SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am the betrayed H, and I am struggling to decide whether I should genuinely attempt R or accept that our marriage is over and move forward as co-parenting partners. I cannot divorce her because of our children.

We have been married for about 16 years. Her AP is also married and has children. The affair lasted approximately two years and was both emotional and physical.

How affair started:
I met my wife’s AP about 2.5 years ago and became casual friends. We had a few family gatherings together, and during that period, my wife exchanged phone numbers with his wife.

Initially, AP started sending inspirational messages, jokes, and similar messages on WhatsApp to both me and my wife. My wife mentioned to me once that he was sending her messages. I considered it harmless and did not take any action. Over time, their communication escalated. They moved to Instagram and eventually used a private account for their communication.

They exchanged affectionate messages, romantic and sexual content, and eventually started discussing meeting privately. Their first meeting happened after about two months of chatting. They kissed, my W felt guilty, left, and blocked him for about three months. During those three months, AP planned two family gatherings.

She later unblocked him, and he immediately resumed contacting her. Initially, my W told AP that she wanted to continue the relationship but without physical meetings.

AP also used to call me occasionally. On two occasions, during conversations with me, he apparently found out that my wife was alone at home and came to our house to meet her. I was so stupid and naïve that I did not realize his intentions.

Whenever she didn’t reply to him for days, the AP used to plan to have a drink with me at a bar near my house and try to visit my house to see her. He would then message her, saying that he had come there just to see her and that this showed how much he loved her. When my W questioned the AP about how he could use my H to reach her, he would say, "Everything is fair in love and war." She told him many times not to use her H to reach her, but he continued to use me as opportunities to see her. She used to feel flattered by the effort he was making.

During the last year of the affair, the relationship became much more intense - daily chats, romantic and sexual content, and physical meetings 1–2 times every month.

What my W said about the affair:
She has told me that she knew what she was doing was wrong and felt guilty. She said she never intended to start A, but it just happened. She wanted to stop but couldn’t. She told me that she cried, asking herself why she was doing this, and prayed to God to help her stop.

Over those two years, she says she tried to end the relationship many times, but they would usually reconnect within a few days. She told me that AP wanted to meet her every week. She tried to avoid meeting him, gave excuses, and sometimes even lied to avoid meeting him, but he kept pushing her to meet, she couldn’t stop him.
She told me that she had become addicted to the daily routine. She liked the attention, affection, excitement, and validation she received from him. She believed that, in this universe, nobody loved her more than he did.

AP repeatedly told her that she was his world and that he couldn’t live without her. He told her that she motivated him and that he couldn’t concentrate on his work when she didn’t respond to him. She told me that he gave her so much importance. He ignored his wife and children just to meet and chat with me. He loved me more than his wife and children, and even when I ignored him, he never became angry.

During the last three months of the affair, she says she stopped feeling guilty and stopped actively trying to end it. She felt that perhaps this was her destiny and essentially left the matter to God, thinking that God would guide her toward whatever was best for her.

She had believed that I would never discover the affair and that she could somehow continue both relationships. She said that she became influenced by ideas and manipulated herself to justify and continue the affair-
"We only get one life."
"The ultimate goal of life is happiness."
"I deserve to be happy."
"I can do whatever makes me happy if I don’t harm anyone."

What was happening in our marriage during the affair:
During the affair period, our relationship seemed to improve. We had fewer arguments, and she became more caring and understanding wife. We spent more family time together. However, emotional affection and romance between us had largely reduced. This had happened over the last several years, after the birth of our children. We still had a normal physical relationship as husband and wife, but I was usually the one initiating it.

About the AP:
The AP was extremely persistent in pursuing her. Even when she ignored him, blocked him, or became angry with him, he continued contacting her. She says he could send 50–100 messages, apologies, affectionate messages, reels, etc., in a day when she was not responding. 20-30 messages/reels daily on normal day.

On DDay, my W informed AP that I had discovered the affair. He immediately blocked both of us.

DDay+3day, I wanted to confront him but did not know his home address. I obtained another phone number and asked my wife to call him so that I could speak with him. She called him, but he responded rudely to her, ended the call, and blocked the number. She cried after this incident.

I created new account in IG and sent him an angry message accusing him of betraying me as a friend and questioning his character. I also made some insulting comments about his physical appearance and size.
He replied with extremely vulgar and humiliating comments about my W character and how he used her in bed.

DDay:
I discovered the affair accidentally. I had absolutely no suspicion beforehand. I could not even imagine that my W could have an affair. On DDay, before the discovery, she was upset and irritated without any obvious reason. Somehow, I got up at night, and a thought came to me about what was wrong with her. I thought I should check her phone to see if she had discussed anything with ChatGPT.

I found some of her previous conversations with ChatGPT about the affair. She had been asking questions about whether what she was doing was right or wrong, whether she could continue the affair as long as she kept her husband and family happy, how much she and her AP loved each other, and whether her AP loved her more than his wife. She had also written that they did not want a future together and only wanted to maintain a romantic relationship.

What happened after DDAY:
She answered my questions openly and was transparent with me.

She told me that she never intended to leave the marriage, she was selfish and that she hurt me. She never wanted to hurt or leave me. She has accepted responsibility.

She said that she has already caused damage and cannot undo it. She is ready to accept any kind of punishment from me if it can reduce my pain. She is doing her part to fix the relationship. She said that she always wanted to stop the affair but needed an external force to do so. Now, she says, she doesn’t remember him. The daily routine is gone, so he is gone from her mind. She says she doesn’t remember him or romanticise him. She said that he is not physically attractive and that she also did not find him better in bed. She said she used to meet him because of the romantic and sexual content they exchanged, which gave her a different kind of feeling and excitement.

Almost every other day, I get triggered and verbally abuse her, telling her how she ruined the marriage, how she could do this, how selfish she was, etc. She listens patiently, say she was sorry, apologies, and try to comfort me. I would feel better, and our relationship would improve, but then I would get triggered again, push her away, and verbally abuse her. This has been happening in cycles.

For the last 2 weeks, she has just listened and does not try to make things better. She seems to have accepted that our relationship will not improve and that we will live like co-parents, fighting and arguing every other day. If I keep my distance, she also keeps her distance. If I get closer to her, she also comes closer. Her behavior is entirely based on how I behave, and my behavior depends on my triggers.

Questions:
Given this history, should I try R?

Given that she loved him so deeply, will she ever be able to truly forget him?

Most of the things in our marriage was good. How could she choose an affair for her own selfish excitement and ruin our marriage?

I am unable to accept that she risked and ignored marriage, children, family reputation, H pain/trauma, and enjoyed her affair for two years and now wants to come back and resume earlier married life.

Does she deserve to have a happy married life after doing all this?
How should i handle my anger?
How do i know she is genuinely changing ?

AP once told my W, "Beautiful women are not available; we steal them from careless men." Could carelessness contribute to the affair?

How can I stop thinking about these things?

[This message edited by someone21082026 at 1:23 PM, Tuesday, August 25th]

Many of the questions you ask are unknowable now. It will take years to get to some position of stability even if you are both working hard at it.

The question I have is why you feel the issue is binary. R is a long process that takes years to get thru and is possible only when both parties want to it. Your other extreme is that you live in misery for the kids sake. There are lots of options between the two, including an amicable legal separation where the kids do not live with constant tension and periodic blowups.

What do you see yourself being if you choose to remain with her without getting to the why of it? Tell us more.

Your wife is a cake eater, wanted to have the excitement of an affair and still be married. She doesn't seem remorseful at all.
If she was genuine about accepting any kind of punishment perhaps she would be willing to give you a dream divorce.
A divorce where she would give up all that the law unfortunately would give her in case of a split, full custody and that she would pay you child support. After the divorce, you can start dating again, without any legal obligations.
Unfortunately, unicorns don't exist. You have someone who checked out long time ago, had an affair in front of you more or less and now is possibly planning her exit as people like her (cheaters) don't like the reality where they are the bad guy. She's probably been badmouthing you to people around your family. In my opinion, she sure as hell doesn't deserve to live a happy life after doing all of that to your family. Best of luck you and your children, man.

Sorry you have to be here and what has happened to you.

I must ask what the status of the AP's marriage? Does his wife know?

First off, never take divorce off the table.

I am happily reconciled, but I needed to know ALL of my options and letting go of the outcome was a huge part of my healing.

Kids KNOW when their parents are unhappy, you aren’t saving them if you stay there and stay bitter.

MY wife’s AP was a family friend, so I get that. Hell, OBS made Halloween costumes for our kids, we had family BBQ, etc. They had a 4-year LTA and two years after, AP showed again to try and start back up, my wife turned him down for the very first time at that point.

Focus on you and your healing — and check in on counseling (a counselor that doesn’t blame the M for cheating — no M can ever make someone choose to cheat).

I can only ever suggest someone stays if the M can become better and worthy of their time.

R is uphill both ways.

It is possible, but it takes BOTH partners healing themselves and BOTH people working to fix the M.

Infidelity burns the foundation to the ground, so the rebuild is a grind, if you choose it.

My wife learned why she needed the validation, she had to repair her esteem and build back her boundaries.

I had to realize her horrible choices didn’t reflect on me at all, in any way. She failed herself and her own standards more than she failed me.

My work was focusing processing all the pain, sadness and anger — without burying it or pretending everything was okay.

Keep reading here, keep posting.

Just keep ALL of your options open. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for a bitter, resent filled future.

Excellent advice above! Very sorry you have suffered this betrayal. Your life as you have known it has blown up. You have suffered a real emotional trauma. Do not underestimate its impact. Do seek IC with a counselor trained in betrayal trauma. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster. As state above, at this point do not rule out any option moving forward. You need to heal. You will figure out the right path for you. Time is your ally.

Your WW’s infidelity as described seems like a common theme we see here. A fantasy escape fed by compliments to a WS susceptible to validation. If your WW sincerely wants to R, what actions has she taken? She really needs to work on her brokenness and selfishness that would allow her to break her wedding vows. Her statements that she couldn’t end it, are very common, but total BS. She needs to get into her own IC to work on her weakness and need for validation. All of this is terribly unfair to you. Your anger and lashing out are normal, but long term, no punishment can ever balance the scales. Give yourself time to heal. I recommend both you and your WW read: How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, by McDonald. Good luck.

Given this history, should I try R?

No 'should' here. Do you want to R? Do you want to live the rest of your life with her? If not, my reco is to D. If yes, my reco is to R, monitor key performance issues, and D if one or both of you stop doing the necessary work or decide to D.

Given that she loved him so deeply, will she ever be able to truly forget him?

IMO, the love is false. If it were true, she'd leave. Sometimes WSes leave for false love. But IMO, aps can't feel true love, because they live in a fantasy.

Most of the things in our marriage was good. How could she choose an affair for her own selfish excitement and ruin our marriage?

Beats me. Shirley Glass (look her up) wrote the As happen in good Ms when the WS has poor boundaries. That seems to fit your WS.

I am unable to accept that she risked and ignored marriage, children, family reputation, H pain/trauma, and enjoyed her affair for two years and now wants to come back and resume earlier married life.

If you want to R, try out R. If she wants R, she'll do the necessary work.

Does she deserve to have a happy married life after doing all this?

If you want a happy M with her, she has to have a happy M with you. If you don't want her, choose D. Then the question becomes moot to you.

Every day, I get triggered, especially by the AP’s message describing their intimate acts, her ChatGPT messages such as "We love each other" and "I liked meeting him," and the affectionate names they used to call each other.
Why didn’t I tell her to block his contact at the beginning, when she informed me that he was sending her messages?

Gently, why are you asking us a question to which only you know the answer. Have you notified om's W? She deserves to know, and you might throw a wrench into his works. His W deserves to know. Any satisfaction you feel for telling her is beside the point, but enjoyable nonetheless.

Why didn’t I check her phone earlier and discover the affair?

I read this as a tragic, understandable lament. There's no blame in trusting your W. That comes from love. Really, there was nothing else a loving H would have done. My reco is to mourn and forgive yourself.

AP once told my W, "Beautiful women are not available; we steal them from careless men." Was I careless, and did my carelessness contribute to the affair?

He's a prime asshole, a POS of a man. There's no punishment that would be appropriate for him. You know the answer to this question, but my bet is that your W didn't have the boundaries she needed. She was a lousy person; you did your job.

How can I stop thinking about these things?

Heal. Feel your pain. Figure out what you want, and do what you can to get it. D if you don't want your W or if she doesn't do the work of R.

.

Don’t feel like you need to redact or sanitize what you say here. As a betrayed spouse, you are experiencing betrayal trauma. Most of us here have been there in one form or another.

Second, remember that you are the one who gets to decide what happens now.

You do not have to decide today. It is perfectly okay to kick that can down the road for a while. You can watch what she does, pay attention to what happens inside you, and give yourself time before making a permanent decision.

At the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with the choices you make, just as she has to live with the choices she made.

Try to have some grace for her if you can.

But more importantly, have some grace for yourself.

.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 10:42 PM, Tuesday, August 25th]

I don’t have much to add except two things.

I doubt it was actual love. It was limerence. There’s no way she’d be over him so thoroughly (if we believe that’s the case) if it was real love.

I think you should stop verbally abusing her.

You have every right to be angry. Furious. But abuse is abuse. If she’s so triggering, consult an attorney about how to separate or even divorce. Seek therapy. Exercise. Express your anger and your pain and your disgust but do so without abusing her.

For some, infidelity is a deal breaker. Nothing wrong with that. If so, divorce her and work on your healing. If you want to reconcile maybe one of you should move out for a month or two. Get to a place where you can express your feelings without the name calling and invective.

OMG! Though your wife is to be blamed for her role in the affair, in fact if not him it could have been anyone else. She needs to be in IC.
But having said that this OM is a prime PoS who needs to be exposed to his wife. He probably has been doing this with other women and his wife needs to know in order to get her agency back.

I am so sorry you are carrying this crushing weight. The shock and betrayal you are feeling right now are completely valid, but please hear this clearly: do not take any of this personally.
Her affair is not a reflection of your worth as a man, your attractiveness, or how well you showed up as a husband. When the AP said that line about stealing women from "careless men," he was speaking pure predator logic, and your wife bought into a fantasy. Cheating happens because of a profound moral fracture and lack of boundaries inside the person who strays—not because the faithful spouse was lacking. Your wife was willing to be completely selfish, deceitful, and hypocritical to chase an ego boost. That brokenness belongs entirely to her, and she needs intensive individual counseling to dig deep into how she could justify destroying her family for validation.
As for the other betrayed spouse, telling her is an act of basic human decency. She is living in the exact same dark fog you were stuck in for two years while her husband plays the role of a family man. You can easily locate their address through public record lookup sites like TruthFinder, Spokeo, or FastPeopleSearch using his name and city.
If you mail a letter, send it Certified or Registered with Return Receipt / Signature Required addressed directly to her full name so he cannot intercept regular mail from the box. Keep the letter calm and strictly factual: introduce yourself, state the timeline of their two-year physical affair, and attach clear printed evidence (screenshots and timestamps) so the AP cannot lie his way out of it. Do not warn him or your wife in advance, or he will spin a story to discredit you before she ever sees it.
You deserve peace, and the other wife deserves the truth to reclaim her agency. Take a deep breath, stop blaming yourself for trusting the person you loved, and take things one day at a time.

Tell the other spouse ASAP. Get the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald. Your wife must read and do what is in the book.

You have every right to be angry. This will be a daily thing for a couple years.

Should you try to reconcile? Much depends on her actions and what you want.

As another said, the only therapist either of you should see needs to be a Betrayal Trauma Specialist. This is very important

Seek God for wisdom.