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I am a BW and Dday was nearly 2 years ago and involved double betrayal from two close friends. I have been in IC and MC since dday. My H has done everything that he should in recovery and continues to be remorseful and committed. My only complaint is that now nearly 2 years later he doesn’t always (but sometimes does well) check in on my well being about this all enough, but we have been working on that in MC and IC.

I have felt stuck since about January. I had made a lot of progress towards healing but I have a lingering sadness that comes and goes about what H and my friends did to me and can be pretty intense at times. I have been searching for the key to getting unstuck since January both with my IC and in reflection and reading on my own. I can’t seem to find it.

I am tiring of trying to heal myself as I do not see I am making forward movement and starting to feel more hopelessness and despair. Any advice on how I figure out how to get unstuck? I don’t know what to do and am in a place where I am starting to not even want to try and just want to be left alone. I have no desire to trust any human again and honestly feel much more powerful in this untrusting mindset. Maybe that is blocking me, but I see no way to get myself willing to trust.

Read from the Healing Library about the POLF - Plane of Lethal Flatness. That hit me about the 2 year mark. And it was a difficult sojourn.
The shock and awe has worn off, much of the dust has settled and the reality is sinking in.
During this time, I did a lot of soul searching, self discovery and took the time to imagine my various futures [both with and without WH].

While you can't rush the journey through the POLF - you can do a few things

•Recognize it for what it is
•Realize this is part of the process
•Feel the feels – if you need to cry you cry, if you need to rage you rage (appropriately – think batting cages or tennis), if you need to up your self care you up your self care (remember, self care is not selfish)
•If you need to be among people do it
•If you need to be alone do it
•Find an inexpensive release – mine was coffee. I’d go to a coffeeshop and get a cup (cheap for me as I drink it black). I’d slowly sip and savor. I’d let my mind go blank. I’d people watch. But for the duration of that cup I’d have a mini mental break
•Word search books [or Soduko or crossword or adult coloring books] They have inexpensive ones at Dollar Tree and Five Below
•Find a good distraction – walking, jogging, yoga, dancing like no one is watching, movie, book, knitting or crochet [you can make something useful and stab with a stick at the same time – my local cold weather shelter got a lot of hats and scarves one year]
•Find what makes you feel bad ass and bullet proof – with me it is sparkly undies and I will wear them under sweats even while scrubbing the toilet. I wear sparkly lip gloss just to run mundane errands. I have a cheap bracelet I got off Amazon and inside it ways "keep fucking going". I wear it on days I need the reminder.
•Pray (or whatever version of prayer works for you if you aren’t religious) – meditate, affirmations, etc. I found it so soothing and I wasn’t alone. I also may have worn down a few rosary beads in the process

These are just a few things that work for me. You will have to find yours. And in the process you may discover a new hobby or rediscover an old one.

((Hugs))

Chaos-Thank you very much as this is very helpful. Do you mind me asking how long you spent in the POLF? I feel like I have been in this state for far too long (9 months).

What chaos said!

For me it was time and lots of self care. Trying to be in the present. Understanding that my FWH who did all the right things....was human....and might not do a right thing occasionally....and being able to work through that together.

Hang in there.

I’m about two years out and feel that flatness a lot, interspersed with some good days and other days that I’m overwhelmed by sadness or anger.

I know what you mean about feeling more powerful when you’re untrusting. Being vulnerable to someone who betrayed you can really mess with your mind. But vulnerability is necessary if the relationship is going to be repaired or renewed in any healthy way. It’s a piece of the reconciliation puzzle I haven’t figured out yet.

Hugs. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. A double betrayal in particular.

Maybe you need medication to combat depression or something like that.

Maybe it’s time to say to yourself I’m going to stop living in the past and letting the affair control your life. You faced a double or triple betrayal and that is hard to survive.

Healing is a conscious decision you make everyday. It is not easy. We all know that.

I’ve had to accept my H was kicking me to the curb to be w/ the OW. The plotting that went on behind my back was devastating.

I had to force myself to be happy for years in front of my kids. Until I decided I had enough and deserved to be happy. t that fine I decided I was not going to let the affair negatively impact me for one more second.

And I dug myself out of the warp I was in.

I hope this helps you.

EVERY SINGLE THING CHAOS SAID!!!!!! f

It's tough when you get here, because you feel like life should be good now, but there is this thorn in your side, and sometimes that bastard hurts like hell and other days it's just an annoyance, but it is always there.

One thing that helped me to get MY Mojo back was to learn some new skills/hobbies that I had always wanted to learn, but never had the time, money, or inclination to do.
1. Learned how to ride a street bike, and was going to get my license.
2. Got Scuba certified and planned and went on a bucket list trip.
3. Started spending money on myself for my hair to be professionally done every 6 weeks.
4. Taking time for just me. This was a tough one as I was horribly CoD. Now if I want to go do something on my own, or take a me day, I do it.
5. Became a beekeeper, and together w/ my H started a fairly profitable family business.

All these things made me feel empowered, and gave me the confidence that even if the wheels fell off my M again, I would be able to walk away and know I would be just fine. It let me let go of the outcome.

Yes to what Chaos and tushnurse said. I can't tell you how long I spent in the POLF because I churned through some of the stages several times. I think two major bouts of numb, nothing really matters, which started to scare me because it can get comfy in there. I hate the sad and mad phases, and am trying to live in the tushnurse bucket list space now. I am also CoD, nurturing, giving and never knew how to be selfish. I am learning and it's great. I indulge my love for music with noise cancelling earbuds and whatever music catches my ear and anything that catches my interest: Concerts, photography, farmers markets, museums, waterfalls, nature hikes, kayaking, gardening, growing cut flowers, learning how many yummy kinds of wine and honey and bread and vegetables are in the world, learning how amazing a swedish massage or an hour of yoga is for my mental health. I've taken to monitoring my sleep with a fit bit and strive for the best balanced night of sleep I can get. I play word games, read, whatever distracts my mind and I try to keep my old body moving and planning the next adventure. I do whatever I can to remind myself I'm alive and embrace life. I still get sad and sometimes its a lot to take, but it is getting easier with time and the distractions help. I wish the same for you and every new hobby or interest that brings you joy.

Something that used to be a trigger for me is also a source of joy now - photos. Those random memories from the A times would slay me, so I turned them off and don't look in the darkest places yet. But the pics I've taken of my adventures or lovely things I've seen and done, they just reminded me this summer that although I would tell you the last five years have been the hardest of my life, I also see many moments of joy and beauty and fun and it's good to pay attention to them and gather as many as you can.

I think getting unstuck is a lot about finding yourself and realizing you aren't your marriage and your marriage isn't all you are, and there is so much to be hopeful about that has zero to do with the circumstances you find yourself in. Good luck to you moving through the journey to somewhere better.

Oh, I have to say the not wanting to trust seems very logical to me. It's you trying to keep yourself safe. No expectations, no disappointment. No trust, no betrayal. It's ok to be cautious, careful, cynical, whatever you need for as long as it suits you.

Loved reading the advice in this thread.

It made me notice that all of it is designed to help you, IAF7, build back your power.

You were terribly, terribly hurt by a double betrayal. You may see that (deep down) as a message about you as a person. Two people you loved betrayed you.

You can protect yourself by shelling (crawling into your own world and never leaving).

Or

You can grow your power. Self care. Self empowerment. When you feel strong you will KNOW that whatever comes your way, you will be perfectly OK because you are strong and capable. Only then will you be willing to risk vulnerability.

Build you!

Thank you all for all the input. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to hear from people further along than I am and feel supported. I actually do feel very independent and capable of leaving my marriage at any time I choose to, but I am definitely putting up a protective shell with everyone around me. It feels much more comfortable to live like this and live in a numbing phase. I feel like I tried "leaning into the pain" for a long time with no result. I am going to read through this thread a few times and really soak all the advice in and work on some of these things. Maybe I do just need to decide that I won’t let this ruin me anymore than I already have.

Maybe I do just need to decide that I won’t let this ruin me anymore than I already have.

Break those chains. That's a good start.

Find what makes you feel bad ass and bullet proof – with me it is sparkly undies and I will wear them under sweats even while scrubbing the toilet. I wear sparkly lip gloss just to run mundane errands. I have a cheap bracelet I got off Amazon and inside it ways "keep fucking going

".

A while back chaos told me this in a pm and I remember I got in the shower put on some nice cloths like I had some where fancy to go and went to the pharmacy. Seems silly but it made me feel good.

Now I exercise a lot and when I need to find some strength I scream F you in my head. Mostly I’m yelling at the AP but it gets me a few extra reps.

I’m having a rough couple days too, just hang in there it’s a battle.

[This message edited by Brew3x at 9:16 PM, Friday, September 2nd]

Maybe for you, healing meant the marriage doesn’t work for you anymore. When I healed I no longer wanted to work it out. If that’s you, too, that’s ok.