SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I had a couples session today and the therapist asked about our upcoming one year mark from DDay (my wife is calling it crapaversary). She asked if we could identify any areas where our relationship has improved since DDay. My wife indicated she thought our communication and honesty is better (I agreed).

The therapist asked her about her ability to trust me. I disclosed the affair that happened 20 years ago so the dynamic may be a bit different than were it discovered in real time. The therapist indicated that many of her clients can regain a measure of trust through consistent actions from the wayward (she estimated up to 80% of trust can be regained). My wife indicated that she feels like she can trust me, but then she is reminded that she felt that way previously so does not feel like she can really say she trusts me as she could just be getting fooled again.

I actually agreed with my wife that I am not sure how she could ever trust me blindly or at 100%. The therapist indicated that the betrayed partner has to decide if they can give the remaining trust (that cannot be earned back through consistent actions) to the wayward and that it is important to have 100% trust to have safety and intimacy in the relationship.

Curious what others have found. The therapist did indicate that this often takes years for the betrayed to be in a place where they can offer the gift of full trust again, but wondering if that ever really happens. How does a betrayed ever get the last remaining doubts when they trusted completely and got burned?

This might not land as I am more than a decade past my dday, and it may not offer reassurance or a sense of safety the way early stage survivors often need. What it does offer is perspective.

I’ve realized that 100% blind trust is a fragile and almost unrealistic expectation after betrayal. If I am honest, it was an illusion even before betrayal. Most of us simply didn’t know that. We were conditioned to expect trust and loyalty as givens. And of course that is the goal of a committed relationship. But expecting perfection from human beings is not the same thing as building trust with them.

I’ve gained enough experience with human nature, including my own past failures, to accept that human beings are fallible.

These days, my work, my peace aren't built on demanding guaranteed certainty from someone else, nor is it based on naive self-assurance. It's built on internal resilience. Knowing I am completely committed to my integrity, while also knowing I can handle life's uncertainties without breaking (🤞🏼).

Genuine intimacy does not require knowing the future with absolute certainty. It requires feeling safe enough to be vulnerable even though relationships carry risk.

Real security comes from knowing I will be okay no matter what happens, not from relying on another person to never fail.

I think a large measure of trust can be regained. Probably even close to 100% - when verifiable. That seems tonbe where it mostly lands. Trusted but verifiably so.

I don't think I'll ever be capable of blind unquestioning trust with anyone ever again.

Infidelity: the gift that keeps on giving.

Terms and conditions may include a 2–5 year emotional processing period, spontaneous intrusive imagery, and absolutely no returns.

I made the same point to the therapist - that I did not think my wife or really anyone should have blind trust in someone who has violated trust at the level I have. She seemed to think 100% trust is necessary for feeling safe in a relationship and I think we will eventually get close enough to that by wife will feel safe; however, I totally expect her to always have the thought "but I trusted him completely before and got burned" so 100% trust is not something I will ever expect.

There are plenty of reasons why I'm divorced, a big one being infidelity. Trust, or lack thereof, wasn't one of them.

It may have taken a couple years, but I came to understand that my ex-wife was so ashamed of herself, so disgusted with what she'd done, so humbled by her own failings, that she never wanted to feel like that again. And I trusted that. I also trusted that she knew and understood, without any doubt, that she would never get a third chance.

I think foreverlabeled is right about trust being something of an illusion, a fairytale we learn. One can certainly trust that people are fallible, that they'll fuck-up.

I understand your fears that your wife might never fully trust you again, that there will be lingering doubts. I also think you can lose yourself in that fear.

What's truly important, I believe, is becoming an authentic man. It's not just honestly that will register with her. It's not just being comfortable with vulnerability. It's being real, in every sense of the word, that will truly make the impression you seek.

That was missing from my relationship with my ex-wife. Despite all of her efforts to reconcile, to own and fix her shit, I still wanted a level of authenticity I don't think she was capable of reaching (even if that's a bit hypocritical on my end).

At this point in my life - and the irony is almost painful - the most alluring, sexiest, loveable traits I seek is authenticity.