SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Update- my WS and I were doing an in house separation since May. Long story short, I started seeing someone in late July since we were separated and I was lonely. I only went out a few times with him but WS found out. He is now distraught… claims he can’t go through with the divorce. That he thought he would be ok with me seeing other people but actually being faced with it is his huge wake up call and that he will do anything to work things out with me. In short, he’s doing all the things I spent the last year begging him to do. But is it too late? I know only I can answer that but I’m terrified of making the wrong choice.

I’m not going to give you "an answer" but I want you to consider some aspects of your situation.

First he’s done very little over the years to make amends or do what you needed. Those are your words and frustrations (and I am certain were clearly articulated to the cheater).

Second, he’s not doing any of "the work" for you, but for him. Because now he’s decided he doesn’t want to be alone.

Third, it’s only his fear of D or being alone that has made him "do something". Consider what will happen when he starts to get comfortable enough that you are not leaving. You may start to see backsliding and/or him then doing very little or the bare minimum.

Only you can decide your next move. But based on experience and human behavior I would have to say that IMO he’s not doing anything for you. He’s doing it for himself.

How do you feel about it? Does it feel too little too late? Sometimes it doesn't matter if they want to change now or show you or whatever it is. Sometimes too much damage has been done. My xWS was either harassing me or lovebombing me when we separated. I felt at peace being away from him and that was enough indication for me to keep moving forward without him. When I started dating someone and my xWS found out even though he was also dating someone he freaked out said he was going to confront my boyfriend it was at that point that I threatened a restraining order and started the proceedings for a D.

This is YOUR life now YOU get to decide what you want to do next and that is either going to be with him or without him. Is this something you want to try to re-vive again? Don't let him pressure you into anything take your time.

Divorce him anyway. If he is being genuine, he will make the changes and do the work regardless. Watch his actions over time after the divorce. And if he doesn't, you are better off being divorced when he shows you who he is.

He has had years to fix his shit, yes? And yet, did he?

JMHO

[This message edited by StillLivin at 9:58 PM, Thursday, September 4th]

What do you think drives this new found motivation?

Unhinged- love the name btw
He says his motivation is that he wants to be with me, that he thought he would be ok without me but that seeing me dating really drove home the point that we would be over. He seems more sincere than he has in the last 15 months since D day but I’ve been burned before.

I am 6 weeks from my dissolution court date. Many here know I gave my WW over 4 years to do the work and get her act together. I have been asked by a few friends and my mother, "What if she gets into therapy and truly begins doing the work to heal?" To which I’ve answered, "After the dissolution, and evidence of a couple years of therapy and the ability to fully convey to me what she’s learned about herself, what she’s done to change, and a true and honest display of remorse and apology, maybe, and this is a very thin maybe, I’d consider engaging with her." However, I don’t see myself being available in that timeframe. I know now what I offer, my IC sessions have helped me to build up my self worth, my demand for respect. I now will be honest with myself to determine what’s in my best interest but also possessing respect for whoever I may engage with. It’s sort of a too little, to late scenario. Now, that being said, 4+ years is a long time to allow your spouse to meet you at the table, I don’t know how long it’s been since DDay for you, but for me, I had to know I tried everything I could before walking away. Because now I know I can leave with no regrets. That, to me, makes a huge difference. It has given me time to fully and honestly reflect on what my marriage was with clarity. My moving on is a no brainer choice for me, I know that to stay, or let my WW back in will cause me more pain, and the new me won’t allow that. Strangely enough, I knew shortly after DDay that this would end up being my ultimate path. I’d suspect your gut knows how to proceed. Trust your gut because without a history of work by your spouse, your gut knows what your mind doesn’t want to accept. Stay strong.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 11:30 AM, Saturday, September 6th]

I read that in your first post. Funny how the realization that you're done flips a switch. I suppose I asked the wrong question.

There's a big difference between wanting to keep you in his life (selfishness) and wanting to be a better man (remorse). Doing the things you've asked him to do is (I suspect) merely appeasement, which is often (always?) based upon a desire to avoid conflict. It's neither genuine nor authentic.

It's entirely possible that he believes he's unworthy of you and honestly wants to change that, to be a better man.

So, again, what do you think drives this new found motivation?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 4:05 PM, Saturday, September 6th]

He says he’ll do anything, but what has he done? My WS said he wanted to come back, I said, "Well, go to IC for 6 months, we’ll talk then". (I knew I couldn’t go thru another infidelity). Anyway he went a couple of times and said IC wasn’t working on him".

Also :DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT THIS GROUP!!!! This site is for you.

So interesting…

What is it that you think he ‘gets’? His answer to that would be helpful. At this stage, for myself I’d be asking for an explication in writing; it feels like then it could be given the deeper consideration needed, by both him and you, especially to weed out any dog in the manger aspects that might be at play.

I guess he finally gets how I felt when I found out about his A. I don’t think he’s going to change. But he made a counseling appointment and I’ll watch and see if he goes. But I’m still moving forward…. I can up legal benefits at my job next month.

I say continue with the divorce. As we all know, actions carry much more weight than words. If you want you can tell him there's an opportunity possibly down the road if you think he has changed permanently for the better. Don't give a timeline, just let him believe there is an opportunity but only if you think you could get back together.

I "strongly recommended" that my wife start IC right after we started MC. The MC started immediately because I didn't know any better. At our MC sessions I said I cannot put my faith into this relationship until I believe my wife has either found or fixed whatever was missing or broken inside her. This kinda helped motivate my wife to finally agree to IC .

She was ADAMANTLY against my idea of MC about 5 years ago. She said it could bring up other problems in our relationship which had me confused thinking if they're so big why aren't we talking about them but she refused MC.

I predicted my wife would last Maybe a month or two and then come up with an excuse as to why it wasn't necessary and if she did I was planning to end the relationship but she has stuck with it for well over a year now and it's helped her a lot. But I'm still not convinced enough that whatever was broken or missing has been fixed or found. As long as she continues with the therapy on a regular basis it will help us move forward, I think

[This message edited by WB1340 at 8:56 PM, Sunday, September 7th]

Odds are strong that no, he doesn’t get what you felt when you found out about the A.

What he gets is how HE feels when he doesn’t get what he wants or when someone does something that HE doesn’t like. He has shown time and again that empathy and really getting how his actions hurt and affect you is not one of his strengths.

When you ask him what this is about, he says that HE wants to be with you. Has he said anything about you and your feelings in that? It’s still all about what he wants and him thinking that he should be able to have whatever that is and you should want to give him that too now that he really wants it.

If he gets himself figured out and does the work, good for him. He’ll have a healthier, better life going forward. If some day a long, long way down the road he is a totally amazing, changed person, you can choose or not to have a cautious look.

But did you hear anything in there about wanting to get help and figure out his inner whys and dysfunction? Did you hear anything about making amends or wanting to really sit and hear and listen to what you’ve been feeling all this time, you know, now that he gets it? It’s easy to get distracted by a little superficial effort when we’ve gotten shit for so long.

If I were you, I’d hold the course. If this is real, it will continue indefinitely, not peter out in a week or a month in a burst of frustration and anger.