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Today I decided to check the phone bill. Today I was hit in the face with exactly much he was talking to her. Hours and hours. Someone once told me "if to go looking for hurt, you’ll find it". I guess that’s the truth.

Sk70:

I'm very sorry to hear about your discovery. Its a traumatic realization and your pain is justified. Its true, ignorance is bliss, but the truth will set you free.

I found out about my wife's affair via phone records as well. She talked to her affair partner for over 283 hours in one calendar year... it's unbelievable.

Keep your head up. There is a lot of knowledge and experience on this forum to help you through this trauma. I wish you the best moving forward.

I did the same thing after confronting my wife.

Not as many hours as you found, but still enough to hurt.

Sorry you're here, but at least you've got a supportive group of people here with you.

He broke his commitment to not drink. That was my fault too. I guess I drove him to it by sharing the bad day I was having. I told him if he contacts her we’re over. Please someone hold me to this.

He broke his commitment to not drink. That was my fault too. I guess I drove him to it by sharing the bad day I was having.

I'm pretty sure you know that's bullshit and you're saying this sarcastically, but just in case I'm here to tell you that's bullshit. I know alcoholism. I was one for most of my life, and in another life was involved with one who was worse than I was. He drank because he wanted to. You are NEVER at fault for his drinking. Period. End of story.

I told him if he contacts her we’re over. Please someone hold me to this.

You may want to start considering maybe it's already over. He has a lot of work to do and from what I've seen you type he isn't putting nearly enough effort into it.

I just don’t want to believe that. Does that make me stupid, I guess. We’ve had what I thought was some really good progress. Until today when drinking became more important than working on us.

You're not stupid. You love and trusted your husband and he betrayed you. It's further complicated by his addiction to alcohol.

Most of us want to trust and believe our spouses. It means you're a human with feelings. None of this is your fault.

I think it's normal for all BS's to feel like fools at some point after discovery, but we're not fools, we are people who implicitly trusted the one person in our life that we thought would always have our back and would never do anything to hurt us.

That's what you're supposed to be able to do with the person you love. You're supposed to be able to confess your deepest secrets, your desires, your fantasies, your fears, your successes, your failures, and no matter what they are right there with you.

BTW, I discovered that text messages between Apple phones do not go through your cell phone carrier, they go through Apple servers thus no record if you look at your phone bill. I almost gave up after looking at my wife's cell phone log but thankfully I checked her tablet in the middle of the day while she was at work. Thankfully her tablet was still synced to her phone so I saw what she was doing.

She was clever enough to delete their sexting before leaving work in case I looked at her phone but not clever enough to unsync her tablet from her phone. Had I not looked at that tablet I might still be in the dark and who knows how far her affair would have progressed

You are not a fool, you are a person who loved your spouse and your love was taken for granted and abused

[This message edited by WB1340 at 1:51 AM, Friday, July 10th]

Today I am choosing to focus on me and my well-being. I can no longer sit in the chaos he created. I need to be ok and I’ve not been. I’ve let everything he chooses rule my emotions and me. Today I choose a different path. I made promises to myself yesterday and I kept them. Today when he reaches out I will be busy (he is out of town until tomorrow) I refuse to accept anything that brings me down today. I deserve better

His being out of town is the perfect time to have close friends/family help collect his things and move them to a storage unit. Leave the key in an envelope, change the locks on your house, and be done with him.

Icedover, I agree. But, I’m not going to do his work for him. Today is the first day I’ve gotten some perspective and I need to sit with it. He texted me and I’ve told him I’m not in a place to have a conversation. He won’t destroy my peace today. I have a very clear conscience and know I will be ok. He can live in his chaos, I refuse to. I’m done thinking anything I do is going to repair us. I’m now going to repair me.

"if to go looking for hurt, you’ll find it"

While this is true - I do understand. I didn't look at phone bills until a long time after DDay. I was shocked. He talked to LTAP more in one day than he did me in a month. That's on him.

He broke his commitment to not drink. That was my fault too.

You know his behavior being your fault is utter bullshit. Juts because he tries to throw the blame on your doesn't mean you have to catch it.

Does that make me stupid, I guess.

No - it makes you compassionate. Him taking advantage of that is 100% on him.

We’ve had what I thought was some really good progress. Until today when drinking became more important than working on us.

Also 100% on him. That's his damage.

The only thing you can do now is make some tough decisions. And you can take your time making them.

SK70,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, try not to fixate on how long they talked and what that means because it doesn't really mean anything. My wife logged over 30 hours a month in phone calls for the 3 months prior to me finding out. That doesn't include texts, facetime sexting videos or calls from her job. It's insane the level of obsession some affairs take.

It sounds like you're making some classic codependency mistakes by trying to save him from himself. It's never going to work unfortunately, it may seem like it is for a while but it'll just repeat.

He's got to fix himself and it's time for you to work on yourself and hit him with a dose of reality by separating. He's got two addictions he has to break - the affair and the alcoholism. Let him hit rock bottom.

You can pray for him but it's time to stop helping him.
I will be praying for you and your family. You CAN get through this.