SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Something that I have noticed about affairs is that the cheating spouse loses respect. Sometimes it’s prior to meeting AP, but it seems that a vast majority "lose respect " once AP enters the picture. How petty. I put quotes around lose respect because really this is a fundamental flaw with the cheater.

I don’t know if I’m in R, I know many here would tell me I’m a moron for even considering it after everything. I’m trying right now to just have a good relationship with my WW, because we have 5 young and they are more important. Does it mean continued marriage? I don’t know, what I am working on is just rebuilding our relationship, she’s receptive to that and us being good around each other makes our kid’s life better. She said something though that has bothered me immensely. She told me she isn’t my enemy and we will never heal as long as I see her that way. Yeah no shit, but I don’t think I’m wrong for seeing her that way.

She certainly was, for three years. Choosing her boyfriend over our marriage and family certainly makes her the enemy in my mind. I don’t care how remorseful she is now, doesn’t change that she chose to become my enemy repeatedly, and of course blamed me for it. She’s probably remorseful now, though I’ve heard it all before and I definitely don’t trust her at all.

How does it work, how do you flip sides and then act like well we are a team now. How do I tell her she’s going to have to accept that no matter what happens she became my worst enemy and that stain never comes out?

How do I tell her she’s going to have to accept that no matter what happens she became my worst enemy and that stain never comes out?

That take makes perfect sense. It’s a take though, that sounds like you’re already done and gone. Which is totally understandable. I’m just responding to your thoughts of sticking around despite how you feel now.

I think if "no matter what happens" is your focus, then R isn’t remotely possible.

For me, it became about what my wife aimed for now, today. If I was going to stay, it had to be about what we were building versus what the A destroyed.

You can choose to focus on the absolute worst about the past or choose to offer her a shot to show she is more than her worst choices. I’m sure better than my worst days, worst choices, so I let my wife show me she was on my side.

I’ll always hate what happened, I found it wasn’t helpful for me to hate her as well.

Pretty tough to rebuild if enemy is how you see her.

Well but your WW *is* your enemy. She is actually an enemy to your 5 kids too, taking POSOM's side over theirs.

And so your one concern should be protecting your kids (and yourself) from WW. And so on that note, your concern should not be about having a "good relationship" with her (impossible, AND your efforts in that regard are probably extremely damaging to your kids as it may be minimizing your WW's actions against them, as well as showing a lack of self-respect on your part--your sons are modeling your behaviour you know).

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:25 AM, Thursday, April 24th]

Oldwounds,

I do agree with you, but I am deeply struggling with how to get there. If WW had confessed everything and ended the A all the way back on DD 1, I do believe it would be easier. Instead it got dragged out to a false R and dd2 and then after all of that drama, finding out she never went NC for an extra two years, all the while telling me how sorry she was and all the other right things. That’s where I’m stuck.

WBFA,

I have self respect. And I hope my son models me. I have protected him when no one else would. I went to court for him to make sure AP would stay out of his life. I made sure that he was safe at school, and that he had an open door to me at anytime, and I got him to amazing therapist. More importantly, I never made him feel that he had to chose between me and his mom. He can love his mom and still love me and it won’t damage our relationship. He knows what happened, but he is still only a kid. What’s more he sees that I can be hurt but doesn’t mean I have to make the world suffer because of it. I am still polite and respectful to WW, especially in front of kids. Doesn’t make me a doormat, it means that my relationship with her doesn’t have to affect anyone but her. My kindness is not weakness

Hell —

What has she done to own her actions and choices?

With the extended lack of NC, the continued lies, she has to understand why you still see her as someone not to be trusted. If she doesn’t, that’s a red flag.

Words definitely lose meaning after an A, her actions are far more important.

Only consistent, relentless effort to be better and do better, the work of repairing her issues and helping you repair the M can give things a chance for you to get un-stuck.

When you say she is "probably remorseful" — I’m not sure what that means.

Wanting to keep the family together isn’t being a moron, but if your WS is still blaming you in any way or the M, then there isn’t anything to work with.