SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, fellow SI club members. I have been hanging around here for a couple of years finding a lot of help from other’s stories, but I haven’t yet gotten up the nerve to post my story due to privacy concerns. Lord willing, some of that is resolved in the near future and I can share my full experience…

I was in the greeting card aisle this afternoon trying to find an appropriate card for my ww’s birthday this weekend. Almost all of them talk about how "proud I am to be your husband", "you make my life wonderful", "your faithfulness to me", etc… As I was reading through them I got triggered once again with intense sadness. After 32 years of feeling all those wonderful things (I used to struggle picking out cards because I felt all of them were true), now I struggle to find cards that reflect my true feelings of love without all the expressions that no longer apply because they were destroyed by my ww’s infidelity. I still love her with all my heart and the thoughts of those losses cut me so deeply that I had to fight the urge to collapse on the floor and weep. I managed to stumble to the next unoccupied aisle and tried to compose myself. It’s been 2.5 years since Dday, and for the first year most of my life was blurry from looking through the constant lens of tears. I am considered by most to be a manly man, but I usually don’t mind crying to relieve emotional pressure. The past year or so I have coped so much better, so it was rather overwhelming to have that grief strike again so suddenly in a public place…

With infidelity being so rampant, you would think someone would start designing greeting cards for betrayed spouses!

Thank you for letting me vent… Praying for you all!

I say don't buy your WW a card. Don't get her anything. Her present if you will is you not bolting. Your WW needs to accept that she needs to do a lot of heavy lifting, and that it's now just a different marriage moving forward.

I struggle with this too. The mushy, sentimental cards make me sad. They remind me of what I thought we had but no longer do, or maybe never did. A generic card feels like I'm not even trying. I try to find funny ones that would appeal to both of us.

And don't even get me started on anniversary cards!

[This message edited by PurpleMoxie at 11:28 PM, Wednesday, July 23rd]

@WontBeFooledAgain… I have to admit she has been 100% remorseful and has attempted to do everything she can to make amends and help me heal. She is still my friend and the love of my life, so I still want to wish her well for her birthday & share my honest feelings.

@PurpleMoxie… Yep, same here on the anniversary cards! We took a trip on our wedding anniversary (8 months after she confessed to EA), and that turned out to be disastrously triggering as she was still having intrusive thoughts & feelings for the AP the whole time. I don’t even celebrate our anniversary now. If reconciliation continues on a good path, we might renew vows and then I might consider a new anniversary celebration…

Welcome to SI and if you've been lurking, I won't go into the "read the pinned posts" line...unless you'd like.

Cards are tough. You don't have to get one if you don't want. For the few times that I felt the need, I got about the most generic I could find for the situation. I bought a blank one and Googled for something to write in it.

Post more as you're able so we can help you.

Pick a card from the "close friends" pile -

Regarding posting your story - SI is anonymous - unless you post info peculiar to you - no one will know who you are

No matter what your story is - all of the ones I've read here over the years share similar traits and activities.

Very unlikely you will surprise any folks who have been following SI for years. (Or any other infidelity blog/site)

Posting your story may help you move on with life when folks comment on what information you provide.

May change your thinking or validate it - or present alternative options.

And it's way cheaper than a "professional counselor" -

@leafields Thank you for your input. I do plan to share soon. It might be as long as a novel though…

@Hippo16 I appreciate your encouragement. I am looking forward to getting some more specific counsel, advice and validation as it relates to my specific story.

Blank card and write happy birthday. It’s tough.

Most of the cards now are awful - they're so maudlin and over the top, even for happy couples. You certainly can't give her one that sounds like it stepped out of Romeo and Juliet - that would be fake for both of you anyway. It's not where you're at. Just trying to reconcile with her is a massive, on-going gift you're given her that many people simply would not have done. You don't have to pretend things that you don't feel at this point or that are an embarrassment to you - your daily life is a testament to who you are and how you feel.

I'd either give her no card, or a friend type card - maybe something with a pretty front (I usually just like the pictures anyway) and blank inside and write your own sentiment if you feel like it. Don't pressure yourself though, you've been through enough. If there is a sentiment you would genuinely like to express, do it in a blank card. It will be more real. Whatever you do should feel genuine to you, and comfortable. If she would like something better at this point, she shouldn't have cheated - cheating has long term consequences and the biggest one may be that your partner does not really know how they feel about you and the marriage anymore. It's not straightforward, it has layers. You can express that or not, but - you should feel comfortable and genuine in whatever you do.

@BondJaneBond.

"I'd either give her no card, or a friend type card - maybe something with a pretty front (I usually just like the pictures anyway) and blank inside and write your own sentiment if you feel like it."

I did share my struggle about this with my ww last night. She said she understood and gave me the same response that you did… Thank you for your comments.

The triggers and waves of grief a couple years+ after DDay are so hard in their own way, because you’re past the point where you’re thinking of the infidelity every moment, so they hit like a sucker punch. I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. Betrayal is awful. I understand and respect the privacy concerns, but I hope you share your story at some point if it’s helpful to you. Best of luck on this terrible journey no one asked for. Take care of yourself (which can be very hard when you’re in the ministry, as your name suggests).

I get blank cards and search the web for quotes that appeal to me. First year was too early for anything, since it was 2 weeks or so after d-day. The 2nd year was about being betrayed. Now the quotes mean to evoke memories.

If you're going to write a novel, I'm glad you use paragraphs.

Seriously, coming out from the shadows generally helps.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:23 PM, Thursday, July 24th]

Well OP just say Happy Birthday, and that your gift to her is you sticking around and not bolting. That says all you need to say!

She should understand that you just cannot be throwing all this effort towards her anymore, at least not for a long while, there is still simply way too much pain for you still, it's called CONSEQUENCES.

ETA: I am glad to read that your WW already seems to understand this.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:42 PM, Thursday, July 24th]

@Grieving

"The triggers and waves of grief a couple years+ after DDay are so hard in their own way, because you’re past the point where you’re thinking of the infidelity every moment, so they hit like a sucker punch. I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. Betrayal is awful. I understand and respect the privacy concerns, but I hope you share your story at some point if it’s helpful to you. Best of luck on this terrible journey no one asked for. Take care of yourself (which can be very hard when you’re in the ministry, as your name suggests)".

Makes sense about the unexpected sucker punches… Thank you for your kind and compassionate words.

You’re right… as ministers we are the ones who are always busy supporting others through their times of trouble, but we sometimes have to bear our own struggles with only the Lord’s help & comfort. Ironically, my ministry has always been primarily focused on marriage and family issues. I was the one attempting to comfort and advise those who had been betrayed. Looking back I realize just how little I truly understood the depth of their sorrow & pain. Prayerfully, this trial will enable me to acquaint with those I counsel with on a much deeper level.

@Sisoon

"If you're going to write a novel, I'm glad you use paragraphs. smile

Seriously, coming out from the shadows generally helps."

Thanks, Sisoon! Whenever I do share my I will do my best to keep it readable, but you know how long winded preachers can get…

That crushing feeling in the chest has struck me in public places several times. I gave up golf because the quiet between shots got filled in with the words I read in her correspondence with AP and the images of them on their lunch dates. There are only so many times that you can blame blowing dust or a loose eyelash to your golf buds. You aren’t alone.

I had the same card problem. Decided to make my own card. Drew a picture and on the inside I wrote a haiku. The picture sucked but the poem was pretty good. I beg you all to please pardon the brag. WW thought the poem so good that she asked where I found it on the internet. So, I avoided one trigger and got another one. One of the things she wrote AP was how he was just such a good writer. Plagiarism accusation aside, I now buy the cards with a nice cover and write my own message inside, usually a haiku. Look up the rules for haikus. Three lines, no rhyming. Mention a season. Try it, you’ll like it.

Hello, and I am so sorry you are going through all of that. I can't relate directly but I can relate second handedly. My sister-in-law went through the same heartache with cards. My brother had an affair over ten years ago but she ultimately decided to stay and work things out. She came to me to vent in the aftermath of finding out about the affair. She said she went to the Hallmark store to shop for a Valentine's Day gift and card for him. Her heart broke when she saw a card that said "to my one and only" because they had been each other's one and only sex partners, that is, until he had his affair. He's still her one and only, but she's no longer his. She said it took everything to not just fall apart in the middle of the store.

I guess the closest way I can relate with cards is with the way the guy, who I've been with for most of the last 25 years, and I used to always sign each romantic greeting card "with all my love," followed by one's name. Around ten years back, he stopped writing "with all my love" even though I still did for him. This also seemed to happen around the time he became more distant, would stop talking to me for almost full summers at a time, and I found possible clues that he was seeking out other women when not talking to me. Yeah, it was painful. It still hurts in a way to write about it.

BTDT. For years I'd walk by the cards section and say "fuck you" to them all.

Now, since WH is a card person, I buy a basic one. Happy Birthday or better yet - something blank inside. Or a humorous one - those are good for Anniversary [if you choose to acknowledge].

I NEVER acknowledge Valentine's Day since DDAy. Because that is LTAP birthday

Even though we had some good years after DD#1, and I felt basically "over" the affair, the one thing I never was able to do without feeling disgusted was buy cards. I had the same reaction as you to the "I'm so proud to call you my husband" stuff. Same for Father's Day and the "your dedication to our family is what keeps our family strong" stuff.

My approach was to buy the card with the least nauseating printed message. Where I drew the line was writing an inauthentic message, so I'd just pen a quick "happy anniversary" or "happy birthday" and leave it at that.

It's been glorious to be newly divorced for Valentine's Day 2025, our wedding anniversary 2025, and Father's Day 2025. And to have to do absolutely nothing!

Notsogreatexpectations ( member)posted at 1:06 PM on Thursday, July 24th, 2025

That crushing feeling in the chest has struck me in public places several times. I gave up golf because the quiet between shots got filled in with the words I read in her correspondence with AP and the images of them on their lunch dates. There are only so many times that you can blame blowing dust or a loose eyelash to your golf buds. You aren’t alone.

I had the same card problem. Decided to make my own card. Drew a picture and on the inside I wrote a haiku. The picture sucked but the poem was pretty good. I beg you all to please pardon the brag. WW thought the poem so good that she asked where I found it on the internet. So, I avoided one trigger and got another one. One of the things she wrote AP was how he was just such a good writer. Plagiarism accusation aside, I now buy the cards with a nice cover and write my own message inside, usually a haiku. Look up the rules for haikus. Three lines, no rhyming. Mention a season. Try it, you’ll like it.

I hate you have to experience this grief also, my friend. It helps knowing that there are so many others out there that understand the pain and turmoil we have to deal with.

It's awesome to hear that you have a writing talent! I typically express my feelings through the piano instead of the pen, but I might have to give the haiku idea a try... After I mentioned the lens of tears in my original post, I decided to pursue that idea in a few brief of lines (not haiku form).

They are glasses fashioned by infidelity, rimmed in sorrow and silent pain. Their lens of tears distort the beauty behind, blur the view forward, stretch thin the joy of the present... What once was so vivid is now pale with doubt. When will I be able to remove this fashionable gift of betrayal from my wife?