SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like many, I am struggling with the choices that my WS made in cheating. He has gone NC with AP, shows remorse, and apologizes when I am triggered. He had done work to explore the whys of being vulnerable to an A - what I see lacking is his willingness to delve deeper into what is broken in him that he made the choices to violate our marriage and his morals. Without that work, I see his behavior being repeated.

What does "doing the work" look like to you? Are my expectations realistic?

I am curious how others answer this question for sure!

For me my wife doing the work looks like protecting our relationship, and prioritizing me like she used to do, actually better than dhe used to.

It looks like taking fill responsibility for her actions, and not blaming others in any way for them.

It looks like voluntarily doing individual therapy and working to understand and address the things that made this kind of acting out possible for her.

It looks like adopting humility, and giving a small portion of the grace I've shown her to others when necessary.

It looks like accepting that her affair has forever changed me, and learning to live with this new person, and developing the skills to communicate if she isn't interested being in doing that.

It looks like improved communication skills that were lacking before and during her affair.

It looks like respecting my boundaries, and communicating her boundaries.

It looks like focusing on the positive instead of letting the negative build up over time.

It looks like full transparency and honesty.

It looks like caring about my wellbeing and how she can address the damage she caused.

I think my wife is doing 65-75% of that.

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No I don't think your expectations are unrealistic.

My problem is how does one know they are delving deeper?

[This message edited by Theevent at 11:18 PM, Wednesday, July 30th]

Doing the work means different things to different people and can be unique to each situation.

For a long time after his second affair, my H declined work events with dinner & drinking at bars. If he had to go to a client dinner, he left after dinner. He did that of his own free will. I did not tell him to do that.

He has made me and our marriage a priority. He makes sure I know that every day. It’s the little things that can make a difference.

My H sought out professional counseling. Unfortunately the counselor was a jerk and started him on this "love language crap" which caused me to become upset. I am the opposite of that crap and expected my H to know that. But I can tell some of what the counselor said hit home.

The biggest thing was that my H was more communicative and open. And still is.

The work for me was, the person who hurt me wanted to take the lead in being a far better person, wanted to help heal the relationship and also help me by listening and caring about the pain she caused.

I think it was around three years of her consistent effort that allowed me to believe the work wasn’t temporary, it was a permanent part of the M.

I don’t mean she is perfect, she ain’t.

I never wanted perfect, I just wanted someone who sees all my imperfections and loves me anyway.

I mean she continues to care about the damage she caused and continues to try to be better and do better nearly 10-years later. That’s still part of her work in the M, and I do the same.