SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Buffalo bill I've considered a polygraph but I think it's so complicated as they have continued to text sporadic life updates over past 12 years (he said he did this to keep his secret safe) that it's hard to define an end date.

He is adamant it occurred 2001, 2003 and 2010-2012. The AP's ex husband says it was 2001-2013. I guess he counts the texting between them as continuing the affair and I know it never 'officially' ended in 2001 and 2003 so I guess he is right.

I looked back through all my Facebook posts from 2010-2013 and she was DESPERATE to be my friend, commenting on every post, asking me to meet up, commenting on our wedding anniversary posts and saying how good I looked. She and him really did think we could all be buddies whilst she sends pictures of her tits to my husband and shagged him whilst her kids were upstairs in bed

I sent him this today and I think it sums up my feelings:

I don't think it really matters whether or not you would do it again....you did it. Kind of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. You didn't trust and respect me enough to tell me the truth about you and her when we got together and you then threw our marriage and our children under the bus when proceeded to restart your sordid affair with her.

The fact is you never fully committed to me because you were never truly honest with me and this is why it was so easy to have an affair behind my back because you were already accustomed to lying to me.
Our marriage never really had a chance of being the wholesome, pure union it should have been and you never gave yourself a fair chance of being faithful to me.
It's just so sad you couldn't see me as a fresh start out of this deceptive, sordid life you found yourself and let yourself experience a truly loving relationship based on trust, respect, vulnerability and fidelity.
I feel sorry for you for being so untrusting, guarded and afraid but most of all I feel sorry for me and the children who deserved pure love.

I think also my counsellor made me feel that I need to show him forgiveness and I took that to mean if I couldn't I was a weak and unkind person. The truth is, I could forgive AN affair. People fuck up, that's life, but my WH has lied to me from day one until DD. He never really gave us a chance. And its the lying, consistently, for 20 whole years, the entire duration of our relationship, I cannot move past.

I think also my counsellor made me feel that I need to show him forgiveness and I took that to mean if I couldn't I was a weak and unkind person. The truth is, I could forgive AN affair. People fuck up, that's life, but my WH has lied to me from day one until DD. He never really gave us a chance. And its the lying, consistently, for 20 whole years, the entire duration of our relationship, I cannot move past.

Having the ability to recognize when enough is enough and to cut ties with a partner is not a weakness; in fact, it is an incredible strength. The idea that it is a weakness to walk away from a toxic relationship is misguided. It takes immense courage to stand up for yourself and refuse to allow others to mistreat you.

Allowing someone to abuse you over the years and then simply accepting their apologies does not demonstrate strength. It’s hard for me to see how tolerating mistreatment can be perceived as a sign of resilience. Even if they stop abusing you, it doesn't undo the damage. People often choose the path of least resistance just to keep life moving forward, rather than doing what is truly right for themselves.

That said, if I was in your shoes, I would be planning my life without him.

If you have the determination to remove an abuser from your life, you are a deeply admirable person. Ultimately, you must make the choices that feel right for you. Never let anyone tell you that you are weak for having standards and self-respect.

Has the other betrayed spouse said anything about your husband? you indicated they were friends?

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 11:20 AM, Wednesday, April 16th]

I have just through hoops the past 3 months blaming myself...I didn't give him enough attention, I spent to much time with the kids, my anxiety was to much for him, my childhood trauma affected me to much, it was my fault we had no family to babysit and give us a break from the kids, I didn't talk dirty to him, I wasn't dirty enough in the bedroom, I demanded too much, my boobs weren't big enough, I felt self conscious of my body, I wasn't a good enough wife, I want affection enough.

I have tried to change those things in past 3 months, tried be more affectionate, spent more time with him instead of my kids, let him touch my body in my self conscious areas, tried to talk dirty, be dirty in the bedroom, be more like her whilst losing myself.

All because I couldn't accept my husband isn't the man I thought he was 😞

Drsoolers - the AP and her ex husband refuse to answer my questions. He simply said it occurred 2001-2013 and he was sorry. My WH said the AP' husband was going to tell me at the time but chose not too. My WH said him and apology text then never heard from him again. I questioned this a lot but a lot of our meeting up as couples was done through AP so I just assumed he wasn't one for staying in contact. They were making a go of their lives until November 2024 he was her soulmate. She then texted me out of the blue December and said they had broken up and filed for divorce. 16th Jan she texts and tells me she has an affair with my WH and when I ask for details she said ask her husband which I do and get the answer 2001-2013 then get blocked. Two weeks later she's flaunting her new fella all over Facebook so I assume she had another affair.

Wow, I'm so sorry you are going through this. The AP sounds like a horrible person.

I can't understand why the other betrayed spouse didn't tell you nor why he's not answering you now. Maybe the AP said if you tell her she would leave and never look back but that wouldn't explain why he wouldn't open up now.

I mean, you desperately need to get out of this situation.

I really don't know why she suddenly told me. She said is her message her husband never had the balls to confront my WH so she would ... I really don't know what that means. I assume she has portrayed herself as an innocent victim in it all.

The hardest thing with WH trying to convince me he was that man but isn't now and the last 12 years old faithfulness are evidence of that.

Well do what's best for you. I couldn't over come this and don't think I'd want to.

Depends on if you think starting again is worse for you than living with someone who's done that to you.

I don't think I can over come it either but feel so conflicted as I feel unconditional love offers forgiveness 😞

I think the fact remains that if her husband hadn't have found the messages between them my WH was completely happy with us all playing happy families together and would have been forever (he has even admitted this) and this would hurt so much because I would still be being kind to this ***** and would be being hoodwinked and the chances of the affair restating at some point would have been high. My WH says he had plenty of opportunity to restart the affair if he wanted to eat h time she texted him a life update but I don't believe the chances of him sneaking onto the army base to screw her without getting lynched were high after her husband found out...he would have been a marked man and I believe he is too much of a coward to risk his job and a public beating.

I fear you are trying to make too many decisions st once. You just found out about a major issue and honestly you cannot resolve this problem without time and energy being spent on YOU.

Case in point I planned to D my H but we did end up Reconciling.

However while I told him initially I would give him another chance, it was day by day. Every day I woke up for the first year and my first thoughts were "I cannot do this. I need to D him".

Almost 365 days of that being my first thoughts. It was not good. I would have to constantly remind myself "he’s no longer that guy. He’s not the cheating jerk he was …."

I knew he was trying his best but I had to come to the decision that I could be very happy with him and our lives together would be happy. It took me years to forgive him.

Give yourself time and focus on YOU. Don’t try to make all these decisions at once.

Honestly right now his continued texting after you voiced your displeasure is a huge 🚩🚩. One that shows you his mindset.

I hope this helps you. You are seeing your reality and learning to accept he’s not the guy you thought he was. 😪

It does help 1stwife thank you. I want to focus on me, my studies and healing but he rushes me but saying he 'wants to be moving forward' or 'we are going in circles here's or I've 'covered that' and if I say I don't think I can do it he starts talking about splitting up and selling the house and how he will work more overtime if I don't want to reconcile. It feels like so much bloody pressure and the constant love bombing doesn't help. And he keeps saying he wants me to be happy and can't be happy when I am sad - well good! He doesn't deserve to be happy!

I feel he is the one getting to be present with my kids whilst I retreat to my room to cry, and I hate hearing him sitting there enjoying TV shows with them whilst I'm too depressed to do anything.
Yeah the texting things is a classic example of how little respect he has for me and I worry if I kick him out he will have a rebound fling with this colleague. I clearly don't trust him and obviously for good reason.

Evio, just ugh. I tried to be all that the other woman was too, it’s called the pick me dance. I don’t feel great about that, because i see how desperate I was for him to just love me like I thought he did. I come with the unconditional love gene, and I thought love was enough. My therapist helped me see I could not love my husband into the man he needed to be. I could not try enough, and I had already tried enough for two lifetimes. I kept trying to fix a problem that was not mine to fix. It took a while to let go of that primal urge to save my marriage at all costs.

I get to live in the group whose WH did not choose to come clean and did not choose to give up his AP. I chased her away with threats to out her in every way possible, and ended the A they would not, even after multiple DDays. Your WH and mine are not faithful out of love or respect or atonement, but fear of consequences. It is a bitter pill to live with, I know. It may be the biggest factor in my inability to move forward, knowing he did not choose me or choose to be a better man, he got forced into it. I have much less respect for him as a person because of how he handled himself and the choices he made. I gave him no reason to treat me this way and I gave him every chance to come clean and move forward in an honest, authentic relationship.

He was not ready. He may be now, but I’m not as invested in his motivations anymore. I’m sorry we both got this version of the SI story. Take care of yourself. You can make yourself crazy trying to figure out the past and the future when you aren’t quite sure what the present is. Take your time figuring out what you need and what you are willing to settle for moving forward, and give yourself grace in the process.

Edited to add that mine did the same as yours, blame me for being upset, not moving forward, ruining our chances at a happy marriage…. Don’t take that from him - just say shhhhhh. You will be happy again when you are healed from the trauma of betrayal he dumped in your lap. If he would do the minimum reading he would know how much time you will need to heal, and just how he is hindering and not helping you.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 2:47 PM, Wednesday, April 16th]

Evio, do I have this right:

Your husband had an affair for basically 12 years, 12 years ago. Along the way he has repeatedly shown you how little he truly cares about you by his actions, even here recently when you showed him what true reconcillation might look like... You found out 3 months ago and in response you have spent the last 3 months trying to improve yourself? So in other words, he blames you for the affair and you've basically expressed to him through your actions that he was right and you have things to work on (the things you listed). Meanwhile your husband has shown minimal remorse and made a pathetic attempt at rebuilding your trust. Is this the jist of it?

[This message edited by BuffaloBill at 3:24 PM, Wednesday, April 16th]

Kind of buffalo...he serving in the army with APs husband...in 2001 she kissed him at a house party whilst her husband was in other room. Next morning she got in bed with my WH and they had sex and then had sex another time. In between they sexted and she mainly shared pics of her tits.

My WH leaves army.

Roll on 2003...they are texting, he says he is bored...she sends him a pic of a tots.. sexting starts again. He sneaks onto barracks twice to have sex with her whilst kids are asleep upstairs and her husband is away.

2004 he becomes godfather father to their child (not my WH dates don't match)

2004 he has an affair with a work colleague

All this time he has a long term girlfriend.

2005 he kisses me on night out. I refuse to be OW. He splits up with partner. We start dating. I make him have std tests because of his 2004 affair. I do not know about original AP

AF and husband move abroad with army.

2009 we get married he invites Ap husband to be his best man. AP at my wedding. I have no idea of their history.

We socialise with AP and husband.

2010 I get pregnant. AP is pregnant by her husband. AP and my husband start sexting again in summer. My baby is born autumn. He then has sex 3 times in December with AP. Sexting continues whilst AF is heavily pregnant.

2011 AP gives birth...2 months later WH and her have sex 3 times. Her husband comes back from your. Sexting continues.

I am feeling low, have plastic surgery try and get more intimate with husband.

2012 - I get very ill have several op and daily nurse visits. Kids get diagnosed autism. Sexting continues until AP says no more sexting she is going to renew her vows.

We go to their house for a BBQ with kids.

We go to their vow renewal

AP and WH still texting as 'friends'

2013 - summer her husband finds texts it ends

2015 - now AP texts sporadically with life updates to him and me.

WH swears nothing went on between 2005 -2010 other than friendly texts.

Geeez I didn't think it could get worse I must've have missed the fact AP was doing this while her husband was deployed/away... New low achieved, and this makes it even more personal for me (military) so my perception is probably heavily biased. Why in the name of all things holy are you the one putting the work into this relationship these last 3 months? You've accepted this atrocity as being your fault? It would sound like you are trying to get a man that never loved you in the first place to love you now. You can't make that happen and expect to have a marriage where both of you are happy can you? Are you placing your happiness second to your unfaithful husband and family because you're convinced that the alternative would be worse?

[This message edited by BuffaloBill at 3:52 PM, Wednesday, April 16th]

And by the way... 2005-2010 "friendly texting" with your AP is cheating in my book but we can agree to disagree. It would seem he is trying to leave a door open. I also think with his history and based on statistics, it is HIGHLY unlikley you have the full story between 2001 and now. I would be shocked if he truly hasn't had other AP's in the meantime.. doesn't sound like trust, honesty, faithfulness are character traits of his.

He "swears" nothing happened... I laughed out loud.. I guess we should take his word for it.

[This message edited by BuffaloBill at 3:59 PM, Wednesday, April 16th]

Yep her husband was away serving in Afghanistan...my WH and him also toured together...I thought that made them like brothers, I was obviously wrong.

This is why I never suspected her. I did confront him about the quantity of texts between them but he just gaslit and said they were friends.

Because I knew of the affair with the work colleague in 2004 I was always a bit suspicious but he would look me in the eye and say 'i swear on the kids life I've never cheated on me your the mother of my children, I would never disrespect you like that'. When I confronted him with this on D day he said they were 'just words'. It makes it very difficult for me to believe anything he says now.

Yes, a large part of the reason I'm staying is because I'm scared of the alternative. I only have an elderly mother, no other family and few friends as we relocated a few years ago.

I am scared of weekends alone, holidays alone, sharing my kids on their birthdays and at Christmas and sharing any future grandchildren. I'm scared I'll never be loved and he might really love me despite all this and I could be throwing it away. My older kids have told me not to stay with him for them, they just want me to be happy but I feel like I'll never be happy again but if I leave I will unhappy AND lonely. I sound pathetic don't I?

[This message edited by Evio at 4:33 PM, Wednesday, April 16th]

You are at a crossroads here. And I want to suggest you do have options.

But……(isn’t there always a but) this is where YOU decide to take control of the situation.

You are nor obligated to give him an answer to anything at this time. Explain the unfair pressure he is putting you under and that when you are ready you will let him know WHEN you have made the decision. Tell him this is very new info and he cannot expect you to make a snap decision.

Here’s the crossroads. He can accept your decision or not.

If he gets angry, turns around and cheats then you know he has no intention of being monogamous etc.

If he is truly committed to R, he will understand your position and continue to prove to you, now more than ever, that he truly wants to remain faithful and happily married.

He has to start to learn he no longer controls the situation. He’s not calling the shots. It took my husband all of 3 days to get that message. He learned quickly he had no decision making when it came to me and my future.

I sound pathetic don't I?

No, you sound like you need women friends. I was also a military wife, and pretty much a lone wolf until my late 30s. I found my first batch of girlfriends via PTA. Then book club. Then roller derby. Being part of a band of strong women brings a lot of confidence to one's life. Does seeking that out sound like something you'd want to do?

I'm not a military wife, he left the army and is now in police.

I had loads of women friends at the time but we moved away and left them and I dedicated all my time and energy to my family and worked around his shifts.

I do need women friends but struggle to open up to friends. I spent every spare minute with my WH, kids and dogs and put my own needs bottom of the pile 😞

I would like to start making more friends definitely.