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I feel that my husband is distancing himself from me.
The truth is, he never fully stood by me in the way I needed him to.
For three and a half years I’ve been asking him to be the one to start a conversation — something he’s never been able to do.
Yet when I was the one who spoke, he never avoided discussing anything and everything. He tried, in his own way, to show me every day that he loved me, even when my reactions were very harsh.

But over the past month, I feel him pulling away.
He has a lot of work.
He changed careers halfway through the year of the affair.
Six months later the affair ended and we embarked on the road to reconciliation .
He told me everything; I fell apart, but because of the new job, there’s never been enough time for us to reconnect.or at least not as much time as i wanted. but i was patient.
Now, The more time passes, the better he does at work, and even though I’m truly happy and proud of him, the truth is that he spends endless hours working.
Today he’s received another big job offer.

Five years ago, I would have supported him with all my heart.
But over the past three years, I have been the one who needed him.
And even if he wants to be there for me, as he says, I need him to speak to me gently, with empathy.
Instead, today and yesterday he was hard.
He even admits it now — and it shows, he is angry.

I told him that if he feels this way, he should try to be patient for one more year, until our younger child starts high school, so that we can separate afterwards.
He said he’s doing all this to provide for us, and especially for the children, "whom he puts first, just like I do."

After all that, we realized we’re speaking different languages.
And I left.
I went to an apartment to spend the night.
I have no idea what I feel.
But I do know that what he feels — is so little…

I must also add that since the moment i decided to reconcile i felt bellitled, humiliated, and ...less than... so i started a journey in order to become someone that i am proud of, that he is proud of, and of course to do something that would help me get through the constant ruminations... today he told me that he supported me and that he needed the same support. i answered that i ve been supporting to his long hours in his job . But this is a SECOND job. It meand more hours. I dont want money, i want him. And even if he wants to do that there are better ways to speak to me than being upset because I want his time...

{{Hugs}}

R is hard. I'm sorry you're not feeling heard.

Why do you have to wait for your youngest to be in HS? That's just another year that you'll be treated this way.

Have you checked with a lawyer or barrister to see how things will look if you D/S?. You may want to check just to gather knowledge.

Sorry you're hurting.

Phosphorescent,

Work can be a very seductive avoidance mechanism. The person doing it can feel justified, possibly even superior, by advancing his or her family economically. It is even possible that in his mind he is making himself be the good guy for providing and you the bad guy for interfering with his efforts to provide for his family. Of course, if he’s thinking this way it is 100 percent BS!

When it comes to reconciling after an affair, avoidance is apt to prolong or destroy the process. I say this because, though my wife does it differently, she is very avoidant of anything that is either physically or mentally painful. That avoidance pushed our reconciliation timeline from what could have been a few years to a few decades. My suggestion is that you risk his harshness and call him out on his avoidant behavior.

Asterisk

I really don’t know where we stand. I don’t think he does either. I never sought legal advice. Although I was ready to flee in the summer of 2022. Legal advice for what? I still trusted (and I am purposefully using the word trust here) that he wouldn’t be petty. So, I chose to trust some things because any attempt to reconcile was otherwise futile in my mind. And he was adamant that I am the one for him. He still is. But….
Asterisk I think that you used the right word to what we are experiencing, although my husband would partially disagree. Avoidance. He would disagree because he states that he always discusses things. He’s right. In assuming some responsibility here, I think that sometimes you have to just let it go for a minute,and have some fun which is a good thing in rebuilding. I know I let go of ruminating sometimes but not enough. But I also know that the time that is left for us during the day,the week or the month to connect is excruciatingly short. I am alone with my thoughts. And whenever I am sad, he is like a deer with headlights on him. And I am bothered by the fact that I come as the one that always puts us in the same discussion.

It is rare that cheaters will initiate a conversation about the affairs or cheating etc.

Avoidance is their typical MO

You are at a point where you need to decide if that is a dealbreaker for you. And if it is, then you take the necessary steps to get to a place where you are happy.

Or you could look at it this way (which works for me).

Cheaters have no idea the impact an affair has on the betrayed. They think (typically) the BS will"get over it" in a month or two.

Cheaters would 💗 (love) to sweep this under the rug. Again it’s part of the avoidance strategy.

And lastly, cheaters are often cowards. Afraid to bring up the affair. Afraid to confront the elephant in the room. It’s like people who try to avoid facing the death in a family — if I don’t bring it up, no one will cry or be upset and we can have a nice day.

It’s NOTHING to do with you. It’s everything to do with how cheaters tend to behave.

I can tell you I was very unhappy at year 3 of Reconciliation. I kept waiting to feel better. Happier. Less sad. Less impacted by my H’s affair.

And that’s when I realized I need to heal myself. I need to accept him for who and what he is and while he was very remorseful and doing everything possible to make amends, he was a guy who was kicking me to the curb for a much younger woman.

And that was the point where I started feeling better. Acceptance was my first step. Acknowledging my H wasn’t going to be able to give me 100% of what I needed made me realize I needed to give myself what I needed if I was going to stay married.

From there I saw a big shift in myself and I just started feeling better — less stressed, happier, at peace etc.

I hope this helps you.

Well things haven’t been going great. Let me fill you in.

First of all, my husband as I said works in a great job. and he is a manager. I am invited to certain events of his work. They make me sit on a different table than him (two times that has happened and the second time I was far far away). The rest of his coworkers don’t bring husbans and wives. So because he is charming charismatic etc they want to aim at him making pr. I feel that but placing me in a table on the other side of the room with complete strangers is like a statement "don't come". The first time I was really angry and annoyed. The second time I also discussed it maybe aggressively. In the end, even if I go to these events because my husband stated from the beginning of this upheal reconciliation that he would take me everywhere, in a subsequent conversation last week, about our limited time together, he said that he looks everything through the filter of his indiscretion, even the fact that I complain about what I described above. He said that he expects me being angry and that stresses him. I, on the other hand, told him that I was expecting that we would have a rational conversation where he sees my point, that he understands that I am not a starved person, I don’t need their food and for f###sake if I can’t be there, I don’t want either to be there.

That same day he had brought me flowers. Now he promised that he would bring flowers every week and at some point, last year or the year before, I dont really remember but it was early on, I said I didn’t want him to bring flowers everytime we fight, plus I hated that the flowers were dying. He said he wouldn’t stop. But he did. Than, two months ago, I brought that up, saying that he promised to bring flowers evey week. He said that I asked him not to. You see where I get with that….

Anyways after telling me that he is stressed and that he filters everything through his indiscretion, even the above conversation about where his job colleagues make me sit, the following day he came to me with this job offer. And he was angry. Let’s say tense. I say all this to conclude to what I said to him too. He is like he is reverting to his state of mind when he was cheating. I know he isn’t cheating, but he has the same thought processes. So I proposed, as I always do, for him to read here. To go to therapy. Not because I say so , but because he understands the need for it.

We almost called it quits last week during this conversation and at some point he said that he never had pleasure during sex with any woman. He repeated that phrase three times. I was devastated (not to mention the thoughts that crossed my mind). We parted ways and when he came back (he again made the first step, and I am not saying that as a victory but rather as something that I examine...) he explained that all he thinks during his entire sex life, is about pleasing the other one. He also said that he realises that he wants everything, job wise (but maybe not only job wise) the way he wants it. He said a lot. We hugged although this time the "happy" ending didn’t follow this conversation because…how could I?

After that, we are miles away from each other. Yesterday and the day before I said to him how far apart I feel we are and also told him that this particular phrase hit hard. That after dday I made a mental effort to not compare myself with the ow. I never had doubts or insecurities about my sexuality and I wasn’t going to let his decisions control my thoughts in this area. Not in this area. And I told him that 3 years later,here we are and I am put in the same phrase with all his sexual partners from the beginning of time, and most importantly till this day after dday. And the fact that there was no further discussion for a week, during which of course there is no time, didn't help either. Now I am enrolled in a second degree so I don’t want to complain without acknowledging that we both make choices. And he supports me, but am I supporting him? But, what he said was hard and leaving me with a short explanation doesn’t add much to my psyche.

As I write those things and reread them, I understand that I sometimes have a childish behaviour, but then again maybe not. I need advice and most importantly I think I also need to go back to IC….

[edited because rereading it didn't make sense...]

[This message edited by Phosphorescent at 10:42 AM, Friday, October 24th]

The1st wife, at first I thought that your advice is sound and I wanted to follow it, but in order for me to do that I need reassurance and certainly I am at a point that I don’t know what reassurance would suffice to counteract what he said. I took it as a personal attack. As I did when he confessed the affair 😔.

I honestly can’t thank you enough for all your input …..

[This message edited by Phosphorescent at 7:19 AM, Friday, October 24th]

I’m sorry you are stuck in this loop.

If I can ask, what are you looking for — his time and effort with you, dialogue with him, ability to feel safe?

I’m not a therapist so don’t think I have the answers. But I see an issue that spills over into your marriage. The flowers - no flowers issue highlighted the breakdown of your relationship. And it seems you are both having trouble communicating and meeting expectations.

IMO he wants to rug sweep and you want to talk about the affair. I just don’t know how you can meet in the middle.

What if for one week you didn’t talk about it. Take a break from it for 7 days. While you might think that keys him "win" or gives him a pass, I’m wondering if it would give you both some relief from the stress of it all.

What do you think?

I haven't talk about it. It's been a week now. And my discussion isn't so much about the affair. It's about us. Him, me.... We don't have time, that's a fact for more than three years..... And that is not because of me....It' s his job that he changed during the affair because he wanted "to change everything". Although, I supported him back then, even though I could feel something was wrong (it was quite obvious honestly), but I DIDN'T KNOW!!!! And after six months I had to deal with this shit, his confession, plus the fact that he wasn't available because of the new job requirements. I needed time. I still do. And care. And empathy.
And on the other hand, he's been there for me everytime, in every meltdown....