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I recently asked my WW, "what do you want from me?" She said, "I don’t know."

I feel like that about says it all.

Not sure how we can be in MC or reconciliation, or a marriage even, if my WW doesn’t even know what she wants.

We have another MC session scheduled this week and I think I’m going to kick it off with, "If she can’t tell me what she wants, there’s no point in going to MC."

Am I nuts? Am I missing something?

I think the answer to the test is "I want you." Or maybe, "I don’t want you." But "I don’t know" should not be a considered a viable answer, should it?

I mean even if someone doesn’t know what they want in a marriage or from their spouse, then shouldn’t they at least be saying, "I don’t want you to hurt anymore?"

Help it make sense.

[This message edited by 4characters at 9:18 PM, Monday, October 27th]

I generally don’t find MC helpful until both parties have recovered. As a ws, I will say it took me a full year to get my mind straight. I was in therapy, posting here, reading, praying…

I know that time hurt my husband maybe even more than the affair did. But I was incapable of healing faster than that. It was something I did to myself for certain, but it didnt make it easier for me to unwind it.

We did MC for a very short time and quit until after I was better equipped to work on our relationship. That doesn’t mean I think you should wait, nor does it mean your wife will ever get her head straight or do what she needs to do to be your wife. So it’s not advice towards what to do about it really- more just to agree this may not be the right time to work on the marriage- only you can decide what that means.

I find that often bs’s work very hard trying to reconcile in year one but honestly until one reconciles themselves first it’s an exercise in exhaustion from my point of view.

I prayed daily to be what my husband needed, but in reality I needed to put really examine myself from many angles and start putting together the woman I wanted to be from the disjointed place I had found myself at and then decide what it was that woman wanted.

That doesn’t mean I think a bs needs to suffer through that period of time, but if you choose to stay during it, it has to be from a place of self respect and detachment. It should be you also putting back the pieces of yourself and deciding from that place what it is you want. A very tall order for someone who has been incredibly traumatized, and with no real safety net on whether that is even going to be worth it.

First year is almost always recovery- and that’s why you start seeing divorces after that time- it’s because the rate these two individuals get that work done can vary greatly. If the ws does the work and shows that on time, sometimes it can be saved. Or you see cases where the bs has healed and can finally see their spouse from an objective standpoint.

Reconciliation is possible but it’s almost a miracle that people can hold it together long enough while both people heal. My husband asked me for a divorce in month 10. And looking back it’s really no wonder. Put on your oxygen mask, and yes I would put MC on hold.

It’s a problem you are even asking her that question. It’s like you still see her as the prize to be won.

Can you answer the question of what you want from her? If so, are you getting it? If not, what are you going to do about it?

Yes, I can answer what I want from her. To stop calling the marriage a mistake, to show vulnerability, to be committed to the vows she took.

No, she’s not providing any of that.

I’ve told her we’re getting a divorce unless these things change. If I won the lottery today, I’d file tomorrow.

But since I don’t have that kind of financial freedom, I have to do what makes the most sense for everyone involved. Suffer through it until I can afford to divorce.

[This message edited by 4characters at 9:48 PM, Monday, October 27th]

Then why are you going to MC?

As myself and others have pointed out many times before, MC is pointless when only one partner is willing is invested it.

Yes, I can answer what I want from her. To stop calling the marriage a mistake, to show vulnerability, to be committed to the vows she took.

You're asking her for things that she can't or doesn't want to provide. She has demonstrated that repeatedly.

I think the answer to the test is "I want you." Or maybe, "I don’t want you."

She has answered that question. She thinks the marriage was a mistake. She doesn't have sex with you. She goes out of her way to spend as little time with you as possible. If that doesn't say "I don't want you," then I don't know what does.

The only reason she is is giving you a shred of hope by saying "I don't know" and going through the motions of MC is because divorce would be a struggle for her, too. Keeping you around as a second paycheck, maid, and babysitter while she comes and goes as she pleases (such as 4-hour+ "nature walks") is much easier for her than being a single mother of 5 kids who has to manage a household on her own.

But who knows... if she finds a soft place to land, she might end up filing for divorce when you least expect it. So instead of waiting to win the lotto, or trying to force your wife to engage in a reconciliation process that she clearly has no interest in, focus on yourself in IC and work on your exit plan.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:17 PM, Monday, October 27th]

"what do you want from me?" is a pretty aggressively framed question.

"what kind of marriage do you want with me?" alone might help.

I am a believer in Occam's Razor. The simplest explanations are often the best. I also believe in yanking the band-aide off.

Don't FOOL yourself man. Your WW has NO respect for you nor herself. No need for long-winded explanations on how it's likely gonna take time for her to get it--these just cause you more delusion (we've ALL been there by the way) due to the hopium hit, and get you to waste more time and energy.

I mean c'mon...would YOU treat anyone you truly love, the way WW is treating you? Exactly.

You'd best cut your losses now. Then this leaves you free to find someone who actually values you the right way. Or at least or as I SHOULD HAVE said most importantly, break free from the toxicity that is yout WW. You can learn to love and respect yourself again.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 2:10 AM, Tuesday, October 28th]

My advice is to stop asking her what she wants and start telling her what you want and what she needs to do, or else. By you repeatedly asking her what do you want you are giving her all of the Power. Stop. Start setting boundaries, start telling her what she has to do to save the relationship, or else.

Until you start doing this what motivation does she have to change?

WB1340

My advice is to stop asking her what she wants and start telling her what you want and what she needs to do, or else.

In order for "or else" to have any meaning, 4characters would need to be willing to follow through on whatever that "or else" is, which he's not. The last time he threatened divorce, she called his bluff.

He's already communicated is needs and done all he can do. That's why he needs to take his hand off the wheel, focus on himself and his kids, and start doing whatever he needs to do to make divorce viable-- which means both emotionally disengaging from his wife and preparing financially for the split. As for his relationship, his only goal should be peaceful cohabitation until he's ready to leave.

If, during this time, his wife has an epiphany and decides she wants to work on the marriage, great. But if not, then the next time he utters the word "divorce" should be when serving her with the papers.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:29 PM, Tuesday, October 28th]

Agree with blue. Right now she is not in it emotionally. If there would be any compliance it would probably be for the same reason he states staying- financial concerns.

He is better off to do what blue is saying here because then he will at least have her acting honestly and that can help him to see things more objectively. This will tell him if there is a true change of heart, or he will be able to accept that she is not returning to the marriage with any emotional investment.

Lack of emotional investment isn’t always indicative of future results, but you have to go with what is happening in the present.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:45 PM, Tuesday, October 28th]