SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was here many years ago when my then husband cheated. We reconciled but he did it again. We eventually divorced.

Fast forward 10 years. The man I’ve been with since WS (46)

My gut initially started tingling. He was on his phone a lot. Told myself he’d never do that. Then yesterday when I walked in he was on messenger and immediately swiped it away…but I’d seen and so asked him about it.

He hesitated, but ultimately knew I’d seen the same, so admitted it was the woman he’d lost his virginity to….so I asked why on earth was he messaging her. He said casually that they just message each other on their bdays and randomly - just superficial! Hmmm it’s been 30 years so if you’re STILL messaging then it’s not superficial.

He makes out im overreacting- there’s nothing in it, she lives in England (we’re in Scotland but she lives in the area where he’s from and has family)

I ask if they’ve ever met or had plans to meet? No, he says, never!

My gut is screaming so today when he went to work I opened his laptop and went into messsnger.

Oh the messages were all about their connection, how they maybe couldn’t have the ideal connection but something was better than nothing….that he would always be there for her, she goes on about how she thinks of him daily, there’s one where he pleads with her not to block him, to keep chatting. Then remvy he was asking to meet up - he was down there seeing family. She couldn’t make it (it was a last minute trip) so he then tells her he’s planning on making it a monthly thing and they can meet up then!!

There were alot of deleted messages and there has been lots of calls. I obviously don’t know the content.

When confronted he went ballistic. Screaming and shouting, called me crazy, paranoid, tgat I was the one betraying him by going through his messages. Then after a while he was begging and pleading with me.

Then he said he just went along with her to appease her as she had poor mental
Health and often spoke about ending her life. He said he never told me because he didn’t want me worrying and not trusting him!!

He then circled back to anger and said that he’d done nothing wrong and that the messages were not inappropriate because they weren’t sexual!

Now, I’ve been cheated on by my ex husband so I’m highly sensitive to this. But to me this is an emotional affair…potentially involving photos/phone sex as I can’t see the deleted content. Or am I over reacting?!

I’m sorry MJ, it has a lot of the hallmarks of an EA. I don’t think you’re overreacting. The secrecy indicates that he knows you wouldn’t approve. He lied about it just being on birthdays and randomly. So you have secrecy, lies, and then a helping of DARVO.

You have every right to be upset. He needs to be educated about EAs and boundaries need to be established. That chick needs to be blocked and NC’d posthaste. He can care about her mental health or yours, choice is his.

Sorry MJ.

Thanks

I just can’t believe I’m back dealing with this. And even though he’s not slept with her, it’s still incredibly painful and triggering.

He blocked her without me asking but I don’t think it’s enough. It’s easy to unblock someone. And I now no longer trust him.

He has a place of his own so I kicked him out.

Worst of all he doesn’t think that it’s a big deal, because it’s not sexual!

He had the nerve to compare it to a male friend I have - who he knows about as ive always been transparent (this guy was a friend of my ex husband who’s fiancée cheated on him - and we found messages between her and my now ex husband! and he helped me through the divorce - we very occasionally catch up with a coffee but it’s completely platonic, always in public and never hidden - and my partner has never voiced any discomfort about it until now. I haven’t seen him actually for over 2 years!)

He has lots of female friends/aquaintences (he previously worked in a very female dominated industry) . In spite of my history, I always trusted him.

His reaction too was scary. He screamed so loudly and was pounding the worktops with his fist. It was scary. He looked possessed.

I didn’t recognise him.

This just sucks. I keep thinking about what would/could have happened if she had been able to meet him that day 😫 and I keep rereading the messages. Ugh!