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My wife and I were discussing what my expectitions are and will be in the future. We’re about a year out from dday. One of the things I expect once we have reconciled is sex. I haven’t made any demands for sex. I specifically said that I don’t expect sex any time soon. I know this is a long process and I wouldn’t expect sex for at least another year. I do at some point expect our relationship to become sexual again however. If she doesn’t intend to ever have sex with me ever again that is a problem for me and I don’t think we can have a mutually fulfilling relationship if that is the case. I have not made any demands on frequency or when this would begin to occur. Just for context I was overly sexually demanding on my wife and my hypersexuality and sex addiction was absolutely part of my infidelity. My wife previously felt pushed to have sex with me. I am in IC now and am not sexually acting out now. No porn, masturbation, or sexual activity unless my wife is involved now. Here’s my question, does my eventual expectation of sex constitute a threat in your opinion? The threat implied is that my wife feels that I am threatening divorce. I was a liar and didn’t make my expectations clear before. I need to be sure not to make that mistake ever again and making expectations clear is super important. Thanks.

[This message edited by Regretfulbetrayer at 3:13 AM, Thursday, April 2nd]

I am a WW. I do not see sex as a "threat"....I am not sure I'd use the word "sex" as a descriptor. My impression is that you believe a marriage should have intimacy, and I would agree with that. Do not know the details of your history, but a timetable on when does seem like a threat. One thing I learned is that reconciliation requires healing. My BH and I never really talked about intimacy, it happened frankly when he was ready. I wanted to remain in my marriage, so I waited until he was ready. It takes time.

Amy44 you’re right that intimacy is what I am looking for. I have used sex as a gateway to intimacy. If something happened and my wife could no longer perform the physiological sexual acts that wouldn’t be a problem for me. The inherent intimacy of a loving relationship is what I need and as far as I can tell that’s is likely what she finds my need of to be a threat of divorce. I am not and will not push her into anything. I hope in time there is room in her heart for that intimacy with me. I set no time limit on her healing. I had no right to ask that she heal from such a wound I had no right to give. I would never set parameters on that which I had no right to ask of her. Just the same, that I communicate that need as an eventual expectation is construed as a threat of divorce. To be fair I didn’t communicate it at the time so well as this. My emotional IQ is awful. I have better explained since posting the question. To the best of my knowledge it remains seen as a threat. I broke the intimate connection and to expect one with her in the future is seen as a threat. Am I unreasonable in saying that eventually I will need intimacy and sex? I cannot honestly say that I can live the rest of my life without it. How can I?

[This message edited by Regretfulbetrayer at 5:02 AM, Thursday, April 2nd]

I do not think any relationship can thrive without intimacy; however, I think your timing of the discussion is off. I do not think my wife is in place where we can have a productive discussion about what our long-term intimacy will be and we are six months post DDay. We are trying to both heal and intimacy is just one of many on a long list of issues we are navigating. I firmly believe intimacy will eventually be better than it was before my infidelity because we are getting much better at expressing our needs to each other (very low bar as this was not something we did at all before). I think like any new relationship (and I consider our relationship new as I dropped a nuke on our previous one) I think intimacy is a natural part of building a relationship. It will come with time, but discussing it prematurely is not going to be productive.

I think you mindset is right so maybe reframing the delivery is best. I told my wife I totally understand what my actions have done to our marriage including intimacy and have no timetable on when or if we can recover that, but we will navigate this together like all the other issues we are working on. I think you have the same thinking based on your post minus the end game (ie if we do not eventually get there you do not see a future for the marriage).