SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been perusing the book list, and I've actually ordered "How to help your spouse heal after your affair" because I've seen it recommended so many times through the forums. So my goal is to get out of infidelity. It is not necessarily to stay in my marriage, though I'd be thrilled if life worked out that way. So I'm open to reconciliation, but also looking for helpful material on healing my own soul and moving forward post infidelity. It's a big book list here, and I suspect there are others that could be added since the list was created. So, if you only had monet for one or two books that have been most impacted to you in your journey after infidelity, which ones would you go with?

How to Help Your Spouse Heal

[no soliciting]

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:25 PM, Friday, March 31st]

How To Help Your Spouse Heal
Not Just Friends

The Linda McDonald book is good. You should read it but that book is actually for your wife to read.

A required book is definitely "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

It is still the number one most throughly researched book on infidelity.

It’s long but covers all aspects.

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald

HOWEVER, if you're a BS and you're reading HtHYSHFYA, I would read it with the mindset of, "Is my WS doing these things? On their own? Without my asking/begging/pleading?" If they're not, then you know how genuinely remorseful they really are, and keep that in mind as you keep moving forward towards a separation or divorce.

Hi marine,

I know you’re in a tough spot.

So I won’t recommend the divorce books.

I’m going to recommend another book I definitely think you should read.

Now this book may lead you to divorce but it will try to help and may help you find counseling.

It’s called "What makes love Last" by John Gottman.

The Gottman institute is the largest organization that researches relationships at least in the US. But they are worldwide.

They actually offer marriage counseling.

Google "Gottman trained marriage counselor "

There are probably some in your area.

They are huge.

In fact after cheating one of the first things they do is have you read "not just friends"

That’s how big that book is.

Google the Gottman institute and learn about them. They may be able to help.

How To Help Your Spouse Heal
Not Just Friends

These

How to Help Your Spouse Heal

Not Just Friends

Completely agree with Annb....both books helped me begin to recover and helped my WW understand the devastation she wrought when she indulged what she previously had blithely termed her "fling" as though it was of zero consequence. After reading both books she started to own her awful decisions to cross many boundaries and saw how that dead look in my eyes was of her making.Her contrition and remorse flowed I feel from her dedication to read and internalize the message in them.

If you want to understand infidelity, then you want to understand people. A book that really opened my eyes in how we crooked timber of humanity operate is The Mind is Flat. So many "illogical" things that you see in an affair prove to be wired in to all of us. Not a long read either. First half of the book gets the gist. It upends a lot of accepted truths. Also has some pictures. 🙂

Another one, much longer, is The Book of Not Knowing by Peter Ralston. It turned inward to what it means to even be a Self, and where so much struggle comes from. I guarantee you will see the WS actions differently.

You can get much of the cite of both books through in line book reviews. I’d link to a good one if allowed.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 2:05 PM, Tuesday, April 4th]

One book the rarely gets mentioned is Cheating in a Nutshell. Usually, it is seen as biased, but I found it very helpful for a few reasons. I read it after I separated and filed, so my perspective was different. I really appreciated that it gave words to my feelings and reactions post Dday. It explained that I was normal and my reactions were just a set of behaviours that had been hardwired into me through thousands of years of evolution. I also liked it because it gave me license to feel and react without me judging myself for choosing to D. I was not weak or less of man for not "getting over it".

I essentially agree with Not Just Friends and HTHYSHFYA.

If I had to pick one other book for "self healing" it's going to be "The Body Keeps the Score".

I recommend one book that has been in print forever. GAMES PEOPLE PLAY is not about cheating per se, but it is about how people can play mind games with us and we’re completely blindsided by them because they’re so unexpected. I think everyone that comes on here looking for help needs to read that book. The second thing I recommend is an article by Jonathan Wallace called LYING in the Ethical Spectacle because lying is so corrosive, and it’s pretty spot on.

Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass is spot on for me. It accurately described everything I experienced as a betrayed male. Latter chapters offer guidance on proceeding forward. Just getting into that now.

Highly recommended

Thank you all for your input. I truly appreciate it. I'm sure I'd benefit from reading as much as I can, and the book list here is great. I'm a very slow reader though. Just a weird quirk. I read deeply, but have to read a lot of things two and even 3 times to understand. I'm an audible learner I guess. But I admit I retain better reading the actual words. So I bought not just friends and I'm working through it now with highlighter in hand. I'll look into these other recommendations as well. Thank you all for narrowing the scope for a not so voracious reader.

Follow up to my previous message. I just read Confused282's comment about the Gottman Inst. I haven't read any of his books but have seen some videos.

I would recommend that you listen to anything John Gottman has to say.

Gottman is generally great. The only foible for affair recovery is that he doesn't recommend any sexual details (when and where yes, but positions, specific acts, etc. no). I think this is a pitfall that accidentally subscribes to rugsweeping and minimization in the name of not "further traumatizing" the BS. I think any excuse to deny adequate information that has been deemed necessary by the BS to make a decision in order to "prevent harm" is just bullshit.

Gottman is generally great. The only foible for affair recovery is that he doesn't recommend any sexual details

Smart

You need to know the details are there for the asking, so nothing is being kept from you, but better not to ask.