’m pretty certain this is now turning emotionally abusive towards me?

I'm pretty certain it has been emotionally abusive for a while now. He cheated on you, and now he wants to "do things my way" to try and solve the issue? I don't think so. At this point it should be your way or the highway. He doesn't deserve another chance, but if you're willing to give it, it should be under your terms, not his. Anything less means he's not all in, and if he's not all in why would you want to stay with him?

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:25 PM, Friday, October 24th]

Missmee

What he wants and what he can afford is not really relevant.
What do YOU want?

You have shared with us that the home is yours and that you can legally keep him from entry.
I know that the UK has a relatively clear form for determining child-support.
I take it you are in a better position to have prime custody (seeing as you have the kids home).

If you want out, it should be relatively "easy". Not emotionally – but from a practical perspective. You could cut off all these fantastic offers he’s making about coming home for financial reasons, for easier access to the kids and all that with a simple:
No.
Followed by:
Legally you can’t come back into my home.
Followed by:
Here is the amount due monthly in child-support. Please contact the CMS (Child Maintenance Service) regarding when and how to pay.

Thank you both, that’s exactly how I feel he’s treating be terrible but somehow making it my fault.

I told you yesterday you have to let me do this my way ok x of course I have feelings for her but I’m willing to come home for you guys

it will work cause we have no choice we have had this conversation a 1000 times

what do you want me to say x YOU want me back and it’s best for the kids so that’s what I will do it’s not about what I want it’s about what’s best so why are you so concerned with how I deal with her

These are the texts I’ve had today, the last text I had asked him if we were to try to make it work how will he end it with her, how will contact stop at work etc…

He is coming tonight to see the kids and plans to see them tomorrow and Sunday but still at my home. I’m already on edge and my anxiety is through the roof.

I am going to suggest you do not allow him to return home to live with you & kids.

It will be damaging all around.

You will be forced to watch him cheat right in front of you. He will text the OW and spend time focused on her.

And you will be forced to allow this.

Please do not let him call the shots. I was in your EXACT position and if I could stop one person from the pain & hell I went through, I would do it.

And you will be living in hell with the cheater parading the affair in your home snd right in front of you.

If you complain, Mr Cheater will tell you "it has to be my way and you cannot complain" or "you agreed to this by letting me come back home".

If you give in to him now, you are going to continue to be abused by him. Taken advantage of and manipulated the rest of your marriage. Because you are allowing it now (that is how manipulators and cheaters think).

By standing up to him NOW you are setting yourself up for a better future. If he gets mad and continues to cheat b/c he can’t control you, then you know his plan was never to stop cheating or remain monogamous.

If he blames you for his unhappiness, then he’s always going to be the victim and act like a spoiled brat who didn’t get his own way (b/c you won’t allow him to return home and continue to cheat).

If you don’t change, he will not change. And by you taking control of your life — you are setting yourself up for a better future. One where you are setting the boundaries and making sure that your future is one where YOU will be happy, in a mature relationship that has trust, respect and values (such as monogamy and honesty).

I think it is a mistake to let him return home. This is not your problem to solve.

It’s up to him to prove to YOU that he is worthy of a reconciliation. You need to be HIS top priority and right now he and his OW are first.

I suspect there are other reasons he wants to return to your home and it has nothing to do with his "doing what is best" is the reason.

He needs some serious counseling before he thinks he can walk through the door and just pick up where things left off. Oh hell no! To that idea lol.

Stop feeling sorry for him. He created this situation. And he has to fix himself first.

My H thought he could sweet talk his way to full reconciliation and it would be a month and I would calm down about his plan to kick me to the curb.

When I kicked him out and refused to speak to him he was stunned. And that’s when he knew he had to make some serious changes. And he started immediately because he had no other options if he wanted to stay married (at that point I didn’t care if we were going to stay married) so I had complete control.

And guess who wears the pants now.

And now he’s afraid I will D him lol.

Guess who’s winning now. Me - a corner doormat taken advantage of by someone who thought I was soft. And I was until I knew it would no longer work.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:38 PM, Friday, October 24th]

Your right The1stWife it is a bad idea him coming back.

Tonight’s conversation/argument he has no remorse what so ever. Has a rewritten our history. Of how I never respected him or appreciated him in the 20 years we were together. Yes we had ups and downs like anyone. But I’ve never jumped into bed with the first guy I could!

Part of this is my own doing as well as I have asked him to come home but he keeps saying he wants to then changes his mind.

He says he’s very much in love with the OW and has been since about 2months into the affair they are currently on month 10 or 1 month of being together in the open.

Honestly feel like this is just never ending, I’m still so angry he’s done all of this. I honestly expected him to pull his head out of the clouds and release what a fool he’s making of himself!

Missme, Maya Angelou is often quoted because she was a very wise woman. She said when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. Your ws told you he is very much in love with the OW. Believe him.
His idea of having access to your washing machine, your refrigerator, your stove, because it makes sense, makes no sense. He is so delusional he thinks you are going along with being a living, breathing, working appliance that should sit quietly until he needs something…like a home cooked meal or clean clothes. Do you see how ridiculous that is? Your fear of the unknown has you trying to work something out with him. Stop it. He has told you he loves the other woman. Believe him.
What I read from here in the ether of the internet is he hates being in the home with a bunch of people his age. All his stuff is in your house, attic, garage. He can’t take to his new abode so you are now the storage unit for it all. He is being very cruel because he has jettisoned you for a shiny new girl. The fact that she lives with her family still and so that is where he has to live is not sustainable, and he knows it. I am very cynical about him. I think he wants to come home to get his hands on your house. He wants you gone. Please gather up the threads of your self respect and tell him to take a hike. He does not deserve your loyalty. I sincerely hope his egregious behavior has killed any love you had for him. Don’t let fear paralyze you. Protect yourself.

I often say cheaters choose both as long as both is an option. Don't let both be an option.

Your all correct with what your saying, I think I just need to hear it from other people’s perspectives to.

He definitely wants to be with the AP- now partner weekdays and come here to play happy families weekends.

He has said by me not letting him here weekends I’m being spiteful towards the children. I don’t have there best interests at heart. He doesn’t like that the second youngest has started therapy either, saying I’m making a fuss over it.

I do need to cut contact with him because he still has me where he wants. This is going to continue to be a long bumpy ride

I do need to cut contact with him because he still has me where he wants.

Spot on.

You continue to Hope to see "the old him" — the guy you married. He’s not here right now. Instead you have the new guy your cheating husband has become.

And he’s not the guy you married. He’s a lying cheating manipulating jerk.

BTW typical cheater behavior is to rewrite the marital history and blame the betrayed spouse for everything.

I always hope for reconciliation but right now that is not possible for you & kids. For your own sanity I would stop having conversations w/ him about anything other than child support and finances and lawyers.

Put him on text messages only - you respond to him if you choose only via text. You know he is blaming you for everything — he’s having a temper tantrum of epic proportions trying to get his own way.

Send a text message that you are not keeping him from kids but you cannot allow him to live in the house while he’s still cheating. You are willing to set up a visitation schedule but the kids are not to be exposed to the OW under any circumstances.

This provides you with written proof that you want him to see his kids and you are not stopping him from doing that. But he’s not able to spend weekends in your home living there just for his convenience. He’s chosen to move out and now he needs to figure out a solution for visitation.

He’s now left to go back to his bedroom. Said he would be back in the morning but I asked him not to come. I’ve now blocked his number so he would have to speak to my eldest now to contact me.

I’ve had to listen to the things she has been gifting him and all the things she does for him. He made a comment about how the relationship wont last with her which I’m guessing he thinks I’m the fall back plan! And how he has no choice but to come home.

Also normally I would be really hurt and upset and all over the place that he’s left again but I actually feel surprisingly okay that he’s gone?! Maybe this is the start of the realisation that he will forever try to play me? And my head and heart have finally sinked up together? Now just to keep firm with the no contact!

This is the hard part. Maintaining low or no contact.

I believe if you stop listening to his verbal dump "everything wrong with MissMee" you will stop being manipulated but also things will start to calm down for you.

He just continues to disrespect you. He has lost all sense if he starts telling you about how wonderful the OW is. What is the middle school lunch table because that is how 13 year old act.

He just keeps digging the hole deeper as though he had some stupid arbitrary reason to get back at you for some of his perceived and fictitious "hurts".

Texts only. Block him. Remove yourself from his drama.

I promise you will start to find some peace. And calm. You deserve it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:56 PM, Saturday, October 25th]

He's hooking you into feeling sorry for him. I know it seems to be impossible to avoid getting hooked, but you're almost definitely letting yourself get hooked. Note that I didn't write, 'You're letting him hook you.' You are in control of you. My reco is to do some reading on Karpman's drama triangle. If it resonates, with you, you may have some clear clues about what to do to cure yourself; otherwise a good IC can help.

Your WS is signaling/saying that he can't help himself. If that's true - if that's so, he's also signaling exactly what you have understood - he's not remorseful. He just wants you to take care of him in whatever way his ap won't.

When you doubt your perceptions, perhaps it will help to remind yourself that we see pretty much what you do.

I’ve now blocked his number so he would have to speak to my eldest now to contact me.

With all due respect, that's really not fair to the child, imo.

I'd block him, too, for the most part but have some way that he can leave a message that doesn't involve your children.

With all due respect, that's really not fair to the child, imo.

I respectfully disagree. And there are times when you have to put yourself first and protect yourself from the verbal abuse. And IMO this is one of those times.

He has access to the kids via a phone.

MissMee is allowing him to see his kids.

But she is setting a precedent that he cannot continue to harass her and disrespect her and blame her for his behavior and actions and decision to cheat.

SackOfSorry - I agree it’s not ideal but is the only way I’m going to protect myself. The eldest isnt actually a child they are a couple months off turning 19. Still not something I wanted to put them through but it’s the only way.

He’s been to see the children today and it’s ended up in yet another argument. He is still saying he needs to come back home but can’t yet until he’s sorted everything out. He says the right things but doesn’t follow through with his actions. Has yet again told the children he’s coming back tomorrow.

I am going full no contact I won’t be allowing him into my home. I’m not stopping him seeing our children but I won’t be making any arrangements for him. All he needs to do is email with a day and time and he can come collect them. I think I’ve been more than accommodating with him. But at the expense of my own mental health. He continues to manipulate everything I say and do. So the only way I can now protect myself is to have zero contact for the foreseeable

Look at you! You are doing it! You are uncoupling bit by bit. You are protecting yourself. You have a tribe right here on SI to help you work through the times when you feel you need us. The great thing about our tribe is we have your back. We will be honest but supportive.

Just keep your eyes straight ahead. That is where hope, happiness and freedom are.