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I am approaching the 1 year mark in less than a week. I know that I am relatively still early on in the healing process but I am struggling. My WS and I are still attempting to reconcile. I am finding that the good days are getting a little easier and I am able to deal with the emotions a bit better or the intrusive thoughts however - on the flip side - I am finding that the spiraling days are worse. On the good days, I am happy with my decision to reconcile. I can see the good in my WS and I love the life we have built for us and our kids. However, on the bad days, I am so sad or angry or disgusted with my WS and I have a hard time wanting to be around him. It gets so bad that I begin questioning whether or not I even want to still R. Then the spiraling ends I can feel myself returning to "normal".
He is in therapy and has explored the whys of his cheating and has employed tactics to keep his mind in the clear and to make good, moral choices but isn't always consistent. This is the part that I have trouble with. He was always inconsistent in our relationship before - He would show up and be present but it would only be temporary and then he would go back. I am seeing a lot of the same pattern with his changes towards me now and it is a little triggering. His therapist is calling him on it and he is recognizing that he needs to really work at this but not enough time has passed to see if he is following through out not. There's even some basic stuff like I love physical affection (so does he) but yet he can't show me anything even though I have voiced time and time again how much I crave it.

I am not sure if my spiraling is related to his behaviour or my continued processing what has happened and it's just yet another stage to get through. Any similar experiences or advice would be very much appreciated.

The first 'antiversary' is very difficult for a lot of us. I was a wreck from the 1st antiversary of the PA through that of d-day. Strangely, d-day itself was freeing for me. I was a wreck in 2012 and 2013, too, but less of a wreck each year.

So your spiraling might just be your response to the runup to d-day. At the same time, it takes more than a year for most of us to regain a decent level of equilibrium, especially since a year just isn't enough time to know that your WS will stay the course.

I was fortunate enough to be working out of town on my one year D-Day anniversary. I talked to my wife that night and she asked me how I'm doing and I said I'm doing okay. Neither of us verbally called out what the day was but both of us knew what it was and honestly I'm glad I wasn't around her because I didn't want to be

I have a harder time trying to celebrate my wedding anniversary because my wife says she isn't sure exactly when she and her AP started talking, which I think is complete BS and a lie, but it's quite possible they were already talking when our 20th anniversary rolled around.

Our 21st anniversary rolled around about 5 months after I found out and my wife had the audacity to be upset with me that I had no desire to celebrate. In the past she would get upset about something and I would think I was wrong and she was right and I would acquiesce but at 5 months I was starting to see and think a lot clearer and I simply held my ground so we simply exchanged a couple of small gifts and that was the extent of it

When our 21st was rolling around we were at a marital counseling session and my wife was pleading her case to the therapist saying it should be very important to both of us to celebrate every anniversary and I said where was this desire to celebrate our anniversary in the past?

We have never celebrated our anniversaries. My wife said well you brought up the idea of us going away to celebrate our 20th but that never happened and I said because when I brought up the idea you said we don't have enough time to put a trip like that together so I let go of the idea and then I retorted with why didn't you, instead of just saying no there's no time, offer up an alternative?

My wife just sat there in stunned silence so then I asked could you have done that and she finally had to say yes. I said once again you left it in my lap to make something happen and when it didn't it was all my fault but you are more than content to just sit back and let me take care of everything and then make it my fault when something doesn't happen